June 28, 2011 Oh, hello AF--how I hate thee.

So, the ugly old witch has showed her ugly, painful face this afternoon. Pretty much a dagger to my heart, but I got through that feeling pretty quick. I am just happy to be able to move on and try again. The unknown was what was killing me. I've been pretty sick. Must be a stomach bug, and a really mean one. AF's painful cramps and the intestinal cramps is not a good combination!

I got to thinking today, what if it's not time? What if I'm trying to push destiny. What if I'm supposed to wait until we have more financial stability or if we are supposed to do something big before a child. I think it was just the combination of all the emotions that I have gone through this month. It has been hell going through this with a broken ankle. I'm almost glad I didn't have to go through morning sickness or something with a cast on, unable to run to the bathroom. Maybe, just maybe I really wasn't supposed to be successful this month. I think I'll use that as my excuse...for peace of mind's sake.

Time to pick myself back up, dust myself off, wipe away the tears and press on. Another round of Clomid and a month of side effects, emotions, and scheduled bd'ing ahead. I wonder if I need to do something different this time? More prayer? Attend Church? A different medicine combination? I know I need to stress less. Obsess less. Is this blog helping or hurting me?

Can you tell I'm a roller coaster of extreme up and down emotions right now????

A HUGE piece of chocolate cake please?

June 26, 2011 Still no AF

Today I had a girl friend over to teach me the ropes of extreme couponing... It was pretty fun and sure got my mind off of the past four BFN's I've gotten. I really hope I get the hang of it.

I took the latest test on the 24th, and told myself I'd hold off until the 27th. Tomorrow morning with FMU of course will be another one. I just don't understand my body. Still no AF, continuous BFN's. I wish I had a straight answer.

I reluctantly went out with my DH and friend to dinner and oh my gosh, I feel so sick right now. We sat at the bar and seeing the drinks made me feel so nauseous. I've had a continuous headache for days. I saw a temp dip so I figured yes of course AF will be here... but nothing... temp is back up near 100, so maybe I am getting sick. If I move around a lot I feel so sick. If I sit perfectly still the nausea goes away but the headache starts pounding. I just can't win! I hate these up's and down's. I hate these emotions. I am becoming a hermit, I hate to go out, I don't sleep until 4 am...even if I'm in bed by 11. I sleep till 10 or 11am. I feel like I'm going insane, and this is just the first month, the first round on Clomid. Have I lost it?!

I'm sure it doesn't help that I have a cast and a broken bone...and its hard to get around and I can't hardly do anything. I feel pretty nauseous and my headache isn't subsiding so I think this is all I'm going to write tonight, computer screen isn't helping.

SIGH.....

Pray, Pray, Pray....

June 22, 2011 CD 26, 11 dpo

Well, I tested again this morning eleven days past ovulation (cycle day 26) and as to be expected (in my head) a BFN once again. Feeling really out of sorts this afternoon.

Yesterday, one of my really good friends and her kids (my God children) came to stay the night. It was really good but secretly emotional at the same time. I love them dearly but some how its another reminder that I do not have a child with my DH yet. My friend let me know that her little sister had just got an unexpected BFP with her internet boyfriend. I just keep finding out about more and more pregnancies. Just the way it goes, right? I felt bad because one of my first reactions was "of course she can but I can't..." Fortunately, my girl friend is so understanding and knew what I really meant. I keep hearing "it will happen for you" or "when the time is right" or "maybe if you stop trying, that is usually when it happens..." Those are pretty tough to hear over and over and over. They don't know!

I said to DH today: "Wow, it's really hot outside!" he replied with "Just like you honey, you're really hot!" I looked at him seriously and said "NO I'm not! I'm not even a woman, a woman has babies and isn't broken like me." I kind of realized right then just how much I DON'T feel feminine. I feel gross, broken, un-sexy, useless in womanhood. Some may say to me that I'm not out of it this month until AF shows, as a matter of a fact that is even what I advise other TTC women on these forums I follow. I seem to think, especially today, that I am out. DH tells me this is just the beginning and we have many months ahead and he loves me no matter what. Thank you honey, but why doesn't that make me feel any better? We women are the ones who go through the agonizing symptom spotting, the trying to dissect certain feelings and pains, peeing on sticks, prodding at our breasts praying they are sore, getting on our knees to pray that we don't bleed this month and so much more. It is so much to go through and just exhausting and so emotional. We are the ones who either get pregnant or don't. Win or fail. Do they understand this? Ultimately its up to our womb. Pressure much?!!!!

I wish I was as optimistic as my DH. The other day when he went to purchase the tests, he called me and said "Honey, I got a sign, I got a sign!!" He further explains in an excited voice: that next to the store he was at where the empty building has been for months they are putting in a Babies R Us. Surely that's meant for us, right? I kind of giggled and said to him, yeah maybe they're building that just because they know we are going to need it! He's such a great man, and supportive. I often wonder if he's suffering too because he's not showing it. I try to love on him and be supportive too as much as I can, but I can't seem to be quite as optimistic as him. How can I change that?

Here's a symptom: Crying to Dog the Bounty Hunter on TV. How's that one? Oh, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream with Dorritos? How's that one? Constant Lotiony CM? Belly button was killing me last night, how's that one?

I need to stop. Get on my knees and pray, and not be lost in thoughts of what if? When? Why me? There's got to be a little angel spirit in heaven waiting for the right time to come from God's arms into mine. Has to be.

INSOMNIA 1am on June 21st, 2011

Yes, it's almost 1am and I'm still on google... I think I should own stock in google---because I use it more than anyone I know! I'm even getting phone calls from friends asking if I can google something for them because I seem to find answers to every thing! Baahaaahaaa... hey, at least I can laugh right now although it may be insanity kicking in perhaps???

I came across this and just HAD to post it for my TTC friends who need a laugh!

You know you're TTC when...

- the Big 'O' no longer refers to orgasm, but instead to ovulation

- you show everyone who will look at your bbt charts

- every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation

- it no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out at the pharmacy with both HPTs and tampons in your cart.

- you schedule your social events around your ovulation day

- if your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards

- you talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww

- your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"

- you take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)

- you refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.

- you put off buying any fall/winter clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets cooler.

- you clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs

- your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.

- you spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes

- the thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!

- you make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink

- you get sick but make sure you can take the medicine in case you are pregnant...and would rather stay sick if you can't take the medicine..

- you finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!

- you refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" in real life

the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it!

- you suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers during the days leading up to

NOW---

that you've had a good laugh, let me bring you right back down to my anger--right after I read this, I also read something that made me ANGRY AS ALL HELL! I read that there is a link to Depo Provera (birth control shot) and PCOS... are you kidding me? I am soooo angry that I took that (only a couple of times six years ago) but it is well known for causing many infertility problems. I wish I was more educated back then!!!! I'm fuming!

Ok, time to force myself into bed.

June 20, 2011 Progesterone Results

I woke up and immediately called the doctor this morning. I was told the doctor hasn't reviewed my blood work yet and someone would call me when he has. I got a phone call and the nurse said "Ok the doctor says your blood work shows that you definitely did ovulate." I said "ok can you tell me the number please??" She sighed and was like "Let me see if I can read this..." "14.5.. ok? bye." and hung up! I was like what?

I got out of bed, wheeled my way into the living room and got on the computer onto some of the facebook pages for fertility and posted a question about this number...and was advised by some really nice strangers to call my doctor back and ask him some further questions and find out what my next step is. I did just this.

Of course they said ok so I will leave a message with the doctor and call you back when he responds.

MORE WAITING.....

When the SAME nurse called back she read his letter to me word for word and basically said that I need to call if my period has come and order in more Clomid, if it hasn't come in a week keep taking HPT until it comes up positive or AF shows up. I asked her if she knew anything about the numbers on progesterone levels and she replied no, not at all.. So all I know is that I did ovulate.

