Sunday, November 20, 2011

Ramblings from within...

FYI this post will be one of my normal all over the place, probably makes no sense, just thoughts across the board type of posts!

First of all, still no AF--and a ton of BFN's. Which in reality probably means that I did NOT ovulate. I started Provera last night in hopes to get my cycle to come! Lovely. I'm tempted to call Dr. K and ask for Clomid--just so I can ovulate and have a normal cycle. What do you think???

I've had THE WORST cramps. So sharp, both sides, lasts forever, don't want to move, what the hell was that type of cramps. I told DH maybe I have some cysts from not ovulating. Yuck.

I've been thinking...uh oh, me thinking????
I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like to be pregnant along side some of my friends. That would be so special and fun. I just don't think God thinks it's time. It makes me angry, frustrated, and sad. I can't change God's plan though. He has a reason, and I have to accept that.
Jeremiah 29:11 reads: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This verse has been stuck in my head for a couple of days. My Lord will not harm me. That is a tough one to swallow when I feel so down and distraught. When I feel like its a joke being played on me to see all of the pregnancies, have to attend baby showers, watch my friends and family go through 9 months, and give birth, and see the newborns...all the while getting BFN after BFN, I have to accept that it is not my time. But, I must not lose faith. I need to realize this is not my way.

My life has reason. My daily path will take me to a place the Lord sees fit. It is not up to me. Acceptance is the key, no matter how hard it may be.

On a side note: I wound up getting 3 hours worth of a nap yesterday morning around 9am and was able to fall asleep before midnight last night, so we'll see how tonight goes!

Yesterday was my dear stepson's birthday party. DH of course was working, so he was unable to attend. I wound up not going with the advice from MIL and FIL. I'm still excited to see pictures and know how his party at the park went!

With the major Holidays coming up so fast and so many babies being born I need to distract myself A LOT! I'm still working on losing weight, and have maintained my weight loss from last month plus a few more pounds, which is nice. I'm pretty much one size smaller, and DH has lost almost fifteen pounds himself and feels a lot better. I'm hoping to renew my gym membership soon and I'll be able to do more physical workouts there! I'm doing a lot of yoga now that DH isn't home during the day. It's so relaxing, peaceful and strengthening. I'm looking forward losing more weight and some day shopping in the normal section of the store! I'm going to try to keep motivated in that and stay strong that way. Well, darn it if I can't have a baby right now I might as well work on having a smoking hot body right?!

Ok, back to house chores and then crafting while my puppies sleep at my feet!
P.S. Don't know if anyone has noticed, but I added "Reactions" to my blog a few weeks ago, you'll see them below...

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