August 30, 2011 Changes

After a long, heart-felt talk with my DH, we decided this morning to take a small break. We're not going to chart, we're not going to have scheduled bd'ing days. I'm not going to obsess over medications, and soreness, and headaches and cravings. I made a phone call to my RE a few minutes ago to leave a message with him that we are deciding to take a short break from treatments and if I could come in and talk to him about the "mystery fluid" in my cervix and talk about maybe treating that. I'm waiting to hear back from him, he has today off.

We feel good about this decision. The hardest part is seeing so many pregnancies happen around us. We're going to stick together, be strong, get through it... and just relax. We hope to start trying again with treatments in a few months. I want to see if I cycle on my own without the Clomid as well. I'm so grateful to have a husband whom I can sit down with and make such huge decisions with, and help each other get through so very rough patches in life.

My personal main focus is going to be on weight loss. I really hope to succeed in this and keep it up. This past week I've successfully lost 7 pounds, and would eventually like to lose 83 more. I'm going to take small steps, but I'm doing a low carb diet and as much activity as my ankle will allow. I'm encouraging DH to join me on the journey to become more healthy and feel better physically. He wants to eventually lose about 30 lbs, and just be more fit for his type of work. Hoping to join the gym again and that will be another bonding thing for us... we used to, a few years ago, go together and workout together and it was just a lot of fun! I'm so fortunate to have my best friend as my husband.

I still struggle with sadness, so I want to work on that. For example, the other day I found out a person I know is having a girl. This person (opinions ahead) in my opinion, isn't ready for a baby. This person isn't married, doesn't work, doesn't have a stable living environment, is not a very mature person, and all she wanted was to get pregnant and have a girl. (My dream too! although any gender would be wonderful and a gift from God.) Well, she got what she wanted. I was so sad for a moment, and confided in DH and a couple friends and just worked my way through that feeling. Again, I don't understand God's plan, even women on the streets on drugs and doing wrong get pregnant. So I think that is something I need to work on, to feel better about and to let go of. It isn't so much jealousy as it is envy. I envy pregnant women because I want a family here in our home, and to give my DH a child. So, along with my weight loss these are some emotions I am going to work on. I'm also thinking about going back to school, so MIL and I are looking into schools and courses....it's nice to have her support and she understands my opinions and feels the same way. I know she's not my mother, but she's so much better.

I, of course, will still be blogging through this all, and may occasionally talk about ttc, because the emotions may come up.

Time for some changes =)

P.S. I'm still loving carrots and milk!

August 29, 2011 notes from my heart....

Ok, so I know most of you are waiting on an update, well... AF showed up a day early =(

It was such a cruel awakening. I had actually had three FALSE -possibly positives, which has never happened, but I guess I got a bad batch of cheapies. Stupid me showed them to DH, we were not going to get our hopes up, but you could tell we both were pretty excited on the inside. When I say possibly-positives, they did not show up positive in 3-5 minutes...it was later. I had a feeling, and I prayed more, and I THOUGHT I KNEW. When AF showed her ugly face, I bawled my eyes out. Curled up in a ball, rocked myself on the bed and DH sat next to me and let me cry. I continued to cry for two hours (it was 2am already). I dove into the monthly deep depression pretty quick.

I did not leave my bedroom all day on Sunday. I did not eat all day. I told DH I think its time for a divorce. I was convinced he deserved better than me. He needed to move on and find someone he could start a family with. He was very upset and left to golf with his dad and talk with his dad. That upset me even more, and made me feel like he wasn't going to fight to keep me, then I should go. So MIL called me and asked me to come over for some tea and to talk. I did.... powdered my nose, grabbed my keys, and ran out the door. I got there and immediately started crying. Telling her I wasn't good enough, I didn't feel like a good wife, AF showed up, and so I failed again. She told me her infertility story again....(DH is adopted) and how she was also hit with depression every month that AF showed up...for TEN YEARS. We discussed if it was really time to try. I don't know anymore. Should we take a break and just focus on our marriage, love and happiness...and enjoy a few more years together? MIL thought that might help. I kind of agreed, but also felt that I want a child with DH soon. I did realize one thing:

I want a child almost like an obsession. It is so deep in me, that I have forgotten what is going on around me. I have delved myself so far into ttc that my relationship with DH has become distant, I've allowed myself to shut down from the real world and become saddened so much. I also realize this may somewhat, somehow, maybe, stem from my childhood and lack thereof of a mother figure. MIL and FIL took us out for a late dinner and we confronted the sadness head on. We understand their point of view, wanting us so badly to feel in love and focus on our marriage for a while. We understand their protecting love for us. And we are so grateful for their concern and advice!

This morning as DH's alarm was going off at 5am and he was getting dressed-My father called me. What a shocker?! I answered and heard such compassion on the other line. I was floored. He, himself, is dealing with a lot in his life right now. But he heard that I was told some not so nice things from my eldest brother (his eldest son) about ttc yesterday. He wanted to make sure I was ok, wasn't deep in depression and wanted to encourage me. He told me he doesn't want me to stop trying. Maybe keep up with the medicine because, in his words, "it will help regulate my cycle, and that is what my body needs since it won't do it on it's own." I was amazed. He thinks the world of DH and I. He knows our pasts, and thinks it would be amazing to add to our family. He wants to support me in whatever choices I make. He doesn't want others to influence what DH and I set out to do. I couldn't help but feel so loved. This is my birth father who was absent from my life for over 13 years. I grew up thinking the WORST of him, but now I think the world of him even through his mistakes and struggles too. I felt so alone in my struggles, and now I don't feel that way as much. Oh, how I wish he didn't live thousands of miles away in another state. How I wish I could get a hug as needed. I sure do love the phone calls though.

I'm still at a loss on exactly what to do. I would love feedback from you, my readers.

I'm supposed to start Clomid tomorrow.

Should I continue with the Clomid, and just keep going?

OR should I take a break, focus on my marriage alone, plan more vacations, and build more solid ground for our future family? I am ready for a family. DH says he's ready too. But is it a desire so deep within us that we feel like we MUST? I would turn my focus on to DH and weight loss galore if I stopped the Clomid right now.

Ultimately, the decision is ours. I want feedback from my ttc sisters though, because you each know the ups, downs, struggles and emotions that come along with TTC.

August 25, 2011 CD 28 "milk and carrots"

Well, nothing hugely exciting.

Yesterday was very sad. I have been following the story of a little boy battling brain cancer for a year and a half, and he lost his battle yesterday morning at 4 years old. I felt so much pain inside yesterday. I sometimes just don't understand HIS plan.

Oh, today is the 47th birthday of the woman who gave birth to me...the woman who I used to call my "mommy." I don't miss her much anymore, still think about her, especially on holidays and her birthday. But, I don't crave for her, wish I had her to support me, and try to make her proud and do what she says anymore. I haven't heard her voice in over two years, and I'm fine with that. She lives somewhere around 30-45 minutes away from me, and I don't desire much from her. I'm okay with not having a mom if its got to be her and the way she treated me, and told me she wished she would have given me away, made me feel, and took my two angels to give them away. That is NOT a mother. I don't know if in my head I want to wish her a Happy Birthday or not...

Anywho, back to the TTC-ness!

So, bbs have still been hurting daily on the sides, and I mean a lot. It kind of wears off in the mornings/afternoons then is back in full force in the evenings, and at night. Every time it wears off, I think "oh! I'm out." I drive myself nuts and poke at them and push on them to make sure they are still somewhat hurting. Oh, the things we go through!