For some reason this still made me very emotional. I sat here on the couch and just cried. Poor DH was trying to comfort me, but I just felt that a 14.5 was too low. Then I looked at my chart and dissected it day by day... and googled away....

I realized that most CD 21 progesterone tests are taken at 7 dpo and mine was done on either 5 or 6 dpo.... so the number might have been low because it wasn't at the progesterone peak yet. DH went to the store and bought 5 tests....

Yup, I decided to test every other day until AF is past due. Of course today's was negative... still early. I just knew I couldn't wait... POAS addict? Maybe.

As far as symptoms go:

Last night tons of cramping and sharp pains, major hunger pangs today, nips a bit sore, crying a lot--even while watching "Cake Boss" NUTS! and the extreme exhaustion showed up again today... all I want to do is sleep--but I don't sleep well at night, so I don't know! Sooo wishing I could see into the future, that would be amazing!

Until next time.

June 19, 2011 FATHER'S DAY

Today is Father's day. Kind of emotional in my house. DH is off at the store buying cups and plates for our BBQ here today with his parents and sister & her husband. It is quite gloomy outside, kind of chilly---kind of sets the mood for the day. I wish this could be a happier day. I wish I could have started my cycle earlier, got a BFP and given him that as a Father's Day present. Oh, I wish, I wish.

Lately I've been symptom spotting like a mad woman! Unfortunately yesterday it seems all the symptoms I was having including sore and sensitive nips, blue veins on bbs, upset tummy, smelling everything, a tad bit of nausea until I filled my tummy, dizzy spells, extreme exhaustion to the point of naps during the day, headaches, specific cravings have all disappeared. I had a headache all day yesterday and that was it. Doesn't give me much hope...but I know I need to have faith and be prepared for a BFN and know that its not the end, its only the beginning.

I also googled if I got pregnant this month when would my baby be due? March 3rd 2012. Why do I do these things to myself???? I want to wait to test until after AF is due, but will I be able to wait that long to POAS? I need strength!

June 14, 2011 New Fur Baby!

Thought I'd write today.... it's been a pretty good day. Husband went and picked up our new puppy. His name is Fletcher. He's a Maltese, Pomeranian, Cocker Spaniel mix! He's absolutely adorable and tiny and loving. Our baby Widget (tea cup Chihuahua) is getting used to him. They don't fight, but Widget tries to play and jumps over him and runs after him. Pretty darn cute :)

Tonight is kind of a bummer night. I'm posted up on the couch as usual... I've been having some strange symptoms come and go... tender nips, bloating and gas. Kind of emotional this evening. I just really want this. Its such an up and down roller coaster. Jeesh. I swear I join new forums almost every day. A new one I'm in is called twoweekwait.com since I'm in the 2ww right now. It helps to read similar stories, but with all of the BFP stories, I feel hope, but at the same time I feel like "what if I'm not one of those success stories???" What if it all just never works?

Big, Big SIGH.

Any Who, I'm doing all I can to stay sane--- my fur babies help so much.

June 13, 2011 THE ULTRASOUND

So this morning was our follow up ultrasound! OMGOSH, DH and I did not sleep at all last night! We got about four hours-we were both so anxious.

So I get myself in these stirrups with ease! GO ME! A Resident came in to shadow my doctor, and a nurse was also present. DH sat in my wheelchair and stared at the screen....

First, my Dr. was like, ok--what is that fluid?! I was like what fluid? He turned the screen and showed me that there was fluid in my cervical area that he didn't know why it was there. His end result to that was that he thinks it was CM. (read notes on the side of this blog to understand abbreviations) He then went on to my uterus...that checked out great! No abnormalities, no tumors... looks healthy. Then onto ovaries... finished up and I asked him "What are the follicles measuring at?" He said there are none. My heart instantly sank...but then he said "because it looks like you're past ovulation, you're on CD 17, so you probably ovulated yesterday or the day before! I was like WOOHOOO! I ovulated!

Of course, because implantation takes place about 6-7 days after conception, you can't know if you are pregnant this soon...as HCG levels rise after the fertilized egg attaches to the uterine wall.

