Well, I tested again this morning eleven days past ovulation (cycle day 26) and as to be expected (in my head) a BFN once again. Feeling really out of sorts this afternoon.
Yesterday, one of my really good friends and her kids (my God children) came to stay the night. It was really good but secretly emotional at the same time. I love them dearly but some how its another reminder that I do not have a child with my DH yet. My friend let me know that her little sister had just got an unexpected BFP with her internet boyfriend. I just keep finding out about more and more pregnancies. Just the way it goes, right? I felt bad because one of my first reactions was "of course she can but I can't..." Fortