July 19, 2011 Update

DH and I took a trip to Arizona from the 15th-18th to visit his birth mother and her family. It was his birth mother's husband's 65th birthday! It was sooooo nice to get away and have fun. I am glad we took the trip, but oh my gosh, 115 degree weather was torturous! We were happy to come home to our puppies who got spoiled by my friend, our house sitter. I had a nice conversation with his birth mom about ttc and got a lot of support from her, which meant a lot.

I still have had trouble talking to DH's mom (adoptive) about us being on treatments. I am afraid, for what? I have absolutely no clue. She is such a wonderful woman, very christian and supportive and loving. I love her to death. I just think that with her daughter being pregnant, I don't want to take away from that. Speaking of that----my sister in law's baby shower is this Sunday....I have NOT RSVP'd yet...I am in such conflict about this. I am so afraid to go and have a break down. I am happy for her, but I am just so sad that this isn't me and DH's shower. I hope through prayer and thoughts and words of advice that I make the right decision. I was there for the birth of SIL's first child, and was happy about that--3 years ago. It is all just more difficult now that we are trying so hard.

I had a long talk with DH tonight. We decided to try one or two more months of treatments then take a break. We both feel that we need more prayer, and thoughts, but want to take a break from the trying, stressing and documenting and just love on each other... and if we're not pregnant by our anniversary trip, we'd like to just go and not stress...and for God's sake I don't want to be a hormonal "B" on that special trip--especially because that trip includes attending my cousin's wedding in Oregon! We are ok with it, and have come to terms that we just might not be parents in the next year. We love each other so much, and are enjoying being puppy parents, and remodeling our first home, and planning a future, with our without a child this year. This road has sure been tough, draining, tearful, stressful but so worth it. I'm looking forward to trying still for the next two or so months, but also letting go for just a while has brought me peace. As DH always says "A love like our's will never grow old." We'll keep trying, fighting, and loving each other through it all.

DH once said to me---"Put your hand in mine, and we can do together what we could not do alone." Our marriage is this, and will only grow stronger.

I will always dream of our future child, and when he/she is ready to embrace the world and done serving in heaven--he/she will come from God's arms right into mine. I just know it.