Saturday, October 29, 2011

Kitchen Renovation Has Begun!

This is going to be about a five week process...

I remember when we moved in the day after our was constant chaos for about four straight months. Going without a toilet for a few nights, no shower for a few weeks. No furniture for a month. Not being able to go inside our house for four days to let the stain on the hardwood dry....and now the Kitchen! I am so happy it is getting done, it is the last big remodel in this house (next DH and I will be working on updating the garage (partial "man cave!) and landscaping a brand new back yard. A few more small touches will also be happening soon such as new door knobs to go with our new doors, new rain gutters, new exterior paint, a new garage door, and adding some shutters on the windows.

Today we ripped up the flooring in the kitchen and OH MY GOODNESS it was disgusting. The previous tenant lived here for about twenty years, and let's just say he may have never cleaned. Water damage, mold and just grossness! It is scary to think we could have been living in mold for a year now. I'm so happy we are getting rid of it before a future pregnancy (GOD WILLING.) Unfortunately we discovered most of the floor panels will need to be replaced. (We are on a raised foundation) Also, all drywall and ceiling will need to be replaced, so that is more time and noise! We ordered the cabinetry and granite counter tops yesterday and on Tuesday while the electrician is here putting in a new breaker box, we are going to go pick out the tile flooring and back splash. I'm soooo ready to have more counter space, a clean and fully functional kitchen and peace! Around the second week in December this should be complete! DH and I love the vintage country cottage look, so we are going with a traditional kitchen with a few modern touches, such as the granite counters instead of butcher block and white cabinetry. It will be stressful but at the same time will keep my mind busy. I know DH has a ton of small projects to do before the big guys come in, so he will stay busy as well. Let the chaos begin!

On another note, I got two baby shower invites for next month. I don't think I will be attending :( I'm getting better, just not there yet. Not quite strong enough emotionally. I will definitely send gifts and a special note. I wish the world was a bit more educated on infertility and it wasn't such a taboo subject in society. I wish that fertiles understood the despair of infertility and empathized. It would make it so much easier to have support...


The picture above is one I took of our Kitchen several months ago. GROSS!
This one below is what I hope it will look like!

Sorry it is blurry, I couldn't find a better picture online. This is the picture we took to our designer (our kitchen layout is pretty much exactly this (maybe a bit smaller) But this is an idea of what it might look like soon! (lighter granite, and an over the range microwave, and a little bit different on the color theme...)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I need to vent.

Seriously, I'm so upset right now.

How is it that someone who has gone through fertility issues in the past can be so heartless after they get what they "wanted for so long" ???!!!! Um, excuse me, don't you remember crying when you got your BFN's??? Don't you remember the depression? Don't you remember the heartbreak? Don't you remember the feeling of despair, worthlessness, and feeling alone? Now you have what you were wanting and you treat the world like crap? Now You think you can do what you want and say what you feel like saying and get away with it because of "hormones?" You have no regard for anyone else, entire families who now struggle and suffer because of your moods? I don't get it, I just don't. How do people change so easily? How do people become so self centered after going through something where they had to suffer and lean on others for support? Or maybe it was a show for so many years? Infertility is such a heart wrenching struggle and it is so easily forgotten? Someone can forget THAT EASY?!!! I'm completely dumbfounded right now. I can't even wrap my mind around the right words. It is heartbreaking to me personally and I will never understand how someone can be this way--maybe because my heart is built differently. Maybe because I have too much love in me. Maybe because I understand the suffering and feel it daily.

I would never, could never, and will never be boastful, rude, inconsiderate, mean, controlling, self-centered, or anything of the sort if I ever become blessed with what we desire so badly. A family, a gift, a blessing, a child.

That is all.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Home from an amazing anniversary trip!

Besides food poisoning, strep throat, cracking half of my back tooth out and almost breaking my toe, I have to say this trip was one of the most amazing and special trips! Being sick was a downer, but I sure didn't let it get in the way of a wonderful weekend, a wonderful get a way, and a trip I'll never forget!!!!

