This has no direction, no specifics, just want to open my heart for a moment, uncensored and raw.
I fucking hate infertility.
What the hell have I done so wrong? Whom did I harm so bad in my life to battle such a thing to make me feel so worthless, un-womanlike and so very heartbroken?
I wake up each morning and sew closed my heart. Try to keep tears away. Walk around the world with a painted on smile. Dust my house, clean my floor, pack my husbands lunch, sing to him, dance with him, let him hold me, masked. Purely masked. I've got to hold it together....How much more can I take?
How selfish am I to hurt inside when I see God's gift in another tummy? How can I be grateful HE has given life to another soul? Another family gained a child. It is not us. It is not me. But why is this YOUR plan, God? Why is this what you see fit for my husband and I? Why can't we be blessed too? Why that girl who walks the streets at night? Why that woman who doesn't take care of her own and gets them taken away and now expecting another? Why that drug addict who will abort it anyways? Why that girl who's never capable of love anyways and will scream at her child all it's life? I know you hear me, God. I know you hear my cries, my prayers, my husband's prayers. I know you see every word I'm typing right now. Why? Why have you shown me so much pain in 27 years and yet you feel I need more? How can I turn my life to you and be only FOR YOU when you allow such grief? You didn't want me to have a mother, or a father. You didn't want me to have my first two. You saw me sleeping in a car many a nights. You saw men hit me. You saw men rape me.You saw my mother hate me and tell me she wished I never existed. You saw me cry every night, wanting to die even when I was 6. You brought Robert into my life and I thought the world was fine again...and found what love was...and You saw fit that we suffer more. WHY?
I'm supposed to be thinking about Jesus--it's Christmas time. He died for my sins. He loves me. You love me. What are you doing in my life? I can't see clear anymore. I'm filled to the max with hurt. I try to live in YOUR way. I give this to you...please stop the pain.
I think I'm fine and then emotions sneak out. I feel better and think I'm happier then something like today brings back the realization that it could never be us.
Lonely is my soul. Alone is my heart. Full is my mind and sad are my thoughts.
Spilling out of my heart is not anger, it is not jealousy...I don't know what it is but it burns...it aches.