Milk. Let's talk about milk. COW'S milk:

So, I've always pretty much hated milk. I'll tolerate it with stuff, like cereal, oatmeal and other things. Well, not for the past three days. I have gone through two gallons of milk. I pour some into my sippy water bottle and sip on it ALL DAY LONG. Carrots are another thing. I usually don't go out of my way to eat carrots, if they are there, I might have some. But I don't LOVE them. Well, for the past three days you can see a water bottle full of milk in one hand and a bag of baby carrots in the other. HOW STRANGE IS THAT? Certain things smell and taste spoiled. It was so gross, I went to get some lunch meat, and took a bite--and immediately wanted to puke. It tasted like it was moldy, rotten and so gross. I had to spit it out and wash out my mouth (with milk of course.) I even can't stand the smell of the milk carton. I keep having to taste it because I think it's all of the sudden gone rotten. Nope... just some strange smell. I'm still super sleepy during the day and kind of insomnia-ridden at night. I've had several dreams where I POAS and its a BFP, but whenever I go to show someone it breaks, or the lines fall off the stick (strraannggeeee...) So I spend the rest of the dream trying to obtain another test to show them that YES, I'm pregnant... but always wake up before I get to that point. I've had overwhelming guilt when I rest my laptop near my tummy and imagine a little baby kicking it away. THAT ONE MAKES ME SEEM NUTTY! I feel "different" when I lay on my tummy at night. A friend of mine who has been living with us for a few weeks now says she's having strange cravings, she thinks it might be me or someone at her work.

(side note) I've used up all my HPT's here.. BFN's of course... I think the latest one was three or four days ago. So I'm on CD 28 of my 31 day cycle... I'm going to probably buy more, but keep testing until AF shows, or doesn't show!

So, I know in my heart that I very well may get a BFN this cycle, but I want to document these feelings, symptoms, and experiences. I know it might all be in my head. I know it might all be ridiculous---but I want to remember each and every step of this journey. I never want to forget the highs, lows, scares, and excitement. This journey is MINE for a reason. God has a plan for us!

Thank you Heavenly Father for allowing me to share my experiences, and emotions. Thank you for giving ME the opportunity to live in a generation where it is more possible to reach out to others struggling just like me. Thank you for putting them in my life. Thank you for reminding me just how strong I am.

Please give little Vince a hug from all of us down here who's lives he had touched in his short 4 years down here. Please be with his family during this difficult time. I may never understand YOUR plan, but I trust you and thank you for my life.

August 21, 2011 Bitter Sweet, babies....

Yesterday we found out late in the afternoon that my SIL had actually had her baby that day at 3:20 that morning. Today we were able to go to the hospital and meet our nephew. Unfortunately he was very fussy (circumcision today) and we only stayed about ten minutes. I brought gifts, and got to talk to SIL. Only in labor for less than three hours! WOW. Little Luke was 7 lbs 12 oz I believe. Didn't get to hold him, but got a good peek at him. I also found out my cousin had her son the day before. And on the 12th, a friend of mine had her son.

Baby flood has begun!

SIGH....

I was okay at the hospital visiting my nephew Luke. I had major butterflies in my tummy, not sure why---but I think I knew it would be hard. The moment we walked up to the Mother and Baby floor, there was a tour going on... talk about 30 pregnant women and their husbands all in a row. Then seeing all the babies.. and seeing how my SIL seemed so happy. I kept looking at DH. I hope and pray that that will be us one day. We took a long drive down the coast after that....about an hour. The same drive we used to do when we were dating. Just love songs blasting....and watching the ocean as we drive. I wanted to cry! But, I held it in and kinda stayed quiet the rest of the way. I didn't want to upset him. We have a new nephew here, and that is a blessing in itself. And he is just gorgeous, and precious and I can't wait to hold him.

Thank you God, for sending all these handsome little sons to these mothers and fathers. I know you have something in store for us. I pray for peace, guidance, and understanding.

Baby dust to us all.

August 19, 2011 Progesterone Results

I pick up my phone, dial RE's office--ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ........ finally someone answers! So I tell them my DOB, name, blah blah ask for my lab results. "Miss, what is progesterone." are you serious? anyways.. moving on "um Mom, I mean ma'm, that is a special test, and results won't be in until next week. It says its still in process." "excuse me, no I get the results the next day every month, its a simple test." "Ma'm, no its a special test and I'd wait a few days and call back." "ok, so I'll call back in a few hours." And I hung up! I was so frustrated. Why do they put people on the phones in doctor's offices that don't know a darn thing about anything? At least make them study medical terminology for Christ's sake!!!

