Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Check-in with some thoughts.

Oh, boy have I been going through some necessary changes!! Some big changes.
I have in the past few months sat down and looked at my surroundings and literally weeded through hundreds of people. Wondering why certain people were involved in my life? Realizing I kept negative people around simply because I hate feeling lonely. Allowing chaos to enter my home and marriage. Allowing stress to overtake me. Being the reason for sadness, drama, unnecessary stress and arguments with many people. Realizing some people judge us without getting to know us, MANY people take advantage of our kindness and hospitality, and some people are just at different places in their lives than we are or want to be.

I had to let go of a lot of people/places/things. I want to build myself up, and I'm finding it hard to do. I've realized just how LITTLE self confidence I have. I'm focusing on what is important to me and I'm scared to death to find out who I am, but I am ready. Very ready. Through my anxiety and fear, I've just kept trekking. Yes, my home is quieter, yes some people are angry that I "deleted" them, yes, I don't recognize myself at the moment but I'm ready. I want to know who I am, and what my Heavenly Father has created me to be.

If not a mother right now, then who?

I've been trying to stay active, learn to be by myself in quietness, and focus on my immediate surroundings. Accept emotions as they come, process feelings and speak up.

Speaking up and saying how I truly feel has been probably the biggest change in me and the most liberating.

I celebrated 2 years of marriage with my husband up at Hearst Castle in late October. It was simply heaven. The best trip and time spent together yet. A memory I'll cherish for a lifetime.

November brought joy, close family, Thanksgiving, and some party planning.

This month, so far, I have stayed quite busy planning my stepson's 6th birthday party which was a HUGE success.
I hosted a Bug Birthday party here at my home and had a HUGE turnout. Bounce house, kids and puppies running around, adults mingling laughing and enjoying food. I made centerpieces, party favors, decorations and more. I had the help of a good friend, and it was an enjoyable and stressful thing to do, but worth every minute of sleep lost, every anxiety and tear. I doubted myself too much (as usual) and it wound up being one of the best parties I've ever put together!

Now that that is over, I'm focusing on Christmas. This will actually be the first Christmas morning I get to wake up next to my DH--just him and I. He won't be rushing off to work. No one will be here but just him and I. It will be just the two of us, which I am very much looking forward to. It will be a dream come true. A magical, peaceful day for sure.

I'm not quite sure I want this blog anymore? Has it changed my focus? I do enjoy writing. It calms me, helps me express my inner thoughts. But, should I be focused on ttc right now, or is God calling me to do something else? I often sit quietly and ask him this.

I do want to take the time to thank all of my supporters who have encouraged me, read my posts, and been through this blog's journey with me for the past 18 months. Most of those I've followed have conceived or adopted, and have had wonderful success stories and that gives me hope for one day. One day when God is ready.

For now, I am becoming Amy. Whoever she is.

Below are a few pictures of our dear Hunter's 6th birthday party. I may add more later as I get them.
Also, some Christmas Pictures from us.



  1. Hi Amy! I feel like I am never on this account any more! Hugs to you my darling! It sounds like you have been taking some much needed time for yourself. Love the pics of the party....what a very lucky little man. Bugs...what a great theme! Enjoy the season as much as you can...I know it sucks sometimes. oxox All the best of wishes for you.

  2. I rarely check my blog anymore but when I do I always look for your posts. The party looks like it was a success. If you leave this blog I understand but would still like to keep in contact with you.


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