Thursday, December 18, 2014

It's just crazy

To feel so happy and sad at the very same time! I've noticed that the gals I've followed the past several years on here have MOSTLY all gotten their BFP and have gotten their SECOND BFP's! There are a few of you stranded out there just like me with no babies in our arms yet, and I'm so sorry... to know you feel what I feel makes me so very sad. But gosh, I've been ttc this long and most of you infertiles like me have gotten your SECOND bfp's and are about to pop with baby number 2! Can I have some of the water you're drinking?!

Congratulations to you ladies out there with so much success, you give us who haven't had our dreams come true hope to hold on to.

To those like me who are still waiting, wishing, hoping, trying.... I pray for you. I love you. And I'm sorry the holidays are going to be leaving us with a bitter feeling (somewhat in the back of our minds...)

Hope on, Dream on... you're allowed!

Friday, December 12, 2014

2014: The Pursuit of Happyness

This year has not been one for blogging for me.
You could say I've had some sort of writer's block... but frankly I've just not wanted to write about my journey...that I am still on. I think maybe it's best to bullet point Jan-Dec 2014 to catch my reader's up on what has been going on... if I still have readers out there! I'm sorry I've abandoned you!!

From Jan-July I don't remember much going on. I know in May I celebrated my 30th birthday in Vegas! I was trying my best to lose weight. I was extremely overwhelmed with my therapist job and merging with another company, audits out my ***. On July 1st I made a very tough decision to leave my was affecting my marriage. It was causing my health to quickly decline. I was a walking zombie any time I was not at work. Long story short, I resigned.

I've been sort of at a loss with how much free time I've had. I've been doing changes around the house... and really diving head first into learning a long time passion of mine-photography. I've really enjoyed learning things such as long exposure, light painting, bokeh, macro photography. I am now slowly piecing my life back together and becoming a wife, and friend again. I felt like I was absent from life at that job. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED what I did, but when my job became more than being a therapist and taking over and picking up slack everywhere to where I became an interpreter, driver, transporter, teacher and therapist at my rehab (with no pay raise to reward the long hours or extra work I was doing) I decided (the moment I went to a specialist and he told me I was at high risk for another stroke--I've had two mini strokes in my life) with lots of prayer, counsel with people at my church, and praying with my husband that it was best for me to get healthy again, and at least take a break from working....and study photography.

I still at times wonder if I made the right decision, only because finances are tighter than before. But somehow we manage every time something comes up. We have become closer as a couple, we have lived just fine on a tighter budget and actually in October we were able to take a cruise for our anniversary. The cruise changed me. I realized that it is in my blood to travel. I made a decision to make it a goal to do something like that at least once a year. To recharge, to get away, to feed my soul. I hadn't laughed like that in a very long time. I hadn't slept that good in forever. I hadn't relaxed like that in years.

November was hard. I had a chemical pregnancy. And on to December which we are sure a chemical has happened again. The horrible bleeding (gushing, massive clots, excruciating pain) after faint positives on HPT's have got me down in the dumps. I'm 30 now and to feel the "failures" again have been emotionally draining.

I will most likely be starting progesterone supplementing to see if I'm actually ovulating and getting pregnant but not being able to carry the pregnancy due to hormones. I'll be happy to know if my body is actually ovulating again... though I've gained 20 pounds of the 60 I lost back in the past 5 months. That brings me to the next subject. I will be focusing more on gaining health. Since leaving my job and kind of being "lost" I've slacked on keeping healthy. I've rewarded myself with food when feeling sad, happy, successful, depressed, etc. This time last year I weighed 16 pounds lighter... and you can best bet I will get back to where I was SOON and hopefully lose a lot more!

Well so much for bullet points! That didn't quite work out. I'm sorry this is all over the place!

I'm going to post a few of my favorite photos I've taken this year. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I am very excited to finally be doing something I only dreamed of my entire life!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Please Help

Please click on this link and share this page everywhere you can. thank you in advance for your help and donations. Help me raise money for my dear sister

Tuesday, September 2, 2014


Is PCOS Awareness month!

