August 15, 2011 Nostalgic Sunset

Yesterday evening while driving home from the garden store with DH, I stared off into the sunset. Dreaming of it's beauty in front of me, it made me think of my childhood.

I often remember the sunset being a sad time for me, I still can't fully comprehend why. As the night would draw to a close, I often felt empty, lonely, sad, and wished it was still light outside.

Yesterday was different though. As I sat in the car listening to oldies, holding my husband's hand--- I was grateful. I was grateful that I was enjoying that sunset with someone who has stood by me through some of my roughest days and loved me through some ugly times, happy to be ending my day with him. I peeked out of the corner of my eye at him and he had a small grin on his face as he was driving towards our home. I wondered what he was thinking? I often wonder what he is thinking. Especially recently, during this TTC journey. He opens up every now and then, but I often think he feels he needs to be the strong one when we get another BFN. I told him its okay if he's sad too. He will often say he's not sad, he's still hopeful. I love him dearly.

I've been editing some pictures for fun, and I'm going to add one I made from one of our engagement shots.

Thinking about pregnancy and ttc a lot today while doing housework. Not sad, just thinking... Not seeing enough BFP's on the ttc forums and blogs lately...but seeing a lot elsewhere. I sure hope that my IF sisters out there in the world receive blessings...I know how it feels to want something so bad, and I wish this upon no one. I pray for us all constantly.

A special "shoutout" to Browning2222, one of my biggest supporters. Thank you for all of your kind words, and gentle encouragement. I hope I do the same for you, and I hope I can be of support to as many women out there going through infertility as possible.

August 12, 2011 Pelvic exam U/S

Dragged out of bed today...DH had the day off so we both dragged out of bed, hopped in the shower. I put a pretty flower dress on, because don't you have to look pretty to be exposed and have a wand shoved up you? Plus, wearing a dress is SO MUCH easier when getting a double u/s... keeping my bladder full of water was the most uncomfortable part.

We got there a couple minutes late so my technician had taken another patient in. We waited a few minutes in the waiting room...Then the technician walked out-- When she called my name she seemed so sweet....walked me back to the room and we began to chat while I hopped up on the table. She says "your chart says you have had two c-sections but you are on fertility treatments??" Yup, I told her my story... and she told me hers. She's a Clomid success story! She was the sweetest lady that I have met at a doctor's office. I felt so comfortable and at ease. It has always been painful to get u/s and she told me it was from the c-section scar tissue. Understandable.

We checked my follicles while at this U/S too. (RE ordered this exam because he's worried about the fluid in my cervix that does not go away, and wanted to check my uterus) Technician said looks like I ovulated already from my right ovary. Which is good that I ovulated, but upsetting that it is happening so soon. Maybe that is one of my issues? I'm ovulating now way too soon? Does that even cause issues? Google time.

Also, she (technician) has a great theory... maybe, just maybe this "mysterious fluid" in my cervix is causing DH's little swimmers to not be able to go up to where they need to??? When I explained that to DH he says "you mean like a wall that they are slamming into?" Yes, honey. Like a wall that is keeping them from going where they need to. Technician suggested to talk to RE about a possible small outpatient procedure to clear out my cervix? I think I'll bring that up to RE when I go back! Also my uterus is tilted back. Figured that much already.

So, rundown:

Ovulated this cycle looks like from Miss "Right" Ovary, but possibly ovulating too early???

Mysterious fluid in cervix still present--possibly causing swimmers to not reach my egg?

Uterus tilted back.

Will hear more when RE checks the results.

Technician told me she used Robitussin and the "instead cup" and got pregnant on cycle 2 of Clomid 50mg each time. (First time with tripletts, who sadly passed away and a singleton the second time who's name is Gracie-aww)

I think I'll use these next cycle (I hope there isn't a next cycle, and we are successful this time!) She says as I walk out "Hope next time I see you, there is a baby in there" with a huge smile on her face. Me too, me too...

Someone who knew exactly how I felt and knew how badly I wanted a baby, made me feel at ease, shared her success, and supported me. I couldn't have asked for a nicer experience during an uncomfortable doctor's visit. I've been smiling since.

Thank you God for this little blessing you sent today.

August 11, 2011 Yoga mind

For the first time in weeks, my house is completely silent, except for the fan whirling in the bedroom and the clack clack of these keys and a few birds chirping around my bay window.

Wow. I feel completely weightless right now. Kind of letting my mind wander wherever it wants to go. I keep imagining little onesies and a nursery. That is where my mind goes. I wonder if that means it isn't too far from reach for me? Strollers, binky's, diapers, and bibs. I'm at peace with letting myself think about it for the moment. I don't want to push that happy thought out this time. I kind of like feeling that way for a moment in time, be it true or not. I think allowing ourselves as women to live that dream in our heads every now and then can be therapeutic if you do it in small increments. Some days I'm too sad to allow those thoughts to flow through me, but today, I'm feeling pretty free.

