More good news!

This week was wonderful and stressful all at the same time!

Of course I started my new job which has been amazing and EXHAUSTING...but also on Thursday, we were given the wonderful gift of full weekend custody of my husband's son. This was just amazing news to us! So all in one week I went from a stay at home wife with no real schedule to a full time employee M-F and a full time mommy on the weekends! Let's just say I've never been so tired before 8pm in my life!

Friday night was DS's first time sleeping in our home and it was such a neat experience! (he has been staying nights at DH's mother's house when in town but spending the day time with us) We picked him up and ran straight to the store. We bought new sheets for his bed, new pj's, toothbrush, stuffed animal to sleep with, toys, movies, etc. It was so exciting and amazing. After we bathed him and put him to bed, DH and I stood there watching him sleep and DH had tears running down his face. I am so in love with him. He feels so blessed and happy. It feels so wonderful being even just "weekend FULL TIME parents." We are getting in the groove and am sure we will have this down pat very soon. I've created a chore/behavior chart that DS seems very excited to start! (he has autism spectrum disorder) He's been so good and enjoyable to be around!

Watching DH put his child to bed, or bathing him together, and having a six year old crawl into bed with us early in the morning feels joyful, and amazing. I know when we get back into TTC and if, we ever are successful: DH and I will be ready. He is such an amazing parent. We make a great team!!!! 

I'm sill in awe and amazed at how quickly life has changed and how wonderful it is. I had a long, hard, sad upbringing and early adult life. This surely is heaven on earth! I cannot wait until the day we are ready to try to add to our family. I am so excited for the future, and I'm definitely FULL OF HOPE!!!

Life as I know it...

Has changed!

Literally two hours after that last blog post, I got an email!

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I had spent hours, days, weeks stressing-wondering then I got offered an interview--- then a 3 hour long interview--with 4 interviewers, tons of paperwork and a bunch of questions!

MORE WAITING...

I was then told a few days later that I was chosen for the position! I then had to run around and get my fingerprint background check completed, TB test completed, DMV record turned in, Health Screening completed, School records turned in...it was so stressful the first day I heard I needed to do all of this just to GET the job. I curled under the blankets and cried. My mother in law called me and talked me out from under the blankets and reminded me how wonderful and strong I was. I said a long prayer and off I was. It literally all fell into place after that. Everything came so easy and  worked out so perfectly, I just know this is meant to be. God guided me and carried me, and heard my frustrations. He knows the old me--when road blocks hit, I would shut down. He opened the road nice a wide and I cruised through the week and I was blessed beyond measure!

Today was my first day. I thought I'd never be in this field of work again and that I would surely do something else for a career----SOMEDAY. I had NO intentions of going back, but God prompted me to email my old boss one day and BAM! Here I am!

I work as a full time and on-call 24/7 Substance Abuse Counselor for the deaf and hard of hearing at a rehab a couple of cities away. I had a long and wonderful first day and am very excited for the future. We now have an EXTRA income (we were quite comfortable with only one) and I feel purposeful again! Also the job comes with wonderful benefits that will be VERY useful when we decide to TTC again! I'm excited to set up my office and make it my own. I'm excited to be out making a difference in the world. I'm excited to save up for a new car and for our trip to Hawaii next year! I'm just plain 'ol EXCITED!

 Literally 2 months exactly after I had my "aha moment" (as Oprah as added to the dictionary!) and I got rid of toxic people and bad thinking---my life is completely different! God has a plan, and when I fully turned my life and situations over to him: my life became more wonderful than it has EVER been.

Yes, 2013 will be MY YEAR!

2013

A true meaning to fresh starts, and New Year's Resolutions...


Nothing extremely new/exciting has really happened...but my soul has dramatically changed especially in the past few weeks.

Christmas was gorgeously wonderful. It was an amazing time spent with DH and his family. Gifts were plentiful and amazing, but most of all being surrounded by peace and love was heaven on earth for me.

New Years DH and I went to a friend of mine's house and rang in the new year with confetti, toasts and hours of laughter. We didn't get home until almost 3am!

