Living

It has been months....
Not much has changed. We are both working all of the time! We have my stepson most weekends. He keeps us super busy!

We are not currently medically ttc. We are saving money as our needed treatments will be super costly.
We don't try anymore. Whatever happens, happens--whenever we have time and energy. I've stopped obsessing and don't buy tests monthly anymore. I don't temp or track ovulation.

Our life is work, stepson, vacations, pets, house. For now I'm okay with that!

We are in a wonderful position if I were to miraculously fall pregnant, we would be so happy and financially, emotionally, and spiritually stable, we are just pretty sure its not going to miraculously happen!

God has a super great plan for me and He will never leave my side! I'm glad He leads my marriage, and my life.

Life is good.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Fertility Dreams.... 

Praying

“Shepherd of my soul, I praise You because You have created me and have a perfect plan for my life. I thank You for Your desire to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. You have started this good work in me and I ask that You will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Even though I don’t understand why I have to go through these fertility challenges, I believe that You are a God who’s in control. I rest in the fact You hold my future and You are working all things together for my good. Thank You. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Another year older.

My birthday was May 14. DH's was May 18. We had an amazing time in Palm Springs. His parents came along, and I helped coordinate his birth mother and her husband surprising him there! I never wanted to leave! We all agreed me must plan another trip soon.

Today I'm on Cycle Day 9 (yes, that means AF showed up on our vacation!)
This is another Clomid cycle. Took it cd 3-7 this time. DH is taking the Maca Root, and we plan to BD every other day starting today until cd 21. Let's hope our schedules permit!

Turning 29 was bitter-sweet. I sobbed on my birthday realizing this is the last year in my 20's and those years are never coming back. I realized a lot of goals were never met. I realized my body is no where near where I want it to be and most of my 20's were spent being FAT. This kicked me so hard--that I decided to cut out all breads and starches, all sweets, and get back to the gym after years of not going. My first night at the gym I cycled 11 miles uphill in 31 minutes. For me that's insane! I've been stuck at a weight plateau for well over 6 months now...gaining a couple, losing a couple...and I'm tired of it!

I hope this last year in my 20's brings tons of changes, and joy. I'm gonna ROCK my 30's!!!

Birth/Step Mother's Day

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the entire day with my husband and sweet stepson. We called it step mother's day and birth mother's day.

We started the morning super early with breakfast in our jammies at IHOP! Then we came home and packed up the car and spent the rest of the day at Mother's Beach which also has a playground. I had soooo much fun! After we left we drove around while the little man took a nap and wound up at a really neat store I've been wanting to go to. The boys picked out a new purse/backpack for me. I love it :) We then came home and had to send the lil man home so he could be with his momma for Mother's Day.
Then I curled my hair and DH took me out to an AMAZING Greek restaurant (he sure knows me well!) and then we spent the rest of the night walking around DOWNTOWN DISNEY!!!

I'm grateful I was able to celebrate yesterday with the boys, I'm trying my darnedest to keep my chin up today. My heavenly father comforts me in ways that get me through.

I'm praying for each of us still trying for miracles, those with mothers in heaven, those with angel babies up above. May you all find peace, joy, and love today.

Here's a recap of yesterday!

Breakfast!
Mother's Beach
appetizers at dinner
my gifts!


On a separate note:

I'm on cycle day 26-- nothing terribly unique about this cycle. Moods are kind of up and down more often. Slightly more gassy. I've learned over the years to not get so hopeful....so I will probably wait to test till after my vacation next weekend! (My birthday is in two days and hubby's is in six days so we are running away to Palm Springs for the weekend with his parents! SOOOO excited!)

Quick update:

• AF showed up 9 days late...she had been so good to me--not sure what changed???

• She's come and gone. 

• Canceled my clomid order and ordered iodine supplements and maca root supplements instead...should be here tomorrow! 
• Going to try natural supplements until meeting my new fertility specialist since I'm on a new insurance plan.

• Joined the gym! DH is my gym partner :)

• Working like crazy. CRAZY!!!

• Had 2 teeth pulled in 2 separate dental emergencies :/

That is all I can think of for now!