Dang Trash Man, your loud truck just interrupted my daydream!

I know in the next few months I will be surrounded by babies, and pictures, and updates. I need to brace myself for that road. I don't want to lose friends or become distant with family because of my sadness, and hurt due to failure. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...and grant me the serenity to accept the fact that it is not me just yet, but to be able to enjoy your little blessings/angels all around me.

Finally able to do yoga again. I only like doing it when I'm alone and can completely feel peace...and now that I have no cast on, it is much simpler. They have poses for fertility--just learned that. I recommend Yoga to all you ladies, even if just for when those days of dread appear. It does not solve anything, does not cure anything, can't lose weight fast from it... but it brings me to my core, my soul, and allows for a few moments of peace, which I know we all need.

Huggs to all of my IF sisters.

August 9, 2011 Spoke too soon??

Today was just the complete opposite of yesterday.

Total switch around :(

Heavy heart, depression, anger, HORMONAL! I've been snappy, angry and in pain. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock and go to yesterday where I felt so free. Why must these meds cause such ups and downs? Nothing in between. BB's hurt like heck, crazy hot flashes, crying, yelling, sleepy. Why did I even make yesterday look so good, now I'm even angrier that it left so fast!

Why is it that we have to have all of these side effects but yet be under NO stress? It makes no sense at all, and does not help for bd'ing when we should.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I wish I was "normal" and can just make love and create a precious child. Why me?!

August 8, 2011 who am I?!

Just who is this person I've been this past week? Smiling, laughing, getting out of the house, talking to friends, going on dates with DH??????

Don't get me wrong, I feel great about it--I'm just confused as to what happened. Where did this peace come from? I feel so blessed to have this peace of mind lately, I sure hope I don't jinx myself. DH and I got to go to the state fair last night with one of my gf's and MIL, FIL, and stepson! It was like back in the dating years SO MUCH FUN! Stepson went with DH to a booth, picked out a bracelet and said can I buy this for momma Amy? I was in shock! He came over placed it in my hand and gave me the biggest kiss... he was so sweet. Wanted to be in my lap, giving me big hugs and singing songs...it was the greatest feeling. I sure wish we saw him more, but I treasure the time we do get with him. Went and bought him some school clothes today, don't know if his mom will give them to him but it felt great getting them and we chatted about what it would be like to one day be buying our own child clothes and sending them off to school!

I finished my Clomid...no side effects this time! Crazy! Grateful!

I've had a lot of CM for two days now, I was telling DH maybe I ovulate earlier than I thought due to seeing this discharge and having sharp, sharp pains?? Maybe every time I get my follicle scan, my RE tells me I've already ovulated (he says a day or two before) but I'm thinking quite possibly 5 or 6 days before he thinks?? Could this even be possible? I guess I need to do some more research on that. I feel good about this month (so far) and I like to say "third time's a charm!" But even if it doesn't happen, as for right now, I'm okay with that. I just wish I could speed up time and get through O time and 2ww faster. But what ttc woman doesn't right????

August 2, 2011 Quick update:

Figured I would take a few minutes to update since my last VERY DEPRESSING blog.

I guess I really needed a day to just vomit every bit of depression, sadness, frustration and anger...because I woke up the next day soooo refreshed. It was freaky! I actually went to an amusement park with my DH, MIL and stepson! I got to sit and talk to MIL while stepson and DH went on all of the kiddie rides. Oh, I spewed my depression and she just listened and supported me! It felt soooooo good. I was totally surprised that I even got out of the house that day! And I've been out every day since (except today, I actually feel exhausted and went back to sleep after lunch and just now woke up.) Had our God children over and they'll be over to stay the night again tomorrow...

I am very perplexed though, because AF was only 3 days long. Never, ever in my life have I had a short period. Not once. The shortest it has ever been is six days and sometimes lasted up to 8 weeks and sometimes didn't show up for months!!! But, never has it come and then gone in 3 days. Nuts!

It was kind of heavy, with clots (TMI sorry...) but then was done just as fast as it showed up. Some say oh, it could be pregnancy!!! And I say naw, maybe the Clomid is just making my period the way it should have been all these years? I was sure glad to only have AF stay for 3 days though!

Starting the Clomid again today (have that thought deeeep in the back of my head saying, don't take it, what if you are pregnant?!) So to ease my mind, I'm going to send DH to the drug store to pick up a test and the Clomid at the same time....I'll test, if negative--which it will be--I'll feel better about taking my Clomid.

I wanted to take the time to thank my readers for such amazing support. I still can't believe that perfect strangers can be so encouraging, supportive and pray for you. I hope I lend as much support to those of you going through IF as well. I am very blessed, and very lucky to have each of you. I'm not sure I can get through those really rough times without hearing that "ding" on my phone, looking at it and realizing I have an email from one of you commenting so kindly on my blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, that is all for now.