Time to get honest... hate me or not.

You know, its time I told my whole story...all of it.

I have had two children. One when I was 18 and one when I was 20. I was in an extremely abusive relationship and just a child who knew nothing and had no support anywhere. I will not go into much detail.. but here is some background:

Got pregnant the first time I had sex. I was 17 years old, and 18 when she was born. Forced into adoption by my parents (literally forced, but I don't regret giving her a wonderful life) By forced I mean, phones locked up, being put in the corner when I didn't behave, spanked, and put down, trips to adoption agencies, being told that child will never be allowed in the home, I will never be a good parent and so on. After adoption papers were signed I got on a plane and went back to baby's father who was very abusive... it was all I knew. I tried to rescend the adoption, and papers were shred...illegal yes, tried to fight it, and did not win...LDS family services did me wrong...but I decided after a few years, this beautiful baby girl did not know me and would be traumatized if I tried to take her from her loving home. I was forced then by the same guy to have sex every day to "replace our loss" beaten and bloody, I did.. I had sex.. I got pregnant again at 19. By help from my brother who happened to be stationed in the same city I lived in, he protected me for several months but I went back with my baby boy. Luckily my parents found a way to trick me and take him from me so I could get away... but that was not their intentions..to help me...they just wanted to give him away too. I fought for years in court against my mother and step father to get this precious boy back home to me (I moved states and left the father of the kids and got my life on track) My step father was the attorney representing my mother to take his grandson away from his daughter just to give him away. The only way I can make sense of them doing this is that I left the Mormon religion, and they truly hate me, and have since I was a child. That is the only way that I can make sense of what they did, I don't know anyone else so evil. I don't know how, but I never won. I, finally over a year ago, right before my wedding (made for emotional wedding planning) after not seeing him for years signed my rights away just to ensure he got away from my parents home. I had to think about him, before I thought about myself. I wanted him home to me. I wanted my baby boy in my arms again, but I more than anything, didn't want him growing up in the home and environment that I did. I feared him being abused, verbally and possibly physically. I exhausted all funds and resources and couldn't afford to fight anymore, but the longer I fought, the longer he stayed in that environment...so I had to let go. I pray that my son is with my daughter (which was my conditions) every single day. They are 8 & 7 now. Beautiful children. Such talent.

My point to this is this:

I was given two children by Heavenly Father that did not become mine in the end that I miss daily, hourly..every minute. And now that I have a loving, caring, devoted husband and a beautiful home...stability and love, God sees fit that I'm now infertile. I am devastated. Crushed. I've tried for six years.. 3 of those with my now DH...to get pregnant again. Yes, I know what its like to be pregnant. I'm sorry I've never said this, but it is so hard to talk about. It feels so cruel, and it is something I've tried to work through in my life. I don't understand any of it, or how it was all possible...but the heartbreak never ends. My yearning in life is to care for children. To be a mother, and to make my DH a father (he too, has a son that we never see). A trial this big in my life is devastating, and I feel it is just too much.

In my life, I dream to be what I never had. A loving mother. I dream to share my life and love a child as God would want me to do. I feel like I'm dying inside. The loss of my two children, almost never getting to see my stepson because DH's ex moved far away, is pregnant now, and is just heartless, and dying for a family we can build in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and share our lives with...

I hope I haven't hurt anyone, offended anyone...I hope someone out there knows the feeling of loss... although they are both out there and still alive.. I, too have had 11 miscarriages (yes, another secret I've kept.) I care about all of my readers, I care about their struggles, I want to share my life in sisterhood and support and I can't do this without people knowing everything.

Now that you know all of me, can anyone pray with me for answers? I'm truly sad and lost and feel hopeless.

July 29, 2011 AF reveals deep depression

So, I was dying to blog yesterday--because I hadn't started af and she was late but I wanted to give it one more day so I didn't jinx myself of course. Well, at 2am AF reared her ugly face and broke down my walls I've been holding up for months now.

I can't hold it in anymore. I, through text, finally told my DH just how depressed I am.