Wikipedia tells me:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), also called hyperandrogenic anovulation (HA),[1] or Stein-Leventhal syndrome,[2] is one of the most common endocrine disorders among females. PCOS has a diverse range of causes that are not entirely understood, but there is strong evidence that it is largely agenetic disease.[3][4][5]
PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (approximately 12 to 45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female subfertility[6][7][8] and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age.[9] Finding that the ovaries appear polycystic on ultrasound is common, but it is not an absolute requirement in all definitions of the disorder.
The most common immediate symptoms are anovulation, excess androgenic hormones, and insulin resistance. Anovulation results in irregular menstruation,amenorrhea, and ovulation-related infertility. Hormone imbalance generally causes acne and hirsutism. Insulin resistance is associated with obesityType 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels.[10] The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among affected women.

But let me personally add:

PCOS is a curse on my body. It is a sex inhibitor. It is a constant shadow of grief that haunts me as I walk through my life. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a spiritual breaker. It is a mental destroyer. It is confidence sabotaging. PCOS chews up my dreams of motherhood and roughly spits them out one by one as the years pass by. It is a literal weight on my already torn down body that I must carry around each and every day. PCOS has reared it's ugly head into my marriage trying it's hardest to pulverize the bond between my husband and I. 
PCOS has also given me a different perspective of womanhood and sexuality. It has allowed me to create bonds with women across the globe that I will forever be grateful for. PCOS has given me strength I've never known I was capable of. It has taught me that failures come in life, but they mold me into a greater woman, wife, sister, daughter and friend. PCOS has allowed me to cry, weep, and sob freely without judgement. It has given me an abundance of knowledge. PCOS has allowed me to be very hyper vigilant of my body and listen closely to the things that are happening with my body every day. It has allowed me to speak freely about sex, organs, diseases, failure, grief, marriages, intimacy, and learn from those alike. 

PCOS is what I have, but it does not define the very core of my soul. 
I am Amy. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I am a survivor.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Time Flies...

Where has the time gone? Some days I wake up and have absolutely no idea what day it is. I cannot believe it is so near to September! My life has been okay. I've had some major changes, ups and downs. Realizations, and new goals. I wanted to quickly inform everyone that I not only have PCOS but also Endometriosis. These two are out to make sure I never conceive again. I desperately want a family some day but the past several years of hopes have been crushed. I'm even fearful at the thought of doing fertility treatments again. The hope you cling to and the embarrassment at the doctors. Those emotional whirlwinds were some of the hardest days in my life. I know it will most likely take treatments (if they are even successful) to ever have a family with my DH, but I just don't know if I'm ready to jump back in full time just yet. I'm working on all other areas in my life. My looks, my spirituality, my hobbies, my home. I still ache daily for a child in my arms. I still cry a little when friends and family get pregnant again (they are mostly all onto the 3rd or 4th child now...) Baby showers are easier. Baby stores are easier... I think it is just the fact that I'm going on 10 years ttc now... 7 of those with my now DH. It is just something I am used to now. It does get harder to deal with when I'm medically TTC and go through failed rounds-- another reason I'm not sure I'm ready to start treatments again. Most of the blogs I had followed several years ago have kind of disappeared... and I wonder what everyone out there is up to, and how everyone is doing. Most of you successfully got pregnant or adopted your precious babies... and I'm so happy for you! I miss the days of getting to know each and everyone of you and not feeling so alone on this crazy journey. Life is ever changing and the world just keeps on spinnin'...

To the right you can find a link to my photography page on Facebook! Head on over and let me know what you think!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

I'm 30, still TTC. It's Father's Day... etc

Hello everyone. I'm stopping by for a quick update.
I'm 30! I turned 30 on May 14th. May 16-19 I was in Vegas having the time of my life, it was sure a special way to ring in my 30's. For the months leading up to my 30's I sobbed, I was depressed. I tried to do things that I had never done before. I was determined to complete this list and had this fear that I was leaving my 20's and I would never see them again and there was going to be this huge change.... especially not being a mother. Little did I know that turning 30 would fell fantastic! I feel sexier. I feel different! I was surprised in Vegas by my husband and friends and taken to dinners, shows, limo rides... I dressed in tight skirts, wore expensive make up, had my hair and nails done. Things I NEVER DO. Not to sound vain, but Boy, OH Boy, I felt good. I realized that my life is just starting! My 20's were more child-like. They were not the best, they were stepping stones. I've made adjustments and for some reason, since I've come home from Las Vegas, DH and I have been closer than ever. It has been beautiful.

