Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Day 19

Day 19: Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can't bring yourself to say in person:

Mine is actually to a few, so if it seems to not make sense, I'm letting go of emotions towards a few women out there.

Dear Blank,

I've had so many thoughts run through my head. The thought of losing supporters has ripped my heart wide open. 

When a girl is young she thinks of growing up with a best friend, a girlfriend, a sister, someone who will be by her side through every break up, period, falling in love, sadness, laughter and joys. Through children being born. Through building a home. Through losses. Through it all. 

For so many years things have been up and down. Late night talks about my sadness. About the emptiness in my soul, my heart, my tummy. Each time af showed up, each faint line I thought was there. Each tear I've cried, every struggle to keep going. What is this life for? Now I sit alone in these thoughts and my tears are not valid to you.

Today we are not close anymore. You've either moved on to have your tummy filled with life or we've stopped talking due to outside sources. The bond is no longer there. You've left me hanging by a thread alone. Do you not remember these struggles? You'll never know how hard it is, how hard it is to be disappointed after years and years of trying for one thing and being a failure over and over again, even through medical interventions---that were unsuccessful. The look in your husbands eyes, the tears he tries to hide so he can be there for you as yours fall to the floor. Barely holding together.

I would give everything that I own to have a family, to be honored to be a mother and you know that. There is such a ritual in the bedroom now that you'll never know the pain that it comes with. The spark has to somehow be kept alive, and make this all not seem like a ritualistic chore because you want passion again with your love. 

The daily struggle to keep going and just help others will never leave your heart, can you understand THAT? You once did. Now you say I whine? I cry? Well, I do. But do not mock my heart.

What happened to your heart? What happened to make your ears go deaf and stop understanding my words? I'm lost inside the memory of how I used to turn to you late at night, in the middle of the day. Sitting on the toilet peeing on a stick. Sharing life with you on a simple webcam. I may sound desperate, but I've lost all belief in support from those I thought that cared and shared my tears. How did you become so blind and forget so easily? 

When did bringing a life into the world, a miracle that is blessed to you, become a competition and a mockery? I know I'm not a perfect person, I know my flaws, I know my successes. I've found a reason for me, and a reason to keep going. Life is still moving forward every minute. The sun rises and sets, but it is so different with people out there who drop you. Who turn their back and fade into the background. It hurts when I've cared enough about them, but knowing their listening ear really had a hole in it, their heart was only painted on and not truly open to you feels like it was all a lie. Have I really been alone all this time?

I know my God is still working hard on making my miracle. I know that someday he or she will be here, to change the world and to give new meaning. I know I must keep moving forward and do the foot work, it is not up to me for how long. 

I can't believe you were the one to build me up and give me hope then so quickly tear me down to the ground.

I hope your new miracle brings you amazing joy and your journey through this doesn't take as long as mine is because it is very hard and though sadness is between us, I never wish this upon anyone. Never.

I'll still think about your journey now as life continues to press forward. I can't keep the days from ending but I can feel joy in knowing that they will start again. There is a reason you were in my life for a bit. 

Back to making that miracle happen in every way possible.

With love, Amy

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