Well, while I was on a long phone conversation with my daddy in Texas, I got a call back. This time it was a nurse. I guess the results came in, of course they did!!! Same message from the nurse as each month "Hi, Dr. K wanted me to let you know that your progesterone results indicated that you DID ovulate this month, and to start Clomid this time on CD 3-7, and get DH to get a S/A asap." "Thanks, can you pull up my lab results on your system? I'd like to know the number on the progesterone level" wait... wait...

22.5!!!!

I ovulated good this time! I was so relieved. I've of course been googling that number, it's not extremely high, but it's definitely well above 10. That made my afternoon much better than the frustration I was feeling this morning, and gave me some hope.

BBs don't hurt as bad today, still kind of tired... and pretty hungry. Scratchy throat this morning that went away in a few hours...going to the bathroom several times an hour...

It all sounds like pregnancy, doesn't it? hahahaha, if only everything else didn't mimic pregnancy. I'm going to wait to test till I'm late. I have to wait this time! I can't keep looking at those BFNs! (knowing me I won't hold out that long...sigh.)

August 18, 2011 Progesterone Draw

Today was my CD21 Progesterone draw. Will have those results tomorrow, so I'm praying for a good number indicating ovulation! They are getting better at getting it right the first time, so I was only poked once today! I was so happy to get behind the wheel again! It was nice, even though the lab is only about six minutes away, it was good to feel that free again.

As far as symptoms go, bbs have been pretty painful on and off, and on the sides this time and nips too when they are hard. VERY fatigued. Slept for two hours yesterday afternoon, and went to bed early which is unheard of for me on a normal basis. Very weepy, crying over anything! Smells are a little stronger...major hunger pangs yesterday.

Not getting my hopes up though, because these have happened before, except the bbs hurting on the sides. I pass it off as the Clomid. I have noooo clue why but, I took a test yesterday... how silly of me? I just randomly thought of it and ran to the bathroom. Of course, naturally it was a BFN... waaay too soon to test anyways.

Well, today my SIL is due, so we will see if baby Luke comes on time or not....preparing myself for that mentally. I just need to remember that its another one of God's blessings, and that I am an auntie again, and to be grateful for that. I need to push the selfish emotions aside and love this innocent baby that is about to be here!

Prayers for us all, for good news to come our way!

August 15, 2011 Nostalgic Sunset

Yesterday evening while driving home from the garden store with DH, I stared off into the sunset. Dreaming of it's beauty in front of me, it made me think of my childhood.

I often remember the sunset being a sad time for me, I still can't fully comprehend why. As the night would draw to a close, I often felt empty, lonely, sad, and wished it was still light outside.

Yesterday was different though. As I sat in the car listening to oldies, holding my husband's hand--- I was grateful. I was grateful that I was enjoying that sunset with someone who has stood by me through some of my roughest days and loved me through some ugly times, happy to be ending my day with him. I peeked out of the corner of my eye at him and he had a small grin on his face as he was driving towards our home. I wondered what he was thinking? I often wonder what he is thinking. Especially recently, during this TTC journey. He opens up every now and then, but I often think he feels he needs to be the strong one when we get another BFN. I told him its okay if he's sad too. He will often say he's not sad, he's still hopeful. I love him dearly.

I've been editing some pictures for fun, and I'm going to add one I made from one of our engagement shots.

Thinking about pregnancy and ttc a lot today while doing housework. Not sad, just thinking... Not seeing enough BFP's on the ttc forums and blogs lately...but seeing a lot elsewhere. I sure hope that my IF sisters out there in the world receive blessings...I know how it feels to want something so bad, and I wish this upon no one. I pray for us all constantly.

A special "shoutout" to Browning2222, one of my biggest supporters. Thank you for all of your kind words, and gentle encouragement. I hope I do the same for you, and I hope I can be of support to as many women out there going through infertility as possible.