I've had some severe pain and been sick, but it has not stopped me from feeling very close to my husband. Our marriage has gone somewhere I've never seen it go! It's probably not because I've turned 30, but simply because I've let go of the idea that age and surroundings matter. What matters is that our love will always remain.

Today is Father's day. I woke my sweet DH up this morning with a card. As you know he has a boy that we rarely see. In fact, we have not seen him in months... but still he is a Father no matter what. We also had cards and gifts on our front porch from family. I took him to a cute mom and pop restaurant down the street for breakfast and now he's watching the world cup, then we will bbq and swim in our pool. I know he's hanging onto the hope that his little boy will call him today, and I can only pray. This day is not always easy, but we can celebrate it with a smile, no matter what.

I can also pray that one day this ttc journey will take us to a road where we can become a family together. I've had some very vivid dreams lately of children. I wake up in tears and always talk to DH about the dreams, and they are reoccurring. We have discussed medical treatment again, and still feel that is in our future, but do not want the stress and disappointments just yet. We are BD'ing quite often. Using softcups quite often. Just having fun in our marriage for now, more serious ttc will come with treatments and appointments--- we're just not ready for that road again--quite yet.

I'm staying busy working full time, (plus over time) planning several parties for friends and holidays, diving into photography, keeping up a household, and enjoying being 30 alongside my 33 year old adorable husband!

Thank you to all of you who still support and follow my journey and pray for us. I'm forever grateful.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Keeping my mind busy lately

I've been reaching a "before 30 goal" by diving deep into a passion, something I've always wanted to do!


Can I ask your support by going and "liking" my Facebook Photography page?

Thank you SO MUCH in advance!

You know, we all need an outlet. Something to keep our minds from the dreaded INFERTILITY (though we have to face it at least once a month!)

I'm challenging you all to dive deep into something you've always wanted to do. GO!

It's invigorating!

Much Love----

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dropped some Poundage and the rest is all over the place

Here are three pictures showing some weight loss. Last time on my blog I believe I was still maybe 235ish? Now I am 202lbs some days 205 as shown in these pictures. I CANNOT wait to break the 200's! I need to get back into the serious workout grind. I've just been eating a lot better than before and watching my portions. I'm way more active with my job and on weekends. So I think that helped with the last 30 lbs.

This month for supplements I've used:
-Vitamin D
-Folic Acid
-Maca Root

Today I am on Cycle Day 27 of a normal 31-34 day cycle. BFN this AM. I actually called in sick for the first time in a very, very long time! I was over-exhausted and for the past several days I've had terrible stomach/bathroom problems and did not want to have that at work. I'm pretty positive THIS CYLCLE is not THE CYCLE... but I'm hopeful this is MY YEAR. I am praying for hope and faith.

In less than 4 months I will be 30. I have a lot I want to accomplish before I hit 30.

-Be under 190
-Start a hobby I've always wanted to do in my 20s
-Dress sexier on my dates with my DH

and so many more.

For inspiration I follow some amazing PCOS fitness ladies on Instagram who lift me up and inspire me to want to change. I know it is possible. Thank you to all who are still out there thinking of me, praying and rooting for me and encouraging me. It means the world!


Thursday, January 16, 2014

I've Come out of hiding!

And I'm back!

From my TTC break :) We didn't get pregnant. OBVIOUSLY.

We have had tons of ups and downs. It has been a very emotional several months. I've been busy out of my mind. I've traveled. Worked and worked and worked overtime. I've dealt with an awful and toxic ex, and visitation battles, I've dealt with finding a long lost sibling and having him back in my life. I've managed to take on a lot more work at my job and DH is working more hours. I've managed to somehow make it through all of the holidays. We've had some amazing memories these past few months, and have also surpassed some of the hardest struggles yet.

DH and I survived.
The Love Dare and prayer has saved us.

Now we are here, and ready to start trying for a family again. We are focused and stronger than ever. We have a plan set, goals, and finances set. Most importantly- we are emotionally ready for the struggle ahead. We know the road will be bumpy. We are ready to carry each other and hold each other up through the struggles. Here's to another year TTC.

***Baby Dust***

Cycle Ticker!