August 30, 2011 Changes

After a long, heart-felt talk with my DH, we decided this morning to take a small break. We're not going to chart, we're not going to have scheduled bd'ing days. I'm not going to obsess over medications, and soreness, and headaches and cravings. I made a phone call to my RE a few minutes ago to leave a message with him that we are deciding to take a short break from treatments and if I could come in and talk to him about the "mystery fluid" in my cervix and talk about maybe treating that. I'm waiting to hear back from him, he has today off.

We feel good about this decision. The hardest part is seeing so many pregnancies happen around us. We're going to stick together, be strong, get through it... and just relax. We hope to start trying again with treatments in a few months. I want to see if I cycle on my own without the Clomid as well. I'm so grateful to have a husband whom I can sit down with and make such huge decisions with, and help each other get through so very rough patches in life.

My personal main focus is going to be on weight loss. I really hope to succeed in this and keep it up. This past week I've successfully lost 7 pounds, and would eventually like to lose 83 more. I'm going to take small steps, but I'm doing a low carb diet and as much activity as my ankle will allow. I'm encouraging DH to join me on the journey to become more healthy and feel better physically. He wants to eventually lose about 30 lbs, and just be more fit for his type of work. Hoping to join the gym again and that will be another bonding thing for us... we used to, a few years ago, go together and workout together and it was just a lot of fun! I'm so fortunate to have my best friend as my husband.

I still struggle with sadness, so I want to work on that. For example, the other day I found out a person I know is having a girl. This person (opinions ahead) in my opinion, isn't ready for a baby. This person isn't married, doesn't work, doesn't have a stable living environment, is not a very mature person, and all she wanted was to get pregnant and have a girl. (My dream too! although any gender would be wonderful and a gift from God.) Well, she got what she wanted. I was so sad for a moment, and confided in DH and a couple friends and just worked my way through that feeling. Again, I don't understand God's plan, even women on the streets on drugs and doing wrong get pregnant. So I think that is something I need to work on, to feel better about and to let go of. It isn't so much jealousy as it is envy. I envy pregnant women because I want a family here in our home, and to give my DH a child. So, along with my weight loss these are some emotions I am going to work on. I'm also thinking about going back to school, so MIL and I are looking into schools and courses....it's nice to have her support and she understands my opinions and feels the same way. I know she's not my mother, but she's so much better.

I, of course, will still be blogging through this all, and may occasionally talk about ttc, because the emotions may come up.

Time for some changes =)

P.S. I'm still loving carrots and milk!

August 29, 2011 notes from my heart....

Ok, so I know most of you are waiting on an update, well... AF showed up a day early =(

It was such a cruel awakening. I had actually had three FALSE -possibly positives, which has never happened, but I guess I got a bad batch of cheapies. Stupid me showed them to DH, we were not going to get our hopes up, but you could tell we both were pretty excited on the inside. When I say possibly-positives, they did not show up positive in 3-5 minutes...it was later. I had a feeling, and I prayed more, and I THOUGHT I KNEW. When AF showed her ugly face, I bawled my eyes out. Curled up in a ball, rocked myself on the bed and DH sat next to me and let me cry. I continued to cry for two hours (it was 2am already). I dove into the monthly deep depression pretty quick.

I did not leave my bedroom all day on Sunday. I did not eat all day. I told DH I think its time for a divorce. I was convinced he deserved better than me. He needed to move on and find someone he could start a family with. He was very upset and left to golf with his dad and talk with his dad. That upset me even more, and made me feel like he wasn't going to fight to keep me, then I should go. So MIL called me and asked me to come over for some tea and to talk. I did.... powdered my nose, grabbed my keys, and ran out the door. I got there and immediately started crying. Telling her I wasn't good enough, I didn't feel like a good wife, AF showed up, and so I failed again. She told me her infertility story again....(DH is adopted) and how she was also hit with depression every month that AF showed up...for TEN YEARS. We discussed if it was really time to try. I don't know anymore. Should we take a break and just focus on our marriage, love and happiness...and enjoy a few more years together? MIL thought that might help. I kind of agreed, but also felt that I want a child with DH soon. I did realize one thing:

I want a child almost like an obsession. It is so deep in me, that I have forgotten what is going on around me. I have delved myself so far into ttc that my relationship with DH has become distant, I've allowed myself to shut down from the real world and become saddened so much. I also realize this may somewhat, somehow, maybe, stem from my childhood and lack thereof of a mother figure. MIL and FIL took us out for a late dinner and we confronted the sadness head on. We understand their point of view, wanting us so badly to feel in love and focus on our marriage for a while. We understand their protecting love for us. And we are so grateful for their concern and advice!

