August 29, 2011 notes from my heart....

Ok, so I know most of you are waiting on an update, well... AF showed up a day early =(

It was such a cruel awakening. I had actually had three FALSE -possibly positives, which has never happened, but I guess I got a bad batch of cheapies. Stupid me showed them to DH, we were not going to get our hopes up, but you could tell we both were pretty excited on the inside. When I say possibly-positives, they did not show up positive in 3-5 minutes...it was later. I had a feeling, and I prayed more, and I THOUGHT I KNEW. When AF showed her ugly face, I bawled my eyes out. Curled up in a ball, rocked myself on the bed and DH sat next to me and let me cry. I continued to cry for two hours (it was 2am already). I dove into the monthly deep depression pretty quick.

I did not leave my bedroom all day on Sunday. I did not eat all day. I told DH I think its time for a divorce. I was convinced he deserved better than me. He needed to move on and find someone he could start a family with. He was very upset and left to golf with his dad and talk with his dad. That upset me even more, and made me feel like he wasn't going to fight to keep me, then I should go. So MIL called me and asked me to come over for some tea and to talk. I did.... powdered my nose, grabbed my keys, and ran out the door. I got there and immediately started crying. Telling her I wasn't good enough, I didn't feel like a good wife, AF showed up, and so I failed again. She told me her infertility story again....(DH is adopted) and how she was also hit with depression every month that AF showed up...for TEN YEARS. We discussed if it was really time to try. I don't know anymore. Should we take a break and just focus on our marriage, love and happiness...and enjoy a few more years together? MIL thought that might help. I kind of agreed, but also felt that I want a child with DH soon. I did realize one thing:

I want a child almost like an obsession. It is so deep in me, that I have forgotten what is going on around me. I have delved myself so far into ttc that my relationship with DH has become distant, I've allowed myself to shut down from the real world and become saddened so much. I also realize this may somewhat, somehow, maybe, stem from my childhood and lack thereof of a mother figure. MIL and FIL took us out for a late dinner and we confronted the sadness head on. We understand their point of view, wanting us so badly to feel in love and focus on our marriage for a while. We understand their protecting love for us. And we are so grateful for their concern and advice!

This morning as DH's alarm was going off at 5am and he was getting dressed-My father called me. What a shocker?! I answered and heard such compassion on the other line. I was floored. He, himself, is dealing with a lot in his life right now. But he heard that I was told some not so nice things from my eldest brother (his eldest son) about ttc yesterday. He wanted to make sure I was ok, wasn't deep in depression and wanted to encourage me. He told me he doesn't want me to stop trying. Maybe keep up with the medicine because, in his words, "it will help regulate my cycle, and that is what my body needs since it won't do it on it's own." I was amazed. He thinks the world of DH and I. He knows our pasts, and thinks it would be amazing to add to our family. He wants to support me in whatever choices I make. He doesn't want others to influence what DH and I set out to do. I couldn't help but feel so loved. This is my birth father who was absent from my life for over 13 years. I grew up thinking the WORST of him, but now I think the world of him even through his mistakes and struggles too. I felt so alone in my struggles, and now I don't feel that way as much. Oh, how I wish he didn't live thousands of miles away in another state. How I wish I could get a hug as needed. I sure do love the phone calls though.

I'm still at a loss on exactly what to do. I would love feedback from you, my readers.

I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow.

Should I continue with the Clomid, and just keep going?

OR should I take a break, focus on my marriage alone, plan more vacations, and build more solid ground for our future family? I am ready for a family. DH says he's ready too. But is it a desire so deep within us that we feel like we MUST? I would turn my focus on to DH and weight loss galore if I stopped the Clomid right now.

Ultimately, the decision is ours. I want feedback from my ttc sisters though, because you each know the ups, downs, struggles and emotions that come along with TTC.