Friday, July 29, 2011

Time to get honest... hate me or not.

You know, its time I told my whole story...all of it.
I have had two children. One when I was 18 and one when I was 20. I was in an extremely abusive relationship and just a child who knew nothing and had no support anywhere. I will not go into much detail.. but here is some background:

Got pregnant the first time I had sex. I was 17 years old, and 18 when she was born. Forced into adoption by my parents (literally forced, but I don't regret giving her a wonderful life) By forced I mean, phones locked up, being put in the corner when I didn't behave, spanked, and put down, trips to adoption agencies, being told that child will never be allowed in the home, I will never be a good parent and so on. After adoption papers were signed I got on a plane and went back to baby's father who was very abusive... it was all I knew. I tried to rescend the adoption, and papers were shred...illegal yes, tried to fight it, and did not win...LDS family services did me wrong...but I decided after a few years, this beautiful baby girl did not know me and would be traumatized if I tried to take her from her loving home. I was forced then by the same guy to have sex every day to "replace our loss" beaten and bloody, I did.. I had sex.. I got pregnant again at 19. By help from my brother who happened to be stationed in the same city I lived in, he protected me for several months but I went back with my baby boy. Luckily my parents found a way to trick me and take him from me so I could get away... but that was not their help me...they just wanted to give him away too. I fought for years in court against my mother and step father to get this precious boy back home to me (I moved states and left the father of the kids and got my life on track) My step father was the attorney representing my mother to take his grandson away from his daughter just to give him away. The only way I can make sense of them doing this is that I left the Mormon religion, and they truly hate me, and have since I was a child. That is the only way that I can make sense of what they did, I don't know anyone else so evil. I don't know how, but I never won. I, finally over a year ago, right before my wedding (made for emotional wedding planning) after not seeing him for years signed my rights away just to ensure he got away from my parents home. I had to think about him, before I thought about myself. I wanted him home to me. I wanted my baby boy in my arms again, but I more than anything, didn't want him growing up in the home and environment that I did. I feared him being abused, verbally and possibly physically. I exhausted all funds and resources and couldn't afford to fight anymore, but the longer I fought, the longer he stayed in that I had to let go. I pray that my son is with my daughter (which was my conditions) every single day. They are 8 & 7 now. Beautiful children. Such talent.

My point to this is this:
I was given two children by Heavenly Father that did not become mine in the end that I miss daily, hourly..every minute. And now that I have a loving, caring, devoted husband and a beautiful home...stability and love, God sees fit that I'm now infertile. I am devastated. Crushed. I've tried for six years.. 3 of those with my now get pregnant again. Yes, I know what its like to be pregnant. I'm sorry I've never said this, but it is so hard to talk about. It feels so cruel, and it is something I've tried to work through in my life. I don't understand any of it, or how it was all possible...but the heartbreak never ends. My yearning in life is to care for children. To be a mother, and to make my DH a father (he too, has a son that we never see). A trial this big in my life is devastating, and I feel it is just too much.

In my life, I dream to be what I never had. A loving mother. I dream to share my life and love a child as God would want me to do. I feel like I'm dying inside. The loss of my two children, almost never getting to see my stepson because DH's ex moved far away, is pregnant now, and is just heartless, and dying for a family we can build in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and share our lives with...

I hope I haven't hurt anyone, offended anyone...I hope someone out there knows the feeling of loss... although they are both out there and still alive.. I, too have had 11 miscarriages (yes, another secret I've kept.) I care about all of my readers, I care about their struggles, I want to share my life in sisterhood and support and I can't do this without people knowing everything.

Now that you know all of me, can anyone pray with me for answers? I'm truly sad and lost and feel hopeless.


  1. Oh, Amy your story makes my heart ache deeply. I can't imagine what it must feel like to go through all that, but the thing that keeps me going is knowing that there is a huge community of other women and families with stories similar to mine. Different, but similar.
    I'm not sure how much you have tried as far as fertility treatments yet (I will read further) but clearly your body knows how to do it and might just need a little help.

    Years ago I was in a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship~ I never got pregnant during that time thankfully, but I did get severe fibroids that threatened to end my fertility. I was very sick-- and I looked pregnant, with a swollen belly. I ended up having to get them surgically removed-- and now I have what looks like a c-section scar. I blame the sickness I felt in my heart at the time for the sickness that developed in my body.
    Looking back on it, I feel like my body was locking itself up ~ like it knew I shouldn't breed with that guy. The hard thing has been getting my body to unlock from that time. Now I too am with someone I desperately want to have a baby with, and something isn't cooperating.
    Very different stories, but I do understand the desperate frustration~
    Just remember you're not alone, and we *are* all praying with and for you


  2. Oh my goodness...I'm shaking my head in disbelief (I really believe you) but I can not believe people can be so cruel.
    I do pray for you every time I read your blog and will not stop until you get that sweet little baby that you are praying for. ((Hugs))
    PS I honestly could never ever hate you.

  3. Oh my Amy!!! You are one tough cookie, let me tell you! I couldn't even imagine the pain that you went through in all that! *HUGS* Know that we are here for you now and sending baby dust to you every day! :-)


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