As I have spoken of before: I've been "weeding" through my 'friends' and people in my life...
I'm not so sure why I hung on to toxic people and situations for so very long other than maybe I've always had a hard time being alone. Because of our pasts, DH and I are very often judged. We don't have normalcy like most married couples. I don't have parents...or any immediate family really. I often get VERY depressed over that. DH has a huge loving, forgiving, accepting, and Christian family.

Our love for each other has become stronger than ever. We have sat and talked seriously about the hurdles we will face in the future, ways to grow, the depths of our love for each other, and how we feel we were hand crafted especially for each other by our Creator. If we had not gone through our own hell, our darkest days--we really would have not crossed paths and our souls would still be lost.

I have found the man of my dreams. He is not perfect, he's not 6' tall and bulging with muscles: he has a few stretch marks and really enjoys ice cream, he comes with pain and struggles--but he is my soul mate. He has carried me, saved me, loved me, guided me, protected me and taught me so much. He is patient, kind, sweet, hilarious and smart. We surely did struggle for the first two years of our marriage and didn't have a true grasp on reality. We didn't have the stability and knowledge--and most of all we often times forgot Christ in our marriage and home. This was key to a new beginning, falling deeper in love than ever imaginable and such quiet peace in our lives.

Last night we were at a wonderful restaurant enjoying a date night, and words just started flowing. For the next two hours it seemed as though we were the only two in the dining hall. We held hands across the table and talked about our love, our marriage, our past, our goals, and even talked about things that haven't ever been talked about in the five years I've known him. Its as though we fell in love all over again. As though we unlocked the key to our future together. I really woke up and realized the gifts I'm blessed with. The opportunity to face struggles and learn from them. The value of love for another human being who comes with flaws and faults. The privilege of infertility. Yes, I said privilege.

Infertility has opened new doors in my life some women and married couples never get to open and walk through. It has given me the opportunity to grab my husband and sob into his chest over losses and failures. It has helped me learn so much about my body and how I should take care of it. It has given me the perspective of just how precious children are and what a gracious gift from God it can be to bring new life into the world. I have looked at pregnant bellies like I have never before in my life. I can walk by the baby department, grab a onsie off the rack and gently cradle it next to my chest and dream beautiful dreams. I have fallen to my knees and called out to my God like never before. I have met women just like me. I have gained patience and strength that I've never had before. I have seen my husband weep and pour out emotions that I never knew men had. I have looked into children's eyes and heard soulful song from their souls that I never paid attention to before. I have gained the knowledge that there is a plan for me and a reason for my struggles, and that my God will never leave my side. Infertility has blessed me beyond measure.

This is a new beginning, a new year, another journey. Together DH and I have made couple's resolutions and each made personal resolutions and will go through many changes I'm sure- but most of all we will be together, hand in hand, forever.

Weight loss progress

At the end of March this year, a friend of mine took a picture of me bowling on our double date and he text me the picture thinking I'd love it and want to post it.

That was SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH.
I saw that picture and it was a huge wake up call. I didn't realize just how BIG I'd gotten. With the major depression, serious PCOS hormone problems, last year's broken ankle incident-causing me to not walk for months, new medications and fears, serious pain flare ups, I had gained and continued to gain. In 2008 I was big, but not BIG. I was a size 11 and about 165lbs. I even wore a bikini. I'd like to be under that by 2013 summer....a LONG WAY to go!!!!

My wake up call jump started my weight loss. I became more active (no workout schedule due to health issues, but hope to change that soon!) I began paleo then switched to gluten free eating. I am not as STRICT with the gluten free as I should be, and hope to change that again! Please, if you suffer from PCOS, consider gluten free. SO MANY OF US ARE INTOLERANT TO GLUTEN AND DO NOT KNOW IT! Now, I have a long way to go, A LONG WAY...but I am going to say I'm proud of where I'm going, and what I've accomplished thus far.

52lbs gone!

I'd like to lose at least 50 more, if not, 75 more!!! I'm now a size 17/18...and ideally would like to be below a 10. I will never be that girl who is a size 5, or whatever. My hips are way, way too wide and I have a rather large behind!