Going with the flow

Or should I say NOT going with the flow? AF is 6 days late...She's been so good to me for several months---on time, not too painful or heavy....Well, now she is playing games--again.

NO, I DO NOT THINK I AM PREGNANT. About 9 years of trying and failing---and a bazillion LATE periods, I'm pretty sure it is not pregnancy. Just waiting for her to start--so we can really start ttc again!!!

not much new to report other than a beautiful new dining room table set!


I'll check back in and update on my late AF later on this week.

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

It's been quite a while....

Since I've posted anything! Around 3 months!

I am super happy to say that I've been at my job past the 90 day probation period and I was able to go into corporate yesterday and fill out my benefits package! Brand new health insurance, life insurance and retirement plan. I'm so excited!

We also bought a brand new car last month are are absolutely in love with it!


~Other than working full time, a bout of the flu, losing a few more pounds, a dental emergency, a trip to Arizona, the new car, and having my dear step son on weekends--- nothing really new has happened. We are still on a TTC break as of right now. Just enjoying life as we know it!

~DH and I discussed and we want to start TTC again in the next few months. We know it will be a long process, hard to endure, but we both feel we have only become stronger. We are in an even better position financially than before, I will have better medical coverage, and spiritually we both feel much stronger in our faith. We have given our infertility over to God, and we know he has a plan for us!

~I'll hop on more often and post a bit more as we prepare to start TTC again!

~I have re-started all of my vitamins and started the Paleo dieting again as of 3 days ago.
I have ordered clomid and begun jogging more often.

~Not only are we ttc, but we are going to hopefully get fit in the process!

More good news!

This week was wonderful and stressful all at the same time!

Of course I started my new job which has been amazing and EXHAUSTING...but also on Thursday, we were given the wonderful gift of full weekend custody of my husband's son. This was just amazing news to us! So all in one week I went from a stay at home wife with no real schedule to a full time employee M-F and a full time mommy on the weekends! Let's just say I've never been so tired before 8pm in my life!

Friday night was DS's first time sleeping in our home and it was such a neat experience! (he has been staying nights at DH's mother's house when in town but spending the day time with us) We picked him up and ran straight to the store. We bought new sheets for his bed, new pj's, toothbrush, stuffed animal to sleep with, toys, movies, etc. It was so exciting and amazing. After we bathed him and put him to bed, DH and I stood there watching him sleep and DH had tears running down his face. I am so in love with him. He feels so blessed and happy. It feels so wonderful being even just "weekend FULL TIME parents." We are getting in the groove and am sure we will have this down pat very soon. I've created a chore/behavior chart that DS seems very excited to start! (he has autism spectrum disorder) He's been so good and enjoyable to be around!

Watching DH put his child to bed, or bathing him together, and having a six year old crawl into bed with us early in the morning feels joyful, and amazing. I know when we get back into TTC and if, we ever are successful: DH and I will be ready. He is such an amazing parent. We make a great team!!!! 

I'm sill in awe and amazed at how quickly life has changed and how wonderful it is. I had a long, hard, sad upbringing and early adult life. This surely is heaven on earth! I cannot wait until the day we are ready to try to add to our family. I am so excited for the future, and I'm definitely FULL OF HOPE!!!

Life as I know it...

Has changed!

Literally two hours after that last blog post, I got an email!

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I had spent hours, days, weeks stressing-wondering then I got offered an interview--- then a 3 hour long interview--with 4 interviewers, tons of paperwork and a bunch of questions!

MORE WAITING...

I was then told a few days later that I was chosen for the position! I then had to run around and get my fingerprint background check completed, TB test completed, DMV record turned in, Health Screening completed, School records turned in...it was so stressful the first day I heard I needed to do all of this just to GET the job. I curled under the blankets and cried. My mother in law called me and talked me out from under the blankets and reminded me how wonderful and strong I was. I said a long prayer and off I was. It literally all fell into place after that. Everything came so easy and  worked out so perfectly, I just know this is meant to be. God guided me and carried me, and heard my frustrations. He knows the old me--when road blocks hit, I would shut down. He opened the road nice a wide and I cruised through the week and I was blessed beyond measure!

Today was my first day. I thought I'd never be in this field of work again and that I would surely do something else for a career----SOMEDAY. I had NO intentions of going back, but God prompted me to email my old boss one day and BAM! Here I am!

