Busy as usual.

Things are still so face paced around here. Cabinets are being finished today. I'll post a picture of them in progress. I'm absolutely in love. I'm so excited to see the final product now and have a fully functional Kitchen!


Christmas was really good. I was so upset during the day because DH had to work a full shift and left at 5:30am and didn't get home until 4pm...but I kept my mind busy with my God children and watching them open gifts and play with their new things. I was so impatient after DH left that morning that I actually went in and woke everyone up at 6am! :)

The kids got tons of stuff from Santa, and I think they had a wonderful Christmas.
It was overall an amazing Christmas---I got too many amazing things to list them all but a few are: 7 new scents from Victoria's Secret (DH). A new purse (MIL). Tons of makeup, and beauty products (DH). Tons of Coffee accessories such as mugs, and K-cup dispenser. Dutch oven (inlaws) Money from family. Jewelry, sheets, kitchen towels and kitchen accessories. Gift Cards... Oh, gosh there is so much! We are each purchasing a Kindle Fire next week! The biggest thing that I enjoyed was being with my husband when he came home and going to his parents for dinner.

I've been thinking a lot about stopping ttc. All together....for a year or two. I still need time to think about it, but I'm seriously considering it. I would love to go back to school....so I don't know.

Well, I've got to get going and get ready for my appointment to pick out our granite slab!!!! I have no idea what I am looking for but excited to be the one to pick it out and say I chose this wonderful piece of natural stone that is unique!

AF is here and Emotional?

I have no idea where this post is going to go or what I'm going to say, but I just opened my laptop, let the tears stream and I will not press backspace this time.

This has no direction, no specifics, just want to open my heart for a moment, uncensored and raw. 

I fucking hate infertility.

What the hell have I done so wrong? Whom did I harm so bad in my life to battle such a thing to make me feel so worthless, un-womanlike and so very heartbroken?

I wake up each morning and sew closed my heart. Try to keep tears away. Walk around the world with a painted on smile. Dust my house, clean my floor, pack my husbands lunch, sing to him, dance with him, let him hold me, masked. Purely masked. I've got to hold it together....How much more can I take?

How selfish am I to hurt inside when I see God's gift in another tummy? How can I be grateful HE has given life to another soul? Another family gained a child. It is not us. It is not me. But why is this YOUR plan, God? Why is this what you see fit for my husband and I? Why can't we be blessed too? Why that girl who walks the streets at night? Why that woman who doesn't take care of her own and gets them taken away and now expecting another? Why that drug addict who will abort it anyways? Why that girl who's never capable of love anyways and will scream at her child all it's life? I know you hear me, God. I know you hear my cries, my prayers, my husband's prayers. I know you see every word I'm typing right now. Why? Why have you shown me so much pain in 27 years and yet you feel I need more? How can I turn my life to you and be only FOR YOU when you allow such grief? You didn't want me to have a mother, or a father. You didn't want me to have my first two. You saw me sleeping in a car many a nights. You saw men hit me. You saw men rape me.You saw my mother hate me and tell me she wished I never existed. You saw me cry every night, wanting to die even when I was 6. You brought Robert into my life and I thought the world was fine again...and found what love was...and You saw fit that we suffer more. WHY?

I'm supposed to be thinking about Jesus--it's Christmas time. He died for my sins. He loves me. You love me. What are you doing in my life? I can't see clear anymore. I'm filled to the max with hurt. I try to live in YOUR way. I give this to you...please stop the pain.

I think I'm fine and then emotions sneak out. I feel better and think I'm happier then something like today brings back the realization that it could never be us. 

Lonely is my soul. Alone is my heart. Full is my mind and sad are my thoughts. 

Spilling out of my heart is not anger, it is not jealousy...I don't know what it is but it burns...it aches. 

Quickly,

Wanted to stop by. I may not be the best blogger over the next few weeks, I've got my Godchildren here for two weeks, this kitchen remodel, and tons of errands! DH working overtime/going in on his days off. Life is so fast paced right now...but I'm trying to soak it all in and enjoy every moment of it.
I believe a milestone has been reached, and things are settling down and life is seeming to go smoother. People in my life are getting a long better.  It just seems to feel much better right now although this is coupled with chaos and stress, it just means I'm busy. But I'm happy. Tis' the season y'all. (Okie in me coming out!)
Still no AF.
Still sick as a dog with a cold.
TOTALLY READY FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

I guess I should...

