I've seen so many BFP's in the infertility world in the past couple of weeks! I'm happy for those who have gone through such a tough journey and are finally seeing results to all of their hard work and anguish. Finally getting their little miracle(s). That puts hope in my heart and faith in my soul. But, it's not me...yet.
I just can't shake the lonesome feeling of still not being a part of that group. A Mother. Raising a family. Giving my loving husband the gift of a child. Raising one of God's little angels. DH said something astounding to me the other day. He mentioned that I have very strong motherly instincts and it shows almost every day. I looked at him cock-eyed! I was shocked to hear that come from his mouth, but he's right. I have those instincts and I can't put them to use. It's a daily struggle. There are so many ups & downs.
Lately I have had extreme back pain and it is really hitting me hard, my muscles are so stiff and I'm having a ton of spasms which has made it hard to get a good night's rest. I've been trying hard to keep up with life and press on. Today I missed my cousin's baby shower and I feel awful, but I know it was a wonderful shower. I've been on the couch most of the day trying to recover and get better. I see my doctor on Monday and will probably request an Xray on my back and hips again. Hoping things are not as bad as they feel.
I was able to get our tree, ornaments and decorations, and set it all up, and wrap gifts, and help put lights up on the house on Friday. Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas! When we got our tree up and plugged it in (last year a real tree was gifted to us-this year we purchased our very own, very first tree) DH looked at me, tears filled his eyes and he grabbed me and we began dancing while Natalie Cole's "No more Blue Christmas" played in the background with tears streaming down our faces. It was such an amazing moment. I felt so loved and wanted. I felt so honored to be in that moment with my soul mate. We will be okay. We are okay.
Here is a peek at our tree: