Well, nothing hugely exciting.
Yesterday was very sad. I have been following the story of a little boy battling brain cancer for a year and a half, and he lost his battle yesterday morning at 4 years old. I felt so much pain inside yesterday. I sometimes just don't understand HIS plan.
Oh, today is the 47th birthday of the woman who gave birth to me...the woman who I used to call my "mommy." I don't miss her much anymore, still think about her, especially on holidays and her birthday. But, I don't crave for her, wish I had her to support me, and try to make her proud and do what she says anymore. I haven't heard her voice in over two years, and I'm fine with that. She lives somewhere around 30-45 minutes away from me, and I don't desire much from her. I'm okay with not having a mom if its got to be her and the way she treated me, and told me she wished she would have given me away, made me feel, and took my two angels to give them away. That is NOT a mother. I don't know if in my head I want to wish her a Happy Birthday or not...
Anywho, back to the TTC-ness!
So, bbs have still been hurting daily on the sides, and I mean a lot. It kind of wears off in the mornings/afternoons then is back in full force in the evenings, and at night. Every time it wears off, I think "oh! I'm out." I drive myself nuts and poke at them and push on them to make sure they are still somewhat hurting. Oh, the things we go through!
Milk. Let's talk about milk. COW'S milk:
So, I've always pretty much hated milk. I'll tolerate it with stuff, like cereal, oatmeal and other things. Well, not for the past three days. I have gone through two gallons of milk. I pour some into my sippy water bottle and sip on it ALL DAY LONG. Carrots are another thing. I usually don't go out of my way to eat carrots, if they are there, I might have some. But I don't LOVE them. Well, for the past three days you can see a water bottle full of milk in one hand and a bag of baby carrots in the other. HOW STRANGE IS THAT? Certain things smell and taste spoiled. It was so gross, I went to get some lunch meat, and took a bite--and immediately wanted to puke. It tasted like it was moldy, rotten and so gross. I had to spit it out and wash out my mouth (with milk of course.) I even can't stand the smell of the milk carton. I keep having to taste it because I think it's all of the sudden gone rotten. Nope... just some strange smell. I'm still super sleepy during the day and kind of insomnia-ridden at night. I've had several dreams where I POAS and its a BFP, but whenever I go to show someone it breaks, or the lines fall off the stick (strraannggeeee...) So I spend the rest of the dream trying to obtain another test to show them that YES, I'm pregnant... but always wake up before I get to that point. I've had overwhelming guilt when I rest my laptop near my tummy and imagine a little baby kicking it away. THAT ONE MAKES ME SEEM NUTTY! I feel "different" when I lay on my tummy at night. A friend of mine who has been living with us for a few weeks now says she's having strange cravings, she thinks it might be me or someone at her work.
(side note) I've used up all my HPT's here.. BFN's of course... I think the latest one was three or four days ago. So I'm on CD 28 of my 31 day cycle... I'm going to probably buy more, but keep testing until AF shows, or doesn't show!
So, I know in my heart that I very well may get a BFN this cycle, but I want to document these feelings, symptoms, and experiences. I know it might all be in my head. I know it might all be ridiculous---but I want to remember each and every step of this journey. I never want to forget the highs, lows, scares, and excitement. This journey is MINE for a reason. God has a plan for us!
Thank you Heavenly Father for allowing me to share my experiences, and emotions. Thank you for giving ME the opportunity to live in a generation where it is more possible to reach out to others struggling just like me. Thank you for putting them in my life. Thank you for reminding me just how strong I am.
Please give little Vince a hug from all of us down here who's lives he had touched in his short 4 years down here. Please be with his family during this difficult time. I may never understand YOUR plan, but I trust you and thank you for my life.