Because of health issues I haven't been able to work full time in years. Even after graduating school in 2009 to be a chemical dependency counselor (although the job market sucks anyways) I wasn't able to go to work every single day. I don't have a relationship with my own mother and I keep it that way for my marriage's sake and for my own sanity but its depressing through this journey without a mother. Because of health problems I can't exercise like I want to and with this broken ankle healing I haven't been able to do anything at all, even walking to the bathroom causes excruciating pain. I'm the biggest I've ever been, I'm covered in acne, and I'm infertile. I cry when my DH leaves the house because I don't want to do it when he's around. I lay awake every night and racing thoughts go through my head. I hate mirrors. I hate that everyone around me is having babies. I can't be happy for them. Not even a little (although I do say to them that I support them and are happy for them just to be kind.) I serve no purpose right now. I refuse to leave the house. I get out of the house maybe 6 times a month unless I'm on a trip...but even then I stay in bed a lot. The world out there makes me sad. I don't want to go out there anymore...and I can't see another baby without it hurting my heart so bad. I avoid everyone that I can. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to sleep...and dream of being healthy, fit, a mother, and a wonderful wife, and having a wonderful family. I'm tired---very tired and infertility has taken its toll on me like I would have never thought. I don't talk to anyone in specific...I avoid the forums now most of the time. I've never felt more worthless, useless and like a failure in my life. My life is like a cruel joke...everywhere around me is what I want and dream of in life but things are thrown in my path that prevent me from getting there. But it sure is in my face every day...the babies, the skinny people, the unfit women getting pregnant and complaining, baby announcements online, on tv, in the mail, everywhere, the exercise routines I'll never be able to do again. I wish I could run.. I really wish I could run up a mountain and sit up there for hours...running seems like something that would get me out of my head. Heck, I can't even do the lazy thing and drive right now. I am so fat now that I can't stand to go outside because I'm afraid I'll run into someone I know and they'll see how big I am now. I have teenage acne. My hair has stopped growing and is shoulder length--which I hate. I can't buy cute clothes because apparently fat people don't deserve cute clothes to be made. I don't know how the heck my DH can even sleep in the same bed as me. I'm a hormonal mess, and pretty mean and evil sometimes. I yell and scream like my mother used to do, and I never wanted to be that way. I hate the feeling inside of me, every day on edge, wanting to cry. I wish I had a purpose, one for the world. A purpose for people. To make a difference. I wish I could be a mom. I wish I could have a mom. I wish I could get healthy and look attractive for my husband. I wish, I wish, I wish.. but there are no more stars in the sky at night I guess I've called upon them too much, because they aren't answering...

I really just don't know what else to say.

July 24, 2011 12DPO

I use an app on my phone to track my cycle, also I look at the ticker here on my blog, and each are different, one says AF should arrive in 2 days, one says in 4 days... So I've decided to hold off and test in 5 days to be sure. I only have one in my posession (limited myself this time!) I wanted to put myself in this situation so that I wouldn't be tempted to test early-knowing I only have one in the house keeps me from trying to use it.

Symptoms lately come and go. I've had a lot of severe insomnia (1 1/2 hours of sleep at night, and sometimes 4 or 5 hours at night if I'm lucky) I find myself just falling asleep in the middle of the day for 20 minutes or more (which feels like pregnancy exhaustion but obviously could be because of the insomnia.) I have had these sharp, quick pains near my ovary area. A big pulling sensation near my pelvis when I move too quick or if I'm laying down and roll over or sit up. I have uncontrollable emotions. Today I went from yelling and screaming and slamming doors, to bawling my eyes out, to laughing my head off to passing out on the bed all in a matter of five minutes! Talk about a mad woman!!! POOR DH.... I have a craving for salt, and I HATE salty anything. I have hunger so bad that I can't get full then there are times where I am not hungry at all for many hours. My breasts hurt very bad when my nipples are erect...I can't even lay on my stomach when that happens. Some diarrhea. Crazy vivid dreams...even where I was wearing exactly what I was wearing when I fell asleep, and I went to the bathroom in my dream to POAS and everything was exactly right--which is never true in my dreams...rooms look different, places are different.. nope not this time. I can't keep one train of thought for long (I've been writing this for over 20 minutes...grrr) Life has been so hectic and busy that I didn't go get my progesterone level checked! YUCK. I had bleeding gums one night. Yesterday I was so crampy like AF was on her way..even my lower back was killing me.

