Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A brighter month will come.

Monday AF finally showed up... Went to one of my girlfriend's house to help out with her two year old and go swimming. I had the thought when I woke up that going to see her just might bring on AF. We used to live together and wound up cycling together and I just had the silly thought that maybe it might help! Well, apparently the thought was not silly at all.

I know I got my hopes up, for some silly reason, I had a "feeling" she was late this time for a REASON. With the big wave of pregnancy announcements, I thought--hey maybe it is my time too! I mean this last month, I've lost weight--been pretty darn stress free since getting rid of a lot of toxic things/people in my life. I had a monumental change in my life that brought so much happiness. I thought, this is it! It is time!


When I got in the pool on Monday I had started swimming some laps while my girlfriend had her two year old in her ring floatie....
Once in the deep end, I just stopped. I looked up and relaxed. I just laid there, floating staring at the clear blue sky hearing muffled voices under the water, I ignored everything and just thought, deep thoughts in my head and just let go. I talked to them.

I say them... I've always thought there are two angels up there waiting to come down to Robert and I.

I told them I will wait for forever if I have to, but to just tell me what I have to do...Just let me know.


  • It's time to really kick my butt back into gear and focus hard on losing the rest the weight to reach my goal. 
  • Leave the house every day. I don't care what I'm doing, or how I'm feeling. I will not become as depressed as I was last year.
  • Stay with my new hobbies. I've picked up sketching and got a camera Monday evening. And have been writing poetry a bit more. I will capture what I see... and express how I feel. In an artistic and POSITIVE way.
  • I will continue to consider school, I just feel the timing is not right--and I cant brush that feeling, so I'm going to trust my gut and wait but still know I will go back to school some day to learn something new.
  • This month I'm buying preseed and softcups. I will continue to try new things, but not get discouraged. I have a feeling that I am supposed to try new things, new ways and seek different advice. 
  • TTC for me will become fun.
  • "support groups" online are toxic. I will not join any, I will continue my blog, tumblr, and express myself in other ways. I seek advice, love and help from those who know me and my journey, but will always protect my heart from negative people, groups, and things.
  • September is PCOS awareness month, I'm going to talk to my family all about PCOS, and wear my new blue and teal running shoes all month.  I am putting a teal ribbon around my tree in my front yard. I will be bettering my body and conquering PCOS every day.
  • I will continue to be the NEW AMY and speak what I am really thinking, express my real feelings and not be used or walked over. I enjoy this confidence too much!
Those are just a few of my short term goals. Those are things that popped up when I was laying in the pool...and asked "what do I need to do?"

And now? Some pictures I've taken... I'm big on pictures and quotes at the moment, no clue why...

My girlfriend in her slippers in front of her fireplace

A piggy I saw in Oak Glen, CA 

Oak Glen, again!

My perfect, amazing husband being himself!

Sunday, August 26, 2012


Sweet Jesus! What was life like before the interwebs? I am in amazement and awe lately at the way people are acting on social networks and the things that are being done and said. Sometimes I wonder---do these people have windows in their homes? Do they know real life exists outside of the cyber world? People you never met bashing and bothering and construing things. I feel bad for the people that take it seriously. Some places I've seen all over the internet--places I've joined...people I've NEVER really met in real life just going off. Holy Moly, this is just unreal.

I am super glad I am able to realize life goes on! I feel bad for the people online that actually let typed out words bother them and actually feel sad and hurt over things. Its quite strange to me actually. The most bickering often has been seen in TTC groups, forums and websites. Really? I think places like that were created for encouragement, support, questions, and so on...but oh lord. *rolls eyes*

Internet breaks are great. Life was so simple before the world wide web had become so intertwined in daily lives. Laptops, cell phones, even gaming devices now are online! I miss the peace and quiet of the early 90's. Not that my personal life was peaceful but the stress and chaos of the cyber world wasn't even a glimmer in my eye.