I know several posts ago I posted a picture, so I'll post that again, and then a few recent ones that I think show the most weight loss progress!









and this next one is me at Christmas one year ago. I cried when I found it in my email.

And I can't believe I'm going to post it....

SO GROSS. I was so sad. Such a lot has changed in one short year...

A Check-in with some thoughts.

Oh, boy have I been going through some necessary changes!! Some big changes.
I have in the past few months sat down and looked at my surroundings and literally weeded through hundreds of people. Wondering why certain people were involved in my life? Realizing I kept negative people around simply because I hate feeling lonely. Allowing chaos to enter my home and marriage. Allowing stress to overtake me. Being the reason for sadness, drama, unnecessary stress and arguments with many people. Realizing some people judge us without getting to know us, MANY people take advantage of our kindness and hospitality, and some people are just at different places in their lives than we are or want to be.

I had to let go of a lot of people/places/things. I want to build myself up, and I'm finding it hard to do. I've realized just how LITTLE self confidence I have. I'm focusing on what is important to me and I'm scared to death to find out who I am, but I am ready. Very ready. Through my anxiety and fear, I've just kept trekking. Yes, my home is quieter, yes some people are angry that I "deleted" them, yes, I don't recognize myself at the moment but I'm ready. I want to know who I am, and what my Heavenly Father has created me to be.

If not a mother right now, then who?

I've been trying to stay active, learn to be by myself in quietness, and focus on my immediate surroundings. Accept emotions as they come, process feelings and speak up.

Speaking up and saying how I truly feel has been probably the biggest change in me and the most liberating.
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I celebrated 2 years of marriage with my husband up at Hearst Castle in late October. It was simply heaven. The best trip and time spent together yet. A memory I'll cherish for a lifetime.

November brought joy, close family, Thanksgiving, and some party planning.

This month, so far, I have stayed quite busy planning my stepson's 6th birthday party which was a HUGE success.
I hosted a Bug Birthday party here at my home and had a HUGE turnout. Bounce house, kids and puppies running around, adults mingling laughing and enjoying food. I made centerpieces, party favors, decorations and more. I had the help of a good friend, and it was an enjoyable and stressful thing to do, but worth every minute of sleep lost, every anxiety and tear. I doubted myself too much (as usual) and it wound up being one of the best parties I've ever put together!

Now that that is over, I'm focusing on Christmas. This will actually be the first Christmas morning I get to wake up next to my DH--just him and I. He won't be rushing off to work. No one will be here but just him and I. It will be just the two of us, which I am very much looking forward to. It will be a dream come true. A magical, peaceful day for sure.
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I'm not quite sure I want this blog anymore? Has it changed my focus? I do enjoy writing. It calms me, helps me express my inner thoughts. But, should I be focused on ttc right now, or is God calling me to do something else? I often sit quietly and ask him this.

I do want to take the time to thank all of my supporters who have encouraged me, read my posts, and been through this blog's journey with me for the past 18 months. Most of those I've followed have conceived or adopted, and have had wonderful success stories and that gives me hope for one day. One day when God is ready.

For now, I am becoming Amy. Whoever she is.


Below are a few pictures of our dear Hunter's 6th birthday party. I may add more later as I get them.
Also, some Christmas Pictures from us.














 

Stopping.

Just hopped on my blog to let everyone know that DH and I made a big decision today to stop family planning for at least 6 months. We are done!

This cycle was my last straw. I got 9, may I say NINE faint positives, and af was six days late.


These next six months are going to be about spoiling the heck out of ourselves and living our lives to the fullest. We are going to go places, and just have fun as a married couple.

I may hop on to blog every now and then, but I'm going to halt most all things that have to do with ttc.

This is just reality of infertility. Breaks are good. And this one is necessary for my sanity. I'm sick of seeing so many women around me just pop up pregnant...it's quite frustrating, but now I'm just going to say secretly in my head "at least I still get to go out late at night!!!" Maybe, just maybe that will help me feel better? Who knows.

I'm going to work on becoming a sexy & skinny wife for the next six months.
WATCH ME!

Reality is, that infertility can destroy people. I won't let it destroy me.

I'm done trying.

For now.

Keep in touch:
acrsmethurst@gmail.com