*CAN YOU TELL I RESEARCH A LOT?!*

Well, doc is sending me for a progesterone level check on Friday...get those results on Monday. He said if nothings happened, then he wants DH to get tested, and give me a HSG test where they insert dye and check my uterus and fallopian tubes for blockages. Step by step, right???

So now I'm in my dreaded 2ww. I won't take a HPT until around the 22nd which would be CD 26....I already feel nauseous, dizzy, and tired for two days now--but then again I read into every little thing!

I don't think I'm going to blog every single day--just because I don't want to stress about it and think about it constantly. I want to be relaxed as much as possible. I most definitely will blog if something happens, or something is on my mind!

I have faith, I have hope. I pray. Fingers and toes crossed...wishbones, dandelions, shooting stars, first star I see tonight, and birthday candles: it's time to do your job!

**STICKY VIBES, STICKY VIBES**

June 12, 2011

Not much new today... basically a day of relaxing with my leg up all day.

Anxious, very anxious about my first f/u ultrasound tomorrow. Praying for the best. If not, I know it isn't the end, maybe up the dosage of Clomid, add another med... switch meds.. I don't know! But I sure hope and pray that there is some sort of progress.

I'm glad I have so much support, I have tons of friends and family praying which gives me hope. I am sure blessed.

Time to head to bed as tomorrow morning will be a lot of work washing my hair, sponge bathing, and trying to shave my one leg (hairy legs during an ultrasound sure isn't cute!!!), and finding a way down my porch steps...and on to our appointment! Gosh just thinking about it makes me tired!

Good Night friends

P.S. the pic just shows what I'm looking for, not my picture :)

June 11, 2011

Today was actually a pretty good day! My DH is probably the best man I know. He made BBQ ribs, corn on the cob, and salad and invited our friends over for board games. This game provided tons and tons of laughs! Much needed-- He just knew I needed to get out of my head. I had such a blast! I haven't seen anyone since my ankle break and I'm becoming more nervous about the u/s in three days. Only two more sleeps and it will be here!

I forgot to mention, last night--I fell :( I bruised up my "good leg"... poor DH feels he can't leave me alone for a second now :( Hard for a pretty independent woman here!

anywho------

I've been totally analyzing every little thing about my body. I notice every little pain in my stomach, I touch my belly and think I felt something. I have somewhat tender bbs. I think I am just going crazy! I trust that my mind will calm down very soon and things will get easier as I learn more and am able to understand more about the process of treatments.

My fingers are crossed that I'll show follicles that measure well, and a healthy thick lining at this u/s.....

*baby dust, baby dust!!!*

June 10, 2011

Been doing a lot of thinking today.

Infertility sure plays with your emotions. You feel like less of a woman. Especially with PCOS and its symptoms... you just feel useless in womanhood. Not a good feeling. I am thankful though, that there is so much support and information online... thousands of strangers unite in their struggles and pour their all into simple paragraphs of hope, fear, and trials. You never really know how difficult the journey is until you go through it yourself. I can only imagine how my DH is feeling, he is always the strong one, but now and then some emotions come out. Poor guy even has to help me to the bathroom now that I'm immobile on top of having to hear my cries and hold me through my sorrows with trying to conceive.

I sure hope one day this will all be worth it. I pray for it. Its within reach, I feel it. I just don't know when it will happen. Ever since I was a tiny girl playing house; mommy is who I want to be. I won't let my fears get the best of me. I just can't. There is a grander plan that I just don't know about. I still have hope. I have to.

June 9, 2011

Got into the Ortho today! NO SURGERY!!!! Put a hard cast on, got a purple one: my favorite color. Was told I'd have the hard cast for a month, no walking or weight on the ankle, then in a month I'll have another xray, and if it's healed enough, I will move to a boot which I can walk in. I'm sooo not looking forward to the cast for a full month, but it is what it is. I am just ever so grateful that I don't need surgery. OH, and I got to see the ankle when they took the temp. cast off... ewwww.

DH and I are hoping for the best since this has already been an eventful month. We'll just have to see what happens! I hope some luck will come my way this month.