I had so many peaceful, relaxing moments on this trip and it was totally stress free. Exactly what we needed. DH and I had some amazing talks and special moments. I love my husband through and through. Late last night we took a walk around the resort and wound up at this 1940's pool. (after the olive and wine festival we were the only people still checked in at the resort. We had it all to ourselves!!) So gorgeous. I felt like I was back in time, I could see so many stars in the sky, I could hear the owls, cricket chirps...and the rustles of the leaves in the trees. We laid down in the chaise lounges, wished upon the stars, and I then remembered God's grace. I remembered how blessed I am to be with my soul mate. I remembered that life is precious and God has given me a purpose. God's will, not mine. I was humbled and as we lay there on the chaise lounges next to the sparkling pool, holding each other's hands, with dimmed lights surrounding us, staring up at the stars we both let out a big sigh and DH said to me "we're going to have a family someday...and we're going to show our baby God's beautiful creations...I love you." I, then felt like everything would be okay. I'll never forget that moment.

I realize at times I forget and I get very sad, but that is just the course of nature. We see what we want so desperately surrounding us every day, every moment, and quickly forget that some day we may have that ourselves and not to give up hope.

I'm going to post a few pictures from our trip I hope you all enjoy them!

Arrived at our Resort!!!

Where we had our anniversary dinner!

The pond outside of our room...

Olive tree pathway where stage coaches used to drive to the resort!

1100 year old oak tree where the stage coaches used to drop off prisoners and chain them to await the judge to come tell them their fate. Many were hung on this tree :(

Old farm equipment in the gorgeous lavender fields...

How neat!

The first buildings at this resort. Ernest Hemingway was known to come sober up in those rooms. Also, Albert Einstein has stayed in those rooms!

We can never be serious!!!!!

A view of the Lavender Fields

Ready for our dinner! I'm so in love!

I'm so grateful we had the opportunity to escape for a few days and enjoy life, each other and fall even more madly in love. 
I'm grateful to be married to my best friend and the love of my life.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Awe, MAN!

Why do I have to be getting sick right now?! My throat hurts so very bad! There are white bumps around my tonsils and on the back of my throat. It is sticky, and burning. DH has been taking care of me all day. Tons of medicines, throat spray, hot tea and honey. I just want to be better by the time we leave for our mini vacay.   I am super excited about it. We are staying in this fabulous resort in the mountains, going to take an olive and wine tour during the festival, we have reservations at a wonderful steak house which is part of the resort, and then we will spend time on the apple farms. I need af to be done, and I need this throat thing to go away! Fingers crossed that I feel much better in three little days.
Back to bed I go.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Medicated and AF

OK, so my last post I was pretty upset. Today is a brand new day!

Friday was a day with my doctor. When I say a day, I mean it felt like I was there all day!! (3 hours total) I'm so happy though to have a doctor who will sit with me and talk to me and figure out with me what the best thing for me is. We all agreed, after much discussion, that I need to get back on all of my medications for my muscle and nerve disorders. I need to not be stubborn and not be in pain all of the time. The pain could be causing so much stress that my body wouldn't even hold a pregnancy. So, it was decided. NO fertility drugs until my body relaxes a bit and gets used to the medication. My doctor says my body is not doing well right now, and I'm allowing myself to suffer when I shouldn't. I'm sad that my ttc is being put on hold for a bit longer than I had planned, but if you think about it, I would be so sick if I were to get pregnant right now. I am glad though, that I am able to plan this the right way. I know that our future child will be so loved and we will be so very thankful, grateful and humbled when the time does come. It is the best thing for me, and I hate it. I just wish to God that I could be normal, but that is just too easy, right? I am grateful to get help though.

I took my medication for the first time last night and I swear it is working already. I had no pain last night (although I was up until 6am, but that was due to several emergencies in the family.) I woke up happy and in very little pain, and I feel so much better than I normally do. Here's to hoping my body starts listening and starts feeling better!