Write an update!
Still a ton of work going on here. The sound of saws, hammers and drilling I think will be forever in my ear. I've had a pretty constant headache for the past week!!!! I'm just blessed to see the progress and know what it is going to be in the end. I think I am going to hire a house keeper to come in and do a one time over deep clean of this house. There is a thick layer of dust from this remodel all over every single thing in my house. I've tried to wipe down daily, but it is there again the next morning when they are back drilling and sawing away.
DH has been working a ton, including 3 or more hours of overtime a day and even going in for 8 hour overtime shifts on some days off. It is hard to get used to but we are just so thankful that he has full time work again.
As for me, I'm in excruciating pain. I will be heading in for an xray next week and beginning Physical Therapy for my back twice a week or more for a very long time. I'm hoping surgery isn't necessary but we shall see. Doesn't make for much BD'ing this week. BOOO! My bbs still hurt on and off during the day, mostly at night. One strange thing is my face is slowly clearing up (I've had acne really bad for the past two years) which is very odd to me, but we shall see. For now, I'm just so grateful that I'm not covered in huge zits like normal!!!!
We are very ready for Christmas, I'm saddened that DH has to leave for work at 5:30 that morning, but very happy that our godchildren will be here! I can't wait to watch their faces as they run into our living room and open gifts that morning!!!

I will try to update again very soon! Shout out to those I follow that got their BFP's this past week!!!!! Congrats to you!

Tell Me About Yourself award...

Thank you to Lady Bug at my journey to conception for passing this on to me you're such a great support! I'm finally getting around to posting this!!!

• Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
• List 7 things that people may not know about you.
• Pass the award on to 15 other bloggers

This is not going to be easy--racking my brain about interesting facts about myself!!! Ummm....

1. I am very much terrified of city buses. I can not get past my fear of riding one, therefore I never put myself in a situation where I'd have to ride one. I'd rather walk ten miles than ride one. I don't understand my fear but it is absolutely scary to me!
2. There is only one position I can fall asleep in, and It's been that way since I was a small child!
3. I don't think most of you know that I am hard-of-hearing, fluent in ASL and grew up going to a deaf school for 9 years and most of my friends growing up were deaf. I can speak just fine (11 years of speech therapy) and I don't wear hearing aids anymore--just miss half of movies if there are no captions, and I can't understand accents very well but I can read lips very well!!!
4. I auditioned for Beverly Hills 90210 when I was 10 years old, along with a few of my friends. A friend got the part--and he did so well! It was for a season, and the role was a deaf child. I will never forget the experience--it was so very memorable!!!! 
5. My eldest brother served 3 tours overseas with the Army. I wish he would have never joined because he is not the same person at all, quite judgmental and very angry and I'm sure has severe PTSD who does not believe in God anymore. I miss who he was almost every day and constantly have dreams of when we were younger. I pray daily that his heart will open again and I have always had a strong desire to be close to him.
6. I still talk to my Grandpa who is in heaven very often. He passed away 12 years ago, while we were visiting him for the summer. I do believe if he was still alive--he'd be the only person on my mother's side of the family, besides my auntie whom I recently got into contact with, who would truly understand me--know the things I've gone through, and the choices I've made. I miss going in the garden with him and how he'd sing "Here comes Miss America" Every time I would walk into the room.
7. My husband says the second he fell in love with me was at an In-N-Out Burgers when we were dating, he was watching me eat my fries and loved the way I chewed them (odd, I know!) He said he went home and couldn't get me out of his head and literally had his heart racing. That night he wrote me a long letter (Which I still have) promising to protect me forever, love me always and explaining that he can't help what he's feeling and how hard he's falling for me. I remember reading it and crying--I knew then that life would be okay. We were both recovering from separations/divorces and had told each other from the beginning we didn't want anything serious, and fought our feelings for a few months before giving in and just allowing ourselves to fall madly in love, we couldn't stop it!!

I'm going to pass this on to some amazing bloggers!

• http://ttcandcookin.blogspot.com/
• http://littlebeandreams.blogspot.com/
• http://chasingourstork.blogspot.com/
• http://beforetheclockstrikestwelve.blogspot.com/
• http://crossingmyfingersbutnotmylegs.blogspot.com/
• http://erratictheblog.blogspot.com
• http://fertiltyfrustration.blogspot.com/
• http://theroadfromdreamtoreality.blogspot.com/
• http://gratefulme-ally.blogspot.com/
• http://browning2222-itistime.blogspot.com/
• http://ourlivesasweknowittobe.blogspot.com/
• http://rhiannonsnyder.blogspot.com/
• http://beankitty.blogspot.com/
• http://jensttcjourney.blogspot.com/
• http://ttcfatty.blogspot.com/
• http://waitingnwishing.blogspot.com/
• http://mynotesonttcandlife.blogspot.com/

I know that is more than 15, but I'm so grateful to be able to follow so many journeys and that you all are comfortable enough to share your sorrows and accomplishments with me--and I hope I can support you all as much as you have supported me!