June 8, 2011

Got to go to my primary doc's office today. Got a referral for Orthopedic specialist. Hopefully I'll get to see the specialist tomorrow to find out the fate of my ankle. *sigh*

On a positive note, DH and I (DH is Dear Husband) are happy that we found a comfortable way to continue to BD. It's been difficult and painful, but we think we found a trick. Trying to stay optimistic through this all. I began this journey with the knowledge of struggles while TTC but I never thought I'd break a bone along the way and make it more difficult! Got a good look at the xray today, nice break!

Robert and I had a good laugh when we were trying to figure out how to get me in stirrups on the 13th for my ultrasound. That one is going to be interesting, but I will not give up!

June 7, 2011

A day spent being nauseous with pain. All Day in bed.

Dang crutches have given me awful bruises on my arms.

So frustrated today. Feel sick, weak, tired, and oh so frustrated why this had to happen on my TTC journey?!!!!

How am I going to bd with a broken ankle?!!!

I'm so angry!

NOT A GOOD DAY AT ALL... Doc's tomorrow.

June 6, 2011 THE BREAK

This morning we got up early, met our friends at their apartment and began to help them move. Up and down a flight of stairs hundreds of times I swear! I got to catch up with my friend and tell her all about my TTC journey so far, and that felt great! Little did I know what was going to happen later that afternoon.

We were at our friend's new apartment, the guys were with the UHAUL and us girls decided to pull the car up to the curb and grab some boxes and bring them up to the new apartment. My legs were oh so sore from so many stairs all day long. I opened the car door, grabbed a big box, stepped off the curb and straight into a hole, as I fell to the ground I heard & felt a snap! OH NO! My friend ran to me, and asked if I was okay. I said I didn't think so, but I wanted to sit for a while because I felt like throwing up. I wound up sitting at that curb for another hour while they finished unloading boxes. Then it was time for dinner...they all asked if I thought I could get up and hop up the stairs so we could have some pizza and hot wings. (just hot wings for me...) It took about 20 minutes, but somehow, some way I made it up those steps and we enjoyed dinner. About two hours later I wasn't looking forward to the trip down the steps, but knew it was time to go home. Robert tried and helped me in every which way he could. At the bottom of the stairs about fifteen minutes later, I broke down and sobbed. Robert said "thats it, you're going to the ER!" After a few hours in the ER, several XRAYS and me denying a break at all, I was told I broke my ankle :( A temporary cast, and tons of meds, and a follow up with a specialist to see if surgery is necessary. SURGERY?! WHAT?!!!!! WHY NOW?!!!

June 5, 2011 Day 5 Clomid

Not much new today. No real side effects. AF was over two days ago, so I feel pretty good all around.

I am finding myself being weird. I hope this isn't self sabotaging...but I keep having Robert take me to maternity stores, and baby stores..."just to look" We have everything planned out already. I know its probably not very healthy, but it helps me a little. That sounds weird, right? You'd think it would be hard to see all of the baby things, but it is actually therapeutic to go around with Robert and pick out future things. ODD??

Maybe I'll regret this in the future, but somehow it has helped me these past few days.

Well, tonight I take my last pill for cycle 1 of Clomid. Who knows if this will work, but I'm sure praying my tush off. I must be grateful though that the side effects weren't bad, and I had access to so much information. From here on out I will continue my prenatals, baby aspirin, also Vitamin B complex drops. I heard to only take the tea until a few days before ovulation as it can stimulate uterine contractions which wouldn't be healthy for implantation.

Helping friends move bright and early tomorrow....Good Night!

June 4, 2011 Day 4 Clomid

Today is not much different. Less crying, more bloating. Still reading forums and googling Clomid success stories like crazy!

I have found myself less upset at those around me expecting. I don't feel as depressed. Although they keep popping up, I just know in my heart Robert and I have a little soul waiting for us. There is a reason for this journey, a reason for these struggles. Robert and I have spent many nights in tears, wondering why us?

I don't feel the "why us?" so much anymore... I get to read tons of stories like mine online and know I am not alone.