I also know that a lot of these symptoms are caused by AF and Clomid, so of course it is all confusing...and I've started to symptom spot, which I had avoided most of this cycle. I, of course googled a possible due date.. OF COURSE.

Today was SIL's baby shower, I did not go. I feel it was best for me, especially since all of the emotions I've been feeling this week...I would have had an emotional break down :(

I feel like I'm in a depression. I went out today to get ready for a concert tomorrow night (my birthday gift from DH in May) and that was the first time I've been "out" in weeks. I am kind of "spacey." I hope this all passes, of course I'm praying and praying for a BFP. But, pray is all I can do.

July 22, 2011 Wishes all ex's lived in Texas---or FURTHER!

Looks like I am going to have to set this blog to private, which is unfortunate, because I left it unprivate specifically for all of the TTC women out there, but when my DH's ex wife stalked this blog, found out that I haven't told my inlaws yet, guess who ran their mouth to my inlaws? I wanted to wait until my SIL had her baby! I'm so angry and I've had enough of her bull, I've put up with so much crap. Why do ex's torture your happiness and purposefully try to cause problems? What is the point in that?

Just got off the phone with DH and FIL, my inlaws say they assumed we were trying since we got married, they understand why I wanted to wait to tell them and support us fully, they are also very upset with ex and her entire family. What makes matters worse is ex's grandma told my MIL to not tell us she told them. My MIL said there was no way in heck she wasn't going to tell us, she tells us everything they tell her, every lie...we always find out. It is getting soooo old. The funny part is the lies, that we were doing IVF? Maybe they should read the blog a little better. hahhaha FIL knew right away that wasn't true. Glad I got to cry, and get out my frustrations. I emailed ex's grandma, and asked her to stop and told her I'm at my wit's end with her and her family. I wish I could sit down with her and ask her why she and her family take the time to try to get into, cause problems, and start rumors with my DH and I??? Why they waste their time out of their own lives to bug ours???

DH just advised me to leave my blog unprivate, because he sees how I've benefited from reading other blogs and forums and knows just maybe my blog will help another woman ttc out there. So in the back of my head I'll always know that an ex takes their time out of their life to come and read MY blog, maybe I should be flattered that I'm that important???

July 19, 2011 Update

DH and I took a trip to Arizona from the 15th-18th to visit his birth mother and her family. It was his birth mother's husband's 65th birthday! It was sooooo nice to get away and have fun. I am glad we took the trip, but oh my gosh, 115 degree weather was torturous! We were happy to come home to our puppies who got spoiled by my friend, our house sitter. I had a nice conversation with his birth mom about ttc and got a lot of support from her, which meant a lot.

I still have had trouble talking to DH's mom (adoptive) about us being on treatments. I am afraid, for what? I have absolutely no clue. She is such a wonderful woman, very christian and supportive and loving. I love her to death. I just think that with her daughter being pregnant, I don't want to take away from that. Speaking of that----my sister in law's baby shower is this Sunday....I have NOT RSVP'd yet...I am in such conflict about this. I am so afraid to go and have a break down. I am happy for her, but I am just so sad that this isn't me and DH's shower. I hope through prayer and thoughts and words of advice that I make the right decision. I was there for the birth of SIL's first child, and was happy about that--3 years ago. It is all just more difficult now that we are trying so hard.

I had a long talk with DH tonight. We decided to try one or two more months of treatments then take a break. We both feel that we need more prayer, and thoughts, but want to take a break from the trying, stressing and documenting and just love on each other... and if we're not pregnant by our anniversary trip, we'd like to just go and not stress...and for God's sake I don't want to be a hormonal "B" on that special trip--especially because that trip includes attending my cousin's wedding in Oregon! We are ok with it, and have come to terms that we just might not be parents in the next year. We love each other so much, and are enjoying being puppy parents, and remodeling our first home, and planning a future, with our without a child this year. This road has sure been tough, draining, tearful, stressful but so worth it. I'm looking forward to trying still for the next two or so months, but also letting go for just a while has brought me peace. As DH always says "A love like our's will never grow old." We'll keep trying, fighting, and loving each other through it all.

DH once said to me---"Put your hand in mine, and we can do together what we could not do alone." Our marriage is this, and will only grow stronger.

