A true meaning to fresh starts, and New Year's Resolutions...
Nothing extremely new/exciting has really happened...but my soul has dramatically changed especially in the past few weeks.
Christmas was gorgeously wonderful. It was an amazing time spent with DH and his family. Gifts were plentiful and amazing, but most of all being surrounded by peace and love was heaven on earth for me.
New Years DH and I went to a friend of mine's house and rang in the new year with confetti, toasts and hours of laughter. We didn't get home until almost 3am!
As I have spoken of before: I've been "weeding" through my 'friends' and people in my life...
I'm not so sure why I hung on to toxic people and situations for so very long other than maybe I've always had a hard time being alone. Because of our pasts, DH and I are very often judged. We don't have normalcy like most married couples. I don't have parents...or any immediate family really. I often get VERY depressed over that. DH has a huge loving, forgiving, accepting, and Christian family.
Our love for each other has become stronger than ever. We have sat and talked seriously about the hurdles we will face in the future, ways to grow, the depths of our love for each other, and how we feel we were hand crafted especially for each other by our Creator. If we had not gone through our own hell, our darkest days--we really would have not crossed paths and our souls would still be lost.
I have found the man of my dreams. He is not perfect, he's not 6' tall and bulging with muscles: he has a few stretch marks and really enjoys ice cream, he comes with pain and struggles--but he is my soul mate. He has carried me, saved me, loved me, guided me, protected me and taught me so much. He is patient, kind, sweet, hilarious and smart. We surely did struggle for the first two years of our marriage and didn't have a true grasp on reality. We didn't have the stability and knowledge--and most of all we often times forgot Christ in our marriage and home. This was key to a new beginning, falling deeper in love than ever imaginable and such quiet peace in our lives.
Last night we were at a wonderful restaurant enjoying a date night, and words just started flowing. For the next two hours it seemed as though we were the only two in the dining hall. We held hands across the table and talked about our love, our marriage, our past, our goals, and even talked about things that haven't ever been talked about in the five years I've known him. Its as though we fell in love all over again. As though we unlocked the key to our future together. I really woke up and realized the gifts I'm blessed with. The opportunity to face struggles and learn from them. The value of love for another human being who comes with flaws and faults. The privilege of infertility. Yes, I said privilege.
Infertility has opened new doors in my life some women and married couples never get to open and walk through. It has given me the opportunity to grab my husband and sob into his chest over losses and failures. It has helped me learn so much about my body and how I should take care of it. It has given me the perspective of just how precious children are and what a gracious gift from God it can be to bring new life into the world. I have looked at pregnant bellies like I have never before in my life. I can walk by the baby department, grab a onsie off the rack and gently cradle it next to my chest and dream beautiful dreams. I have fallen to my knees and called out to my God like never before. I have met women just like me. I have gained patience and strength that I've never had before. I have seen my husband weep and pour out emotions that I never knew men had. I have looked into children's eyes and heard soulful song from their souls that I never paid attention to before. I have gained the knowledge that there is a plan for me and a reason for my struggles, and that my God will never leave my side. Infertility has blessed me beyond measure.
This is a new beginning, a new year, another journey. Together DH and I have made couple's resolutions and each made personal resolutions and will go through many changes I'm sure- but most of all we will be together, hand in hand, forever.