This morning as DH's alarm was going off at 5am and he was getting dressed-My father called me. What a shocker?! I answered and heard such compassion on the other line. I was floored. He, himself, is dealing with a lot in his life right now. But he heard that I was told some not so nice things from my eldest brother (his eldest son) about ttc yesterday. He wanted to make sure I was ok, wasn't deep in depression and wanted to encourage me. He told me he doesn't want me to stop trying. Maybe keep up with the medicine because, in his words, "it will help regulate my cycle, and that is what my body needs since it won't do it on it's own." I was amazed. He thinks the world of DH and I. He knows our pasts, and thinks it would be amazing to add to our family. He wants to support me in whatever choices I make. He doesn't want others to influence what DH and I set out to do. I couldn't help but feel so loved. This is my birth father who was absent from my life for over 13 years. I grew up thinking the WORST of him, but now I think the world of him even through his mistakes and struggles too. I felt so alone in my struggles, and now I don't feel that way as much. Oh, how I wish he didn't live thousands of miles away in another state. How I wish I could get a hug as needed. I sure do love the phone calls though.

I'm still at a loss on exactly what to do. I would love feedback from you, my readers.

I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow.

Should I continue with the Clomid, and just keep going?

OR should I take a break, focus on my marriage alone, plan more vacations, and build more solid ground for our future family? I am ready for a family. DH says he's ready too. But is it a desire so deep within us that we feel like we MUST? I would turn my focus on to DH and weight loss galore if I stopped the Clomid right now.

Ultimately, the decision is ours. I want feedback from my ttc sisters though, because you each know the ups, downs, struggles and emotions that come along with TTC.

August 25, 2011 CD 28 "milk and carrots"

Well, nothing hugely exciting.

Yesterday was very sad. I have been following the story of a little boy battling brain cancer for a year and a half, and he lost his battle yesterday morning at 4 years old. I felt so much pain inside yesterday. I sometimes just don't understand HIS plan.

Oh, today is the 47th birthday of the woman who gave birth to me...the woman who I used to call my "mommy." I don't miss her much anymore, still think about her, especially on holidays and her birthday. But, I don't crave for her, wish I had her to support me, and try to make her proud and do what she says anymore. I haven't heard her voice in over two years, and I'm fine with that. She lives somewhere around 30-45 minutes away from me, and I don't desire much from her. I'm okay with not having a mom if its got to be her and the way she treated me, and told me she wished she would have given me away, made me feel, and took my two angels to give them away. That is NOT a mother. I don't know if in my head I want to wish her a Happy Birthday or not...

Anywho, back to the TTC-ness!

So, bbs have still been hurting daily on the sides, and I mean a lot. It kind of wears off in the mornings/afternoons then is back in full force in the evenings, and at night. Every time it wears off, I think "oh! I'm out." I drive myself nuts and poke at them and push on them to make sure they are still somewhat hurting. Oh, the things we go through!

Milk. Let's talk about milk. COW'S milk:

So, I've always pretty much hated milk. I'll tolerate it with stuff, like cereal, oatmeal and other things. Well, not for the past three days. I have gone through two gallons of milk. I pour some into my sippy water bottle and sip on it ALL DAY LONG. Carrots are another thing. I usually don't go out of my way to eat carrots, if they are there, I might have some. But I don't LOVE them. Well, for the past three days you can see a water bottle full of milk in one hand and a bag of baby carrots in the other. HOW STRANGE IS THAT? Certain things smell and taste spoiled. It was so gross, I went to get some lunch meat, and took a bite--and immediately wanted to puke. It tasted like it was moldy, rotten and so gross. I had to spit it out and wash out my mouth (with milk of course.) I even can't stand the smell of the milk carton. I keep having to taste it because I think it's all of the sudden gone rotten. Nope... just some strange smell. I'm still super sleepy during the day and kind of insomnia-ridden at night. I've had several dreams where I POAS and its a BFP, but whenever I go to show someone it breaks, or the lines fall off the stick (strraannggeeee...) So I spend the rest of the dream trying to obtain another test to show them that YES, I'm pregnant... but always wake up before I get to that point. I've had overwhelming guilt when I rest my laptop near my tummy and imagine a little baby kicking it away. THAT ONE MAKES ME SEEM NUTTY! I feel "different" when I lay on my tummy at night. A friend of mine who has been living with us for a few weeks now says she's having strange cravings, she thinks it might be me or someone at her work.

(side note) I've used up all my HPT's here.. BFN's of course... I think the latest one was three or four days ago. So I'm on CD 28 of my 31 day cycle... I'm going to probably buy more, but keep testing until AF shows, or doesn't show!

So, I know in my heart that I very well may get a BFN this cycle, but I want to document these feelings, symptoms, and experiences. I know it might all be in my head. I know it might all be ridiculous---but I want to remember each and every step of this journey. I never want to forget the highs, lows, scares, and excitement. This journey is MINE for a reason. God has a plan for us!

