It's just crazy

To feel so happy and sad at the very same time! I've noticed that the gals I've followed the past several years on here have MOSTLY all gotten their BFP and have gotten their SECOND BFP's! There are a few of you stranded out there just like me with no babies in our arms yet, and I'm so sorry... to know you feel what I feel makes me so very sad. But gosh, I've been ttc this long and most of you infertiles like me have gotten your SECOND bfp's and are about to pop with baby number 2! Can I have some of the water you're drinking?!

Congratulations to you ladies out there with so much success, you give us who haven't had our dreams come true hope to hold on to.

To those like me who are still waiting, wishing, hoping, trying.... I pray for you. I love you. And I'm sorry the holidays are going to be leaving us with a bitter feeling (somewhat in the back of our minds...)

Hope on, Dream on... you're allowed!

2014: The Pursuit of Happyness

This year has not been one for blogging for me.
You could say I've had some sort of writer's block... but frankly I've just not wanted to write about my journey...that I am still on. I think maybe it's best to bullet point Jan-Dec 2014 to catch my reader's up on what has been going on... if I still have readers out there! I'm sorry I've abandoned you!!

From Jan-July I don't remember much going on. I know in May I celebrated my 30th birthday in Vegas! I was trying my best to lose weight. I was extremely overwhelmed with my therapist job and merging with another company, audits out my ***. On July 1st I made a very tough decision to leave my job...it was affecting my marriage. It was causing my health to quickly decline. I was a walking zombie any time I was not at work. Long story short, I resigned.

I've been sort of at a loss with how much free time I've had. I've been doing changes around the house... and really diving head first into learning a long time passion of mine-photography. I've really enjoyed learning things such as long exposure, light painting, bokeh, macro photography. I am now slowly piecing my life back together and becoming a wife, and friend again. I felt like I was absent from life at that job. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED what I did, but when my job became more than being a therapist and taking over and picking up slack everywhere to where I became an interpreter, driver, transporter, teacher and therapist at my rehab (with no pay raise to reward the long hours or extra work I was doing) I decided (the moment I went to a specialist and he told me I was at high risk for another stroke--I've had two mini strokes in my life) with lots of prayer, counsel with people at my church, and praying with my husband that it was best for me to get healthy again, and at least take a break from working....and study photography.

I still at times wonder if I made the right decision, only because finances are tighter than before. But somehow we manage every time something comes up. We have become closer as a couple, we have lived just fine on a tighter budget and actually in October we were able to take a cruise for our anniversary. The cruise changed me. I realized that it is in my blood to travel. I made a decision to make it a goal to do something like that at least once a year. To recharge, to get away, to feed my soul. I hadn't laughed like that in a very long time. I hadn't slept that good in forever. I hadn't relaxed like that in years.

November was hard. I had a chemical pregnancy. And on to December which we are sure a chemical has happened again. The horrible bleeding (gushing, massive clots, excruciating pain) after faint positives on HPT's have got me down in the dumps. I'm 30 now and to feel the "failures" again have been emotionally draining.

I will most likely be starting progesterone supplementing to see if I'm actually ovulating and getting pregnant but not being able to carry the pregnancy due to hormones. I'll be happy to know if my body is actually ovulating again... though I've gained 20 pounds of the 60 I lost back in the past 5 months. That brings me to the next subject. I will be focusing more on gaining health. Since leaving my job and kind of being "lost" I've slacked on keeping healthy. I've rewarded myself with food when feeling sad, happy, successful, depressed, etc. This time last year I weighed 16 pounds lighter... and you can best bet I will get back to where I was SOON and hopefully lose a lot more!

Well so much for bullet points! That didn't quite work out. I'm sorry this is all over the place!

I'm going to post a few of my favorite photos I've taken this year. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I am very excited to finally be doing something I only dreamed of my entire life!