Great news! AF showed up today! All by herself, I welcome this cycle with open arms! Strange ain't it? Who gets excited about af? It's so funny the things that we do when going through IF. I don't have cramps, and it is not heavy--yet. I'm just so happy that I didn't take the Provera and my body did something RIGHT all on its own. Let's get this af to go away quick though because my wedding anniversary is in 7 days---and we'll be up in the mountains then! I'm so grateful to have the husband that I do. I've never met another man so generous, loving, caring, patient and funny! I don't know how anyone on this planet has let him go... I'm one lucky wife. I love my best friend with every part of me, with each passing day, my love for him only grows and grows. I'd like to share pictures of us, if you guys don't mind!

Below are two pictures; one from our dating years, and then one from our wedding. I can't believe in 7 little days, it will be our 1 year anniversary! I look forward to the rest of my life with him, ttc for as long as we can, and just enjoying being the wife of such an extraordinary man!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Something in the water

Does someone want to tell me where to find this water that every other woman on the planet is drinking? This magic, get me pregnant, almost immediately after drinking the water, water. Seriously, how can I know over thirty pregnant women now? HOW does this happen, and more so---why? Why does it need to be thrown in my face every single day? Why is it that most women out there can just "decide" one day to start trying and the next cycle they are announcing their BFP's? I am so annoyed with this. It makes me feel ugly, useless, worthless and awful. VERY AWFUL. I know I want to wait a couple of months, but in the mean time, why do I have to be swimming in other's bfp's? I hate the fact that I'm broken. Totally broken.

I can't wait to get to my doctor's office tomorrow, tell her I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Get back on all of my medicines for my medical conditions and not be in pain, lose more weight, and vent to her just how sad and frustrated I am. I'm totally making her do something about this ridiculous insomnia. I am ready to not be in pain at least. Lose some more weight, a lot more weight. At least that will keep me busy. Maybe make me feel good in SOME way.

As for those girls that shouldn't be pregnant right now (in my opinion) (not married or even in a serious relationship, no money, no job, immature, no stability, already have kids and don't take good care of them) You should really stop complaining all over the internet about how tired you are, how sick you are, or how fat you are or how you can't wait to get "it" out. You have no idea how bad some women desire to have a family with their husbands. Women who are soooo ready and yet struggling to conceive. Consider what you say before you say it! Stop complaining and focus on becoming a dedicated parent, and be grateful that you are experiencing that gift that some of us long for day after day... month after month.. year after year.

There! How's that for a vent tonight?!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Sunday afternoon musings...

It's been an absolutely perfect weekend.
We had the pleasure of babysitting my friend's one year old daughter. Yesterday when she was dropped off, we took her to our local amusement park and got my stepson and took him as well which was nice because we go too long without seeing him. It was so much fun! We laughed, my lil' boy rode all the kiddie rides with his daddy and I pushed around my "niece" in her stroller whilst chatting with my dear MIL. We had wonderful talks about the future, love, marriage and how happy she is that her son has found the right mate and how much he has changed and just how happy he is now. I felt very special hearing that from her. After several hours, the kids were pooped and begging for naps! DH and I took our little niece to a near by mall and sat down at a restaurant and had a fun dinner. A balloon animal maker came by and made her the cutest puppy dog! That was so much fun! After dinner we brought her home, I bathed her and we read books and played until bed time. As I was laying down next to her, my heart swelled with joy. I realized just how blessed I am to even be around children. I have faith that soon enough we will have our own. As this precious little angel was falling asleep, she placed her little palm on my face and took her other hand and held mine. I thought it was a neat little way for a baby to get comfort enough to fall asleep. I truly felt like a mother yesterday. I was surprised myself, that I did not get upset once. I just enjoyed every moment of it.
Below is a picture of our precious boy and my "niece" on the train at the local amusement park!

As for me, I've made a call in to my PCP to get checked out. I called Dr. K's office asking about Metformin and if anyone would consider me being on this for my PCOS, and they responded saying I would need to call my primary doctor to ask that. Okay??? I didn't understand that, but I did it anyways. I am also blessed with an amazing primary doctor. She personally called me herself, saying she missed me, asked how I was doing and that she sees that we have been trying to have a baby. She was comforting, informative and just plain ole' nice! She wants me to go in tomorrow morning for fasting blood work and then on Friday to see her and talk about the next steps in my personal health, Metformin and possibly assisting my weight loss. I'm excited to start this new journey. We all decided to not get on Clomid until the new year and try non-fertility medicine approaches until then! Whilst doing that, DH is looking for work offshore, and I have a job opportunity opening next month, or I will be enrolling into school. Not sure yet what I will choose, but excited to make the decision!

