Friday, July 29, 2011

July 29, 2011 AF reveals deep depression

So, I was dying to blog yesterday--because I hadn't started af and she was late but I wanted to give it one more day so I didn't jinx myself of course. Well, at 2am AF reared her ugly face and broke down my walls I've been holding up for months now.

I can't hold it in anymore. I, through text, finally told my DH just how depressed I am.

Because of health issues I haven't been able to work full time in years. Even after graduating school in 2009 to be a chemical dependency counselor (although the job market sucks anyways) I wasn't able to go to work every single day. I don't have a relationship with my own mother and I keep it that way for my marriage's sake and for my own sanity but its depressing through this journey without a mother. Because of health problems I can't exercise like I want to and with this broken ankle healing I haven't been able to do anything at all, even walking to the bathroom causes excruciating pain. I'm the biggest I've ever been, I'm covered in acne, and I'm infertile. I cry when my DH leaves the house because I don't want to do it when he's around. I lay awake every night and racing thoughts go through my head. I hate mirrors. I hate that everyone around me is having babies. I can't be happy for them. Not even a little (although I do say to them that I support them and are happy for them just to be kind.) I serve no purpose right now. I refuse to leave the house. I get out of the house maybe 6 times a month unless I'm on a trip...but even then I stay in bed a lot. The world out there makes me sad. I don't want to go out there anymore...and I can't see another baby without it hurting my heart so bad. I avoid everyone that I can. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to sleep...and dream of being healthy, fit, a mother, and a wonderful wife, and having a wonderful family. I'm tired---very tired and infertility has taken its toll on me like I would have never thought. I don't talk to anyone in specific...I avoid the forums now most of the time. I've never felt more worthless, useless and like a failure in my life. My life is like a cruel joke...everywhere around me is what I want and dream of in life but things are thrown in my path that prevent me from getting there. But it sure is in my face every day...the babies, the skinny people, the unfit women getting pregnant and complaining, baby announcements online, on tv, in the mail, everywhere, the exercise routines I'll never be able to do again. I wish I could run.. I really wish I could run up a mountain and sit up there for hours...running seems like something that would get me out of my head. Heck, I can't even do the lazy thing and drive right now. I am so fat now that I can't stand to go outside because I'm afraid I'll run into someone I know and they'll see how big I am now. I have teenage acne. My hair has stopped growing and is shoulder length--which I hate. I can't buy cute clothes because apparently fat people don't deserve cute clothes to be made. I don't know how the heck my DH can even sleep in the same bed as me. I'm a hormonal mess, and pretty mean and evil sometimes. I yell and scream like my mother used to do, and I never wanted to be that way. I hate the feeling inside of me, every day on edge, wanting to cry. I wish I had a purpose, one for the world. A purpose for people. To make a difference. I wish I could be a mom. I wish I could have a mom. I wish I could get healthy and look attractive for my husband. I wish, I wish, I wish.. but there are no more stars in the sky at night I guess I've called upon them too much, because they aren't answering...

I really just don't know what else to say.


  1. I came acoss your blog thru your post on the ttc website on facebook. I had to become a member because I know exactly how you feel. We have been trying to conceive for about 8 years now. Although not agressively at all times we weren't trying to prevent it. I know exactly what you are going thru. I have PCOS and all its ugly side effects. I am very heavy right now. In fact, heavier than I have ever been. But I have no energy to do anything about it. I am so sick of seeing every body else pregnant. Even those who don't want a baby and take everything forgranted that I would die for. Please know that you are not alone. Feel free to add me as a friend on facebook if you would like. I would be more than happy to talk to you when needed. As far as you saying that you want to do something to make your life feel worth while....I am going thru the same thing. I am in search of a good company to volunteer for. I am hoping to find some needy kids or single parents that need help. (Let's hope this doesn't make it worse)

  2. Oh Honey, you do have a purpose in life I don't think I could get through the week and sometimes day without you and the other ladies that blog about their own battles. It makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world suffering. I really hope that you get to feeling better and I'm sorry if I made you sad with my last comment, I had good intentions and was really excited for you. Lots of ((Hugs)).


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