I wonder if these people are just sad and lonely? If real life just sucks so bad that they can not face it and would rather create a made up world online? I know I have been a pretty big social networker for years, but the more I lay off, the better life goes!

I am super happy with where I'm at today. The peace and calm in my life??? Much needed, and blessed to have so much greatness. So much joy and laughter has been brought into my life that I just can't look back! I pray daily for those struggling so bad that their only escape is harshness, meanness, and to be involved in what I've been calling lately : cyber soap operas.

My challenge to people out there: Take a day or two to just not LOG IN to anything. Nothing, go outside, breathe the air. Touch the grass, smell the world. Go to a store, smile at people, real people. Remember your real purpose. Touch someone, help someone real. It feels good.

As for me ttc? Af is 3 days late.. grrrrr :/

Saturday, August 25, 2012


Dear Boobs,
Please stop hurting me so bad if all you are going to give me are BFN's and a late AF. It's not very nice of you two, and really you are causing me a lot of discomfort and pain.
Much Appreciated,

Sunday, August 19, 2012


Yes, it seems something is in the water again.
Some mystical, magical water that I seem to never be able to get my hands on. Each day this week I have woke up to more pregnancy announcements. More posts on complaining about pregnancy. 20 year bulimic alcoholics winding up pregnant with twins and no one even knew she had a guy in her life. THOSE are things that just boil my poor blood and bring out some very hot tears. I hate doubting God. I don't like that feeling. Seeing things like that happen in front of my eyes just makes me want to scream at my creator. What? Why? How? What have I done so wrong? Its a lonely deep feeling that I just don't like.

I'm sure if Facebook didn't exist I wouldn't know about more than half of these "oopsie" pregnancies and I'd have a different focus. I would be going on about my merry little way trying to figure out why my body is the way it is.
It is just unnerving the people that plan or don't plan these pregnancies and are no where near capable of taking care of a child, or another child. I hear comments like "oh I want to be pregnant so bad, I just don't want the baby..." WHAT?  >.<

Talk about wanting to scream!!!! 

So God, if you're reading my blog...and with whoever else is reading this....could you speak to me? Speak to all of us. Let us know you are here. I sure hate questioning you, and being so angry. I need to let go and trust in YOUR plan, not mine. That is such a hard thing to do. When you want something so bad, it is hard to let go of trying so hard in every single way. Would you be with all of us?

I need You now.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Laters, Baby.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder how many of you "get" my title?! Can you tell what I am reading at the moment?

Ever want a libido lift, a rush of desire? Pick up 50 Shades of Grey. Holy Moly, it is insane. Talk about dtd all the time now! I surprised DH with candles, and ordered him to bring home whipped cream. And played some jazz music. Lets leave it at that! (these kinds of things have become the norm now!)
We'll just say that this month has been a busy ttc month...well, not really ttc...more just connecting with each other. Igniting the flame again? Its nice to feel close again and not be so stressed. I also think partly that going  Paleo brought back my libido...I haven't been this way in years. I feel young again! (not that I'm old, but at times my body and mind feel 100.) I'm not too sure how many of you out there have read, liked, disliked, enjoyed, not enjoyed this trilogy--so could you, if you have leave your review as a comment below? I'm fascinated to know what reading these books has done in the IF world *wink* *wink*

Hubby is working a whole lot. I make sure we get at least an hour a day together, whether that is before or after work. Cooking together, watching tv together, gardening, walking---whatever it may be, I can not let us become distant due to work. Quality time in our marriage is so important to me.

My life changed on Sunday. For the better. I will never be the same person again. I am still in a daze and on cloud 9 over what happened. I vowed from that moment to never let anyone walk all over me again, to stand firm in my beliefs, to enjoy life to my best ability, and to say how I feel all of the time. I am not, and will not ever be who I was for so long. It was one of the happiest days of my 28 years of being.

 It is very private and personal, so those of you who would like to know, feel free to email me at

Looking forward to some feedback :)

Cycle Ticker!