August 12, 2011 Pelvic exam U/S

Dragged out of bed today...DH had the day off so we both dragged out of bed, hopped in the shower. I put a pretty flower dress on, because don't you have to look pretty to be exposed and have a wand shoved up you? Plus, wearing a dress is SO MUCH easier when getting a double u/s... keeping my bladder full of water was the most uncomfortable part.

We got there a couple minutes late so my technician had taken another patient in. We waited a few minutes in the waiting room...Then the technician walked out-- When she called my name she seemed so sweet....walked me back to the room and we began to chat while I hopped up on the table. She says "your chart says you have had two c-sections but you are on fertility treatments??" Yup, I told her my story... and she told me hers. She's a Clomid success story! She was the sweetest lady that I have met at a doctor's office. I felt so comfortable and at ease. It has always been painful to get u/s and she told me it was from the c-section scar tissue. Understandable.

We checked my follicles while at this U/S too. (RE ordered this exam because he's worried about the fluid in my cervix that does not go away, and wanted to check my uterus) Technician said looks like I ovulated already from my right ovary. Which is good that I ovulated, but upsetting that it is happening so soon. Maybe that is one of my issues? I'm ovulating now way too soon? Does that even cause issues? Google time.

Also, she (technician) has a great theory... maybe, just maybe this "mysterious fluid" in my cervix is causing DH's little swimmers to not be able to go up to where they need to??? When I explained that to DH he says "you mean like a wall that they are slamming into?" Yes, honey. Like a wall that is keeping them from going where they need to. Technician suggested to talk to RE about a possible small outpatient procedure to clear out my cervix? I think I'll bring that up to RE when I go back! Also my uterus is tilted back. Figured that much already.

So, rundown:

Ovulated this cycle looks like from Miss "Right" Ovary, but possibly ovulating too early???

Mysterious fluid in cervix still present--possibly causing swimmers to not reach my egg?

Uterus tilted back.

Will hear more when RE checks the results.

Technician told me she used Robitussin and the "instead cup" and got pregnant on cycle 2 of Clomid 50mg each time. (First time with tripletts, who sadly passed away and a singleton the second time who's name is Gracie-aww)

I think I'll use these next cycle (I hope there isn't a next cycle, and we are successful this time!) She says as I walk out "Hope next time I see you, there is a baby in there" with a huge smile on her face. Me too, me too...

Someone who knew exactly how I felt and knew how badly I wanted a baby, made me feel at ease, shared her success, and supported me. I couldn't have asked for a nicer experience during an uncomfortable doctor's visit. I've been smiling since.

Thank you God for this little blessing you sent today.

August 11, 2011 Yoga mind

For the first time in weeks, my house is completely silent, except for the fan whirling in the bedroom and the clack clack of these keys and a few birds chirping around my bay window.

Wow. I feel completely weightless right now. Kind of letting my mind wander wherever it wants to go. I keep imagining little onesies and a nursery. That is where my mind goes. I wonder if that means it isn't too far from reach for me? Strollers, binky's, diapers, and bibs. I'm at peace with letting myself think about it for the moment. I don't want to push that happy thought out this time. I kind of like feeling that way for a moment in time, be it true or not. I think allowing ourselves as women to live that dream in our heads every now and then can be therapeutic if you do it in small increments. Some days I'm too sad to allow those thoughts to flow through me, but today, I'm feeling pretty free.

Dang Trash Man, your loud truck just interrupted my daydream!

I know in the next few months I will be surrounded by babies, and pictures, and updates. I need to brace myself for that road. I don't want to lose friends or become distant with family because of my sadness, and hurt due to failure. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...and grant me the serenity to accept the fact that it is not me just yet, but to be able to enjoy your little blessings/angels all around me.

Finally able to do yoga again. I only like doing it when I'm alone and can completely feel peace...and now that I have no cast on, it is much simpler. They have poses for fertility--just learned that. I recommend Yoga to all you ladies, even if just for when those days of dread appear. It does not solve anything, does not cure anything, can't lose weight fast from it... but it brings me to my core, my soul, and allows for a few moments of peace, which I know we all need.

Huggs to all of my IF sisters.

August 9, 2011 Spoke too soon??