Sorry for Slacking...

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a week!
So much has been going on here, and I knew it would be crazy busy.
We have a brand new electronic garage door that was installed on Tuesday! It is perfect in every way... the teeny windows are so cute! It is so funny how our excitement and joys change as we grow up! Who would have thought I could have pure joy out of a new garage door??? Pretty funny in my book!
Well, after that, I had to spend two days by myself packing up the kitchen so DH and FIL could have at it with a sledge hammer yesterday. I have absolutely no idea how we got so much stuff in one year! I literally filled up my guest room with boxes from kitchen items. Yesterday was very stressful with tearing out cabinets and one wall we are pushing back to gain more counter space. I could hear the frustrations with DH and FIL, but in the end it is much better and now we're ready for the next step. The next step is to have the plumber, electrician and framer come in and that starts Monday morning. I am not looking forward to all of the craziness and noise, but it is what it is for now. Our cabinets were also delivered yesterday! Took up half our garage! We were wondering how the heck all of that stuff is going to go in our tiny kitchen...
After a very long and stressful day yesterday, DH told me to shower and get dressed, he was taking me out on a date!!! We haven't had so much fun in a very long time! He took me to Fudruckers (my first time!) and we stuffed ourselves and got Chocolate Wasted!!! We played arcade games and then he took me to the movies to see the latest Twilight movie 'Breaking Dawn.' Bless his heart that couldn't have been too exciting for him!!! I haven't felt that young, alive, silly, and in love in years! We were cracking up and being silly--even making the entire theater laugh before the movie!

So, as you can see: I have been extremely busy and probably will be for weeks to come.

In the infertility realm of my life, bd'ing has been much more than usual, even with all of the craze going on in our lives...I sure don't object to that! I ordered some Wondfo pregnancy tests (here's a link) on amazon with some other things... and I feel so much better knowing I have 25 to "waste" this cycle! I won't feel too bad because five dollars was worth my obsessions. I decided to start testing right away every day (it's way too early, but for some reason POAS relieves some stress every day??) I'm sure you POAS addicts will understand what I mean. I'm not really symptom spotting---as we are still on a "natural" unmedicated cycle. I have noticed some pain in my bbs. Crying a lot and some occasional nausea--but that seems to be very normal for me each month so I don't think anything of it anymore. I think I felt ovulation this month--as it was on the day the chart online said it should be, and it was extreme ovary pains. So I'm hoping we were successful with Ovulation this month--no guarantee though. I'm just wondering when to expect af??? Well, I've got to get back to my crazy reality and clean up some dust left over from yesterday's demo!!

P.S. Congrats to you IF bloggers who recently got your BFP's!!!!

But not me....

I've seen so many BFP's in the infertility world in the past couple of weeks! I'm happy for those who have gone through such a tough journey and are finally seeing results to all of their hard work and anguish. Finally getting their little miracle(s). That puts hope in my heart and faith in my soul. But, it's not me...yet.

I just can't shake the lonesome feeling of still not being a part of that group. A Mother. Raising a family. Giving my loving husband the gift of a child. Raising one of God's little angels. DH said something astounding to me the other day. He mentioned that I have very strong motherly instincts and it shows almost every day. I looked at him cock-eyed! I was shocked to hear that come from his mouth, but he's right. I have those instincts and I can't put them to use. It's a daily struggle. There are so many ups & downs.

Lately I have had extreme back pain and it is really hitting me hard, my muscles are so stiff and I'm having a ton of spasms which has made it hard to get a good night's rest. I've been trying hard to keep up with life and press on. Today I missed my cousin's baby shower and I feel awful, but I know it was a wonderful shower. I've been on the couch most of the day trying to recover and get better. I see my doctor on Monday and will probably request an Xray on my back and hips again. Hoping things are not as bad as they feel.

I was able to get our tree, ornaments and decorations, and set it all up, and wrap gifts, and help put lights up on the house on Friday. Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas! When we got our tree up and plugged it in (last year a real tree was gifted to us-this year we purchased our very own, very first tree) DH looked at me, tears filled his eyes and he grabbed me and we began dancing while Natalie Cole's "No more Blue Christmas" played in the background with tears streaming down our faces. It was such an amazing moment. I felt so loved and wanted. I felt so honored to be in that moment with my soul mate. We will be okay. We are okay.

Here is a peek at our tree: