Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Tales from an insomniac:

I really don't get how I can never fall asleep at night? This is nothing new in my life, ever since I can remember I never, ever fall asleep easy.
I at least can educate myself all night long. I love reading. I drown myself in words daily. Whether it be blogs, articles, scriptures online, inspirational sayings, books or whatnot. I seem to drift into another world, and I love it! I'm amazed at how much I read a day. I love to learn constantly. Is that strange???

Tonight I've got babies on the brain. Babies everywhere. Cutest baby pictures on www.pinterest.com. Family portraits for the holidays. Newborns dressed up and stuffed in peppermint filled jars. Reindeer antlers propped on their heads. Stuffed in massive stockings. Oh the joys of babies at Christmas. I'll be congratulating quite a few people who will have newborns around the holidays. I must not get too sad. I want to be filled with gratitude and joy for these friends of mine. I want so badly to be so happy for them. How do I put myself aside? My emotions, my aching soul, my heart break? There has got to be a simple answer to this. I've tried so much. So many different ways. What is the solution? Cyber world--do you know?

I'm so proud to be so in love with the most compassionate, tolerant, loving, and patient man. How, oh how does he put up with the crazy roller coaster I ride daily? Infertility has brought our marriage into dark places, and yet we still shine that lantern until it is bright again. We press on. We walk hand in hand. If God's blessing of infertility has brought me but one thing positive, I must say that it has brought me to see my soul mate in a whole new light. A light that shows determination and an indescribable love. For that, I have to say I'm thankful for. The one thing I can thank my heavenly father for on this hard road he's bestowed upon us. Everything, everything happens for a reason. And, not just any reason... HIS reason, HIS will, HIS plan.

My body is acting like I'm on clomid. A few hot flashes, sore bbs on and off, some twinges in my ovary. One day of belly button pain. A couple waves of nausea. Maybe, just maybe I ovulated on my own. If so, I'll be proud of my lady bits! Proud that they accomplished THAT this month.

Well, first attempt to go to sleep is in order. My IF sisters, you're all in my thoughts as I lay my head down tonight.


  1. I have read clomid will stay in some women's system for up to 2 months afterwards. I hope you ovulated! As for how to not have the green part of us spring up when we see pregnant ladies or those with new borns...I haven't 100% figured that out. I do better when I am focusing less on ttc and more on God. When I memorize scripture and remind myself of it when the bitterness & jealousy springs up, it pushes it away. I am not perfect, I still have sad moments when I see babies and pregnant women...but I think it will get better, and I hope it does for you too! *hugs!*

  2. If you find out how to keep the green monster (as i call it) away, please tell me! In fact, tell everyone with IF!!!
    I hope that you ovulated!! :)
    I can defiantly relate to the reading all the time. I love quotes!!! I try to put one in my post everyday.
    Hope you were able to get some sleep!

  3. To my beautiful sissa! I love you so much and Our father who art in heaven will bless you and Robert with a beautiful child.. I don't know when but I'm praying he blesses you both very soon!! I love and miss you!! You needn't to stress or worry yourself over it.. Your body will not allow you to become pregnant while under stress.. I know it's easier said then done to not stress and worry about getting pregnant.. But they say when you relax and stop trying so hard is when you're blessed!! Go to bed to make love.. Not to make a baby.. Make passionate love to your husband and see what happens with in a few months.. I love you and miss you both! xoxo


  4. I am a night owl too...I joke I am in the wrong profession all the time. That feeling is horrible. I am dealing with it big time this week with a co-worker returning from maternity leave. I feel like an awful person and I can't help it. If you find an answer....be sure to let me in on the secret! oxo! and a trip to Disneyland is a definite must!!

  5. I remember turning off my facebook because I was so sick of everyone announcing they were having babies... Hated that it felt like it would never be my turn. One day soon you will read through these posts holding your baby and they will be a distant memory. Keeping you in my prayers... Darn that clomid crap!


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