Today was just the complete opposite of yesterday.

Total switch around :(

Heavy heart, depression, anger, HORMONAL! I've been snappy, angry and in pain. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock and go to yesterday where I felt so free. Why must these meds cause such ups and downs? Nothing in between. BB's hurt like heck, crazy hot flashes, crying, yelling, sleepy. Why did I even make yesterday look so good, now I'm even angrier that it left so fast!

Why is it that we have to have all of these side effects but yet be under NO stress? It makes no sense at all, and does not help for bd'ing when we should.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I wish I was "normal" and can just make love and create a precious child. Why me?!

August 8, 2011 who am I?!

Just who is this person I've been this past week? Smiling, laughing, getting out of the house, talking to friends, going on dates with DH??????

Don't get me wrong, I feel great about it--I'm just confused as to what happened. Where did this peace come from? I feel so blessed to have this peace of mind lately, I sure hope I don't jinx myself. DH and I got to go to the state fair last night with one of my gf's and MIL, FIL, and stepson! It was like back in the dating years SO MUCH FUN! Stepson went with DH to a booth, picked out a bracelet and said can I buy this for momma Amy? I was in shock! He came over placed it in my hand and gave me the biggest kiss... he was so sweet. Wanted to be in my lap, giving me big hugs and singing songs...it was the greatest feeling. I sure wish we saw him more, but I treasure the time we do get with him. Went and bought him some school clothes today, don't know if his mom will give them to him but it felt great getting them and we chatted about what it would be like to one day be buying our own child clothes and sending them off to school!

I finished my Clomid...no side effects this time! Crazy! Grateful!

I've had a lot of CM for two days now, I was telling DH maybe I ovulate earlier than I thought due to seeing this discharge and having sharp, sharp pains?? Maybe every time I get my follicle scan, my RE tells me I've already ovulated (he says a day or two before) but I'm thinking quite possibly 5 or 6 days before he thinks?? Could this even be possible? I guess I need to do some more research on that. I feel good about this month (so far) and I like to say "third time's a charm!" But even if it doesn't happen, as for right now, I'm okay with that. I just wish I could speed up time and get through O time and 2ww faster. But what ttc woman doesn't right????

August 2, 2011 Quick update:

Figured I would take a few minutes to update since my last VERY DEPRESSING blog.

I guess I really needed a day to just vomit every bit of depression, sadness, frustration and anger...because I woke up the next day soooo refreshed. It was freaky! I actually went to an amusement park with my DH, MIL and stepson! I got to sit and talk to MIL while stepson and DH went on all of the kiddie rides. Oh, I spewed my depression and she just listened and supported me! It felt soooooo good. I was totally surprised that I even got out of the house that day! And I've been out every day since (except today, I actually feel exhausted and went back to sleep after lunch and just now woke up.) Had our God children over and they'll be over to stay the night again tomorrow...

I am very perplexed though, because AF was only 3 days long. Never, ever in my life have I had a short period. Not once. The shortest it has ever been is six days and sometimes lasted up to 8 weeks and sometimes didn't show up for months!!! But, never has it come and then gone in 3 days. Nuts!

It was kind of heavy, with clots (TMI sorry...) but then was done just as fast as it showed up. Some say oh, it could be pregnancy!!! And I say naw, maybe the Clomid is just making my period the way it should have been all these years? I was sure glad to only have AF stay for 3 days though!

Starting the Clomid again today (have that thought deeeep in the back of my head saying, don't take it, what if you are pregnant?!) So to ease my mind, I'm going to send DH to the drug store to pick up a test and the Clomid at the same time....I'll test, if negative--which it will be--I'll feel better about taking my Clomid.

I wanted to take the time to thank my readers for such amazing support. I still can't believe that perfect strangers can be so encouraging, supportive and pray for you. I hope I lend as much support to those of you going through IF as well. I am very blessed, and very lucky to have each of you. I'm not sure I can get through those really rough times without hearing that "ding" on my phone, looking at it and realizing I have an email from one of you commenting so kindly on my blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, that is all for now.