Gosh, what would we do without the internet?!

Not much more eventful going on, other than becoming anxious about my u/s on the 13th.

Going to take my pill.

GOOD NIGHT CYBER SPACE

June 3, 2011 Day 3 on Clomid

Today has been okay. Lots more bloating, feels kind of weird... Yoga seems to ease it a bit. I did a lot more research and studied some forums and decided I wanted to start taking baby aspirin, drinking raspberry leaf tea, and continue my prenatals. I heard good things about this combo when TTC. Robert went to the store to pick it all up. I forgot to mention that I've been working on losing weight these past few weeks... good thing I started, because this also helps with PCOS. I've lost 14 lbs so far. Low Carb diet, and lots more activity. I'm still hopeful, I think I may have become obsessed with google though.

I'm still Bd'ing (baby dancing) every other night even though I know that I couldn't have o'ed (ovulated) yet.... I am looking forward to my follow up ultrasound on the 13th to tell me if any follies are there to see if I'm ovulating. I pray that this will be a month where its successful ovulation.

You know, I was just thinking... how simple life seemed way back when. The funny things that take up rent in our heads as we grow up. Ovulation, cycles, cervical mucus. Jeez, how times have changed!

June 2, 2011 Day 2 on CLOMID

I took my first pill last night at 8:30 pm, therefore I must remember to take it each night at that time!

I'm lucky I'm a researcher... I hopped online after getting home from the doctors yesterday and researched the heck out of this drug... side effects, success stories and so on.

I knew ahead of time that it was best to take it at bedtime to sleep through most of the side effects. Today, though doesn't seem that bad. I've noticed that I am crying over every little thing--even Robert notices!!! I feel a tad bloated but no other side effect so far. Today I've joined a lot of online forums with other women who have PCOS and ladies taking Clomid. I'm learning a lot... I've even heard stories about people getting pregnant on their first round of this drug. Probably not my luck, but good to know. Robert seems like he has the biggest weight off of his shoulders today. So much less tense, and he tells me that he feels so happy that there is still hope left. Boy, do I love him so!!! Going to take my second pill tonight... I must be lucky because I heard some nasty side effect stories, and I'm not having these.

June 1, 2011 DX PCOS

HERE IT GOES, I AM OPENING MYSELF UP TO SHARE MY JOURNEY WITH THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY FOR WOMEN GOING THROUGH WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW. MAY YOU FIND ANSWERS AND KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My dear husband and I were married 10/23/2010..he is my very best friend, the love of my life, and my true soul mate.

Robert (husband) and I decided we wanted a family about two years into our relationship. At that point we started trying. We wanted children more than anything. We struggled through a few miscarriages, and tons of negative pregnancy tests. After Robert proposed, about two months into our engagement I decided to stop trying so hard, as wedding planning was stressful enough. We decided not to use contraception, but not focus so hard on charting, and scheduled baby making.

After the amazing and wonderful wedding, and even more amazing honeymoon--we moved into our first house. Remodels began almost instantly. We started trying to conceive again! Month after month it was BFN after BFN (big fat negative). I knew something wasn't right as my cycles were no where near regular. And I'd go months without af! This is when I decided to call.

After months of waiting and waiting, my husband and I finally got an appointment with a well known Fertility Specialist. During the wait I found out tons of friends and family members were expecting. I was devastated, envious and heart broken. AF finally came five days before my appointment... how nice!

The night before our appointment was so anxiety ridden it was nuts!

That morning after tons of prayers, Robert drove me to our appointment. And, OH MY GAWSH it was the longest time in the waiting room!

To my surprise, this doctor was the most compassionate doctor I have ever met in my life. He listened, answered all of our questions and gave us hope. He told me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). He told us success rates and stories. He prescribed me with the fertility drug Clomid 50mg. He wanted me to take it on Cycle days 5-9 and asked when my the first day of my LMP was, I said five days ago! He said, perfect, go home and start! He gave us confidence! I was filled with hope again, at least Robert and I now knew there was still hope, and we just might need help to conceive.