Some mystical, magical water that I seem to never be able to get my hands on. Each day this week I have woke up to more pregnancy announcements. More posts on complaining about pregnancy. 20 year bulimic alcoholics winding up pregnant with twins and no one even knew she had a guy in her life. THOSE are things that just boil my poor blood and bring out some very hot tears. I hate doubting God. I don't like that feeling. Seeing things like that happen in front of my eyes just makes me want to scream at my creator. What? Why? How? What have I done so wrong? Its a lonely deep feeling that I just don't like.
I'm sure if Facebook didn't exist I wouldn't know about more than half of these "oopsie" pregnancies and I'd have a different focus. I would be going on about my merry little way trying to figure out why my body is the way it is.
It is just unnerving the people that plan or don't plan these pregnancies and are no where near capable of taking care of a child, or another child. I hear comments like "oh I want to be pregnant so bad, I just don't want the baby..." WHAT? >.<
Talk about wanting to scream!!!!
So God, if you're reading my blog...and with whoever else is reading this....could you speak to me? Speak to all of us. Let us know you are here. I sure hate questioning you, and being so angry. I need to let go and trust in YOUR plan, not mine. That is such a hard thing to do. When you want something so bad, it is hard to let go of trying so hard in every single way. Would you be with all of us?
I need You now.
♥ Love you dear. Sorry I have been complaining about the pain in my lady parts. I am beyond thankful, but it doesn't mean every bit of pregnancy is enjoyable...like I thought it would be!! I continue to pray for you and hope that God will open your womb and bless your family with a little one. Keep heart, hold onto faith, even when it is dark and you don't know where God is leading you (easier said than done, I know).
ReplyDeleteWhat helped me: continue to focus on making yourself healthy. Use it as a way to show God you are being faithful. Pray as you walk. Sing Christian music as you jog. Thank him for the ability to get in shape before pregnancy. And if you feel the pull start to research adoption. I did all of the things, when upset...I ran. When another pregnancy announcement came up on facebook I did a Biggest Loser DVD, knowing as they got bigger I would look damn hot.
These things may not help you, but they did me. Find your niche, another area to focus on that will draw your thoughts away from pregnancy and babies, even if that is where your heart remains. <3
Oh, dear Jess.. you never came to mind when thinking about "complaints." Please don't ever think that. I love all of your ideas. I will definitely focus on my health, and pray. I have also dug out the little girl in me and dove back into poetry and classical music today, it seems to brighten me and lift me up further than I can on my own. I love and appreciate all of your support, and again I am ever so grateful for you and want to congratulate you again! You will be the most amazing mother to your little boy <3
DeleteWhen I read some of my posts or complaints from where I was months ago it makes me feel such sorrow and pain for those that are still trying. I know what it is like, and it sucks to the core. It hurts, and I am so sorry this is the path you are still on. Cling to your poetry and classical music (I bust out my clarinet when I am feeling really down at times! and definitely wrote a lot during my days of depression in high school). Love you lady, and truly hope and pray that you and your husband will be blessed soon.
DeleteI'm so sorry that your hurting Amy. I know that we are one of these weekly announcements and that it is hard. For the entire time we've been trying it seemed though everyone was getting pregnant and I know it kills. I love you dearly and am praying for you. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteHi Amy, I'm a new reader to your blog, love your candid and out there personality. :)
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to the feelings of FB with all the announcements. I went through the same, even forced myself to take a long break from the site and gosh knows how many friends I blocked from my feed. (which really helps btw!)
I now am on the other side, and after going through infertility, did NOT whatsoever enjoy announcing our news online. That was a few weeks ago and even today I feel guilty for those who might've read the post and had that heartache happen all over again. I never expected infertility to rob of me of this happy moment, but it sort of did. Infertility is just something that will forever change your outlook. Moving forward, in hopes of not becoming one of 'those girls' on FB I'm creating a site away by itself for those types of updates. Hopefully that makes me less annoying of a preggo-poster. LOL
Sending you positive vibes and cheering you on for success to come! Amber