I will always dream of our future child, and when he/she is ready to embrace the world and done serving in heaven--he/she will come from God's arms right into mine. I just know it.

July 13, 2011 cd 16 U/S

Went to my follicle ultrasound for this month today. Yet again, my doc says he thinks I already ovulated...so no measuring of follicles. He is still baffled by this "fluid" in my cervix. He says my uterus looks displaced. Ordered a full pelvic ultrasound to further check my uterus. He seemed a bit concerned about this mystery fluid. Great.. another thing I am going to be worrying about. Well, there is really nothing I can do about it until the 12th of next month--since that was the soonest they could get me in. Which makes no sense to me because isn't this the same time of month that I will need my follicle u/s??!! Go for my progesterone check on the 19th. I sure am sick of being poked at, prodded at, things shoved up inside me, pushing on me. It is exhausting, but I must remember the reason for it all.

DH still needs to get a sperm analysis...I know he isn't really looking forward to that, but I know he is willing to do what ever it takes.

Last night I had another mystery tummy ache... achy bones, passed out on my bed for hours, and was extremely nauseous. Kind of a flu-like feeling where all I could eat was saltines and 7up. I feel tired today but no tummy ache so far.

We are planning a quick weekend trip into Arizona this weekend to go see my DH's birth mother's husband for his birthday. Kind of a surprise trip for them... I'm excited about that except for the fact that I can't really walk on my own right now. I'm a little better on crutches, but it still seems like I'm a burden... takes so long to get me into the car, out of the car (that isn't going to be fun when I have to stop to use the bathroom on the 6 hour drive....)

Not too many symptoms, a couple twinges and lots of exhaustion....nausea here and there but that all seems to be normal and not even close to pg. symptoms. BD'd every other day on fertile days this month---so we shall see. I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be this easy---I'm pretty sure this isn't our month so it is not my main focus...just trying to stay positive, sane and NOT BITCHY to my poor DH. I feel like I've been dragging for weeks. Tired at all hours of the day on most days, every now and then I'll have some energy. WAKE UP GIRL!

July 8, 2011

So, as you can tell I took somewhat of a break from blogging and reading forums. I think it was a much needed break to gain back some of my sanity!

Our 4th of July was a ton of fun with friends and kids over and a big BBQ! Our entire block has a party and I swear our street's fireworks show was a mini version of Disneyland's show! It was so much fun and I think I didn't think about IF once that day. I had some sort of strange allergic reaction to something-maybe it was because I haven't been out in the sun in over a month or the Clomid?? That is what you see in the picture...

It was our first holiday celebration in our own home as a married couple and I am sooo looking forward to having more. I was actually ok with kids being here, and just had fun being around them...quite a change from before!

I finally got my cast off yesterday! Ordered a "walking boot" and will do some physical therapy to be able to fully walk on it again for the next six weeks. I am so happy to shave that leg and have that heavy hot thing off! The swelling and bruising is still pretty bad, but doc says that is the last thing to heal.

Obviously because AF showed up, I went on to another round of Clomid. My doc felt that keeping me at 50mg was good, but changed the days I take it from cd 5-9 to cd 3-7, so that is what I did this month. I honestly felt that I had far fewer symptoms than I did on cd 5-9. Thought that was pretty interesting.....

I've had the chance of talking to a couple of friends whom I had no idea were going through infertility struggles, but came to me after reading my blog...and I'm truly blessed to be able to have more support and lend my listening ear to them. I also have a friend of a friend in another state who is just beginning the IF journey and discussing ttc with her has helped me a lot! I received some "baby dust" in the mail and that is going under my pillow! (considering spreading it all over the bed, even though it will become very messy!!!!!)

I'm not symptom spotting, or paying much attention to anything this month. I still take my temps in the morning, though there have been a few mornings that I forget...I haven't shoved my finger "up there" to check on my cm at all....I look on the app on my phone so I know my fertile days but I don't approach bd'ing the same with DH... I kind of just make it fun and don't remind him that its about ttc... I think I've been a ton more relaxed this cycle so far. I don't feel like I'm competing with those who are pregnant right now, isn't it sick that I was in the first place?!!! Some how I've managed to be pretty happy this month! (A few minor break downs of course...)

I think I'm caught up now!