I did not pick up my Provera. I decided to go ahead and not have our wedding anniversary is in two weeks and we are escaping to a resort in the mountains, and I DO NOT WANT to be on af, or in pain and moody! I think I made the best decision.

I want to make a special shout out to my fellow blogger browning2222! She got her bfp and was blessed with triplets! How amazing, and inspiring! That right there gives me hope! I'm thrilled for her and excited to follow her journey as well.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The call back...

Well, Dr. K's office just called.
I,for sure, did NOT ovulate this month, so looks like I will need medication to bring on AF. Pretty disappointing, but to be expected. Blood sugars looked just fine, which is good news I guess.

I'm just so pissed right now that I actually have to be on medications to get my body to ovulate. What the heck is wrong with me?!!! I don't want to get back on Clomid, it obviously was not working for me, but maybe I will get back on it next month instead of waiting until the new year which was our plan. I sure do not want to go through this no ovulating so often or depending on Provera, which I hear causes awful cramping. YUCK. I hate my body so much.

This break we took from fertility treatments was so good on my sanity and emotional health and my marriage, but for it to end with such problems and a slap in the face that if I DON'T take the Clomid, I WON'T just cruel.

Just totally angry and sad right now. I just feel like this will never happen for us. I'm losing hope.

Monday, October 3, 2011

RE visit, thoughts....

Just got home from my visit with Dr. K.

Well, first I sat there alone in a cold room waiting, and waiting and waiting... I must have been placed next to the ultrasound room because as I sat there staring at my phone, my heart sank. For some reason the ultrasound machine's volume was up so loud I thought it was right next to me (mind you, I'm hearing impaired so that must be really loud.) I could hear laughter and a baby's heart beat along with swishing sounds. I sat there listening to that beautiful sound wondering just when I will be in that room? When will I be staring at that beautiful screen? When will we have that gift? Kind of made me tear up.

Well, Dr. K walked in and asked how I was doing. I just chatted with him about the depression, how DH seems to be sad too, how we are going to take a break until we find out more from tests and such. Then I asked him about the u/s results, so here they are:

Yes, confirmed PCOS.
Yes, uterus is tilted backwards, but shouldn't be a problem.
Fluid still present, and no one knows what it could possibly be.
OK? so, what do we do? Is it causing problems? What happens next?

He gently responded that the fluid most likely is NOT causing problems in my IF. He said he is still waiting for DH to get a complete semen analysis and he doesn't want to run more tests such as HSG (where they insert dye to determine if there are any blockages in my tubes or problems in uterus) until he gets that done. OK, so I have to convince DH to just go do it. I'm sure I can...I'm going to wait until his cold passes and he's in a better mood and doesn't feel so icky.
Okay, HSG test would also show if that fluid is blocking anything, which RE doesn't seem to think it is. He DID mention that a large amount of IF patients happen to get pregnant right after the HSG test...that doctors don't know exactly why but the dye clears out things that are not seen and some how it helps...

Well, we did a whole bunch of blood work this visit. AF is STILL not here for me. 7 days late now. We're running a qualitative blood test to see if it shows up negative or positive for pregnancy. Running Progesterone to see if I even ovulated at all this last month. Running random glucose test to see if my blood sugars are messed up again which might be causing my nausea and dizziness. If I did not ovulate on my own, we are going to order Provera to help af come, because I don't want to skip a few months again and have it hit hard when it decides to show up. We're all pretty positive I'm not pregnant but I get the results tomorrow, so more waiting. Lovely waiting. I sure have grown to really dislike waiting--it is a huge part of the infertility process and I really don't like it!

I'll be updating again tomorrow with blood work results. Wondering if I O'd or not?????

Cycle Ticker!