Thank you Heavenly Father for allowing me to share my experiences, and emotions. Thank you for giving ME the opportunity to live in a generation where it is more possible to reach out to others struggling just like me. Thank you for putting them in my life. Thank you for reminding me just how strong I am.

Please give little Vince a hug from all of us down here who's lives he had touched in his short 4 years down here. Please be with his family during this difficult time. I may never understand YOUR plan, but I trust you and thank you for my life.

August 21, 2011 Bitter Sweet, babies....

Yesterday we found out late in the afternoon that my SIL had actually had her baby that day at 3:20 that morning. Today we were able to go to the hospital and meet our nephew. Unfortunately he was very fussy (circumcision today) and we only stayed about ten minutes. I brought gifts, and got to talk to SIL. Only in labor for less than three hours! WOW. Little Luke was 7 lbs 12 oz I believe. Didn't get to hold him, but got a good peek at him. I also found out my cousin had her son the day before. And on the 12th, a friend of mine had her son.

Baby flood has begun!

SIGH....

I was okay at the hospital visiting my nephew Luke. I had major butterflies in my tummy, not sure why---but I think I knew it would be hard. The moment we walked up to the Mother and Baby floor, there was a tour going on... talk about 30 pregnant women and their husbands all in a row. Then seeing all the babies.. and seeing how my SIL seemed so happy. I kept looking at DH. I hope and pray that that will be us one day. We took a long drive down the coast after that....about an hour. The same drive we used to do when we were dating. Just love songs blasting....and watching the ocean as we drive. I wanted to cry! But, I held it in and kinda stayed quiet the rest of the way. I didn't want to upset him. We have a new nephew here, and that is a blessing in itself. And he is just gorgeous, and precious and I can't wait to hold him.

Thank you God, for sending all these handsome little sons to these mothers and fathers. I know you have something in store for us. I pray for peace, guidance, and understanding.

Baby dust to us all.

August 19, 2011 Progesterone Results

I pick up my phone, dial RE's office--ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ........ finally someone answers! So I tell them my DOB, name, blah blah ask for my lab results. "Miss, what is progesterone." are you serious? anyways.. moving on "um Mom, I mean ma'm, that is a special test, and results won't be in until next week. It says its still in process." "excuse me, no I get the results the next day every month, its a simple test." "Ma'm, no its a special test and I'd wait a few days and call back." "ok, so I'll call back in a few hours." And I hung up! I was so frustrated. Why do they put people on the phones in doctor's offices that don't know a darn thing about anything? At least make them study medical terminology for Christ's sake!!!

Well, while I was on a long phone conversation with my daddy in Texas, I got a call back. This time it was a nurse. I guess the results came in, of course they did!!! Same message from the nurse as each month "Hi, Dr. K wanted me to let you know that your progesterone results indicated that you DID ovulate this month, and to start Clomid this time on CD 3-7, and get DH to get a S/A asap." "Thanks, can you pull up my lab results on your system? I'd like to know the number on the progesterone level" wait... wait...

22.5!!!!

I ovulated good this time! I was so relieved. I've of course been googling that number, it's not extremely high, but it's definitely well above 10. That made my afternoon much better than the frustration I was feeling this morning, and gave me some hope.

BBs don't hurt as bad today, still kind of tired... and pretty hungry. Scratchy throat this morning that went away in a few hours...going to the bathroom several times an hour...

It all sounds like pregnancy, doesn't it? hahahaha, if only everything else didn't mimic pregnancy. I'm going to wait to test till I'm late. I have to wait this time! I can't keep looking at those BFNs! (knowing me I won't hold out that long...sigh.)

August 18, 2011 Progesterone Draw

Today was my CD21 Progesterone draw. Will have those results tomorrow, so I'm praying for a good number indicating ovulation! They are getting better at getting it right the first time, so I was only poked once today! I was so happy to get behind the wheel again! It was nice, even though the lab is only about six minutes away, it was good to feel that free again.

As far as symptoms go, bbs have been pretty painful on and off, and on the sides this time and nips too when they are hard. VERY fatigued. Slept for two hours yesterday afternoon, and went to bed early which is unheard of for me on a normal basis. Very weepy, crying over anything! Smells are a little stronger...major hunger pangs yesterday.

Not getting my hopes up though, because these have happened before, except the bbs hurting on the sides. I pass it off as the Clomid. I have noooo clue why but, I took a test yesterday... how silly of me? I just randomly thought of it and ran to the bathroom. Of course, naturally it was a BFN... waaay too soon to test anyways.

Well, today my SIL is due, so we will see if baby Luke comes on time or not....preparing myself for that mentally. I just need to remember that its another one of God's blessings, and that I am an auntie again, and to be grateful for that. I need to push the selfish emotions aside and love this innocent baby that is about to be here!

Prayers for us all, for good news to come our way!