I work as a full time and on-call 24/7 Substance Abuse Counselor for the deaf and hard of hearing at a rehab a couple of cities away. I had a long and wonderful first day and am very excited for the future. We now have an EXTRA income (we were quite comfortable with only one) and I feel purposeful again! Also the job comes with wonderful benefits that will be VERY useful when we decide to TTC again! I'm excited to set up my office and make it my own. I'm excited to be out making a difference in the world. I'm excited to save up for a new car and for our trip to Hawaii next year! I'm just plain 'ol EXCITED!

 Literally 2 months exactly after I had my "aha moment" (as Oprah as added to the dictionary!) and I got rid of toxic people and bad thinking---my life is completely different! God has a plan, and when I fully turned my life and situations over to him: my life became more wonderful than it has EVER been.

Yes, 2013 will be MY YEAR!

2013

A true meaning to fresh starts, and New Year's Resolutions...


Nothing extremely new/exciting has really happened...but my soul has dramatically changed especially in the past few weeks.

Christmas was gorgeously wonderful. It was an amazing time spent with DH and his family. Gifts were plentiful and amazing, but most of all being surrounded by peace and love was heaven on earth for me.

New Years DH and I went to a friend of mine's house and rang in the new year with confetti, toasts and hours of laughter. We didn't get home until almost 3am!

As I have spoken of before: I've been "weeding" through my 'friends' and people in my life...
I'm not so sure why I hung on to toxic people and situations for so very long other than maybe I've always had a hard time being alone. Because of our pasts, DH and I are very often judged. We don't have normalcy like most married couples. I don't have parents...or any immediate family really. I often get VERY depressed over that. DH has a huge loving, forgiving, accepting, and Christian family.

Our love for each other has become stronger than ever. We have sat and talked seriously about the hurdles we will face in the future, ways to grow, the depths of our love for each other, and how we feel we were hand crafted especially for each other by our Creator. If we had not gone through our own hell, our darkest days--we really would have not crossed paths and our souls would still be lost.

I have found the man of my dreams. He is not perfect, he's not 6' tall and bulging with muscles: he has a few stretch marks and really enjoys ice cream, he comes with pain and struggles--but he is my soul mate. He has carried me, saved me, loved me, guided me, protected me and taught me so much. He is patient, kind, sweet, hilarious and smart. We surely did struggle for the first two years of our marriage and didn't have a true grasp on reality. We didn't have the stability and knowledge--and most of all we often times forgot Christ in our marriage and home. This was key to a new beginning, falling deeper in love than ever imaginable and such quiet peace in our lives.

Last night we were at a wonderful restaurant enjoying a date night, and words just started flowing. For the next two hours it seemed as though we were the only two in the dining hall. We held hands across the table and talked about our love, our marriage, our past, our goals, and even talked about things that haven't ever been talked about in the five years I've known him. Its as though we fell in love all over again. As though we unlocked the key to our future together. I really woke up and realized the gifts I'm blessed with. The opportunity to face struggles and learn from them. The value of love for another human being who comes with flaws and faults. The privilege of infertility. Yes, I said privilege.

Infertility has opened new doors in my life some women and married couples never get to open and walk through. It has given me the opportunity to grab my husband and sob into his chest over losses and failures. It has helped me learn so much about my body and how I should take care of it. It has given me the perspective of just how precious children are and what a gracious gift from God it can be to bring new life into the world. I have looked at pregnant bellies like I have never before in my life. I can walk by the baby department, grab a onsie off the rack and gently cradle it next to my chest and dream beautiful dreams. I have fallen to my knees and called out to my God like never before. I have met women just like me. I have gained patience and strength that I've never had before. I have seen my husband weep and pour out emotions that I never knew men had. I have looked into children's eyes and heard soulful song from their souls that I never paid attention to before. I have gained the knowledge that there is a plan for me and a reason for my struggles, and that my God will never leave my side. Infertility has blessed me beyond measure.

This is a new beginning, a new year, another journey. Together DH and I have made couple's resolutions and each made personal resolutions and will go through many changes I'm sure- but most of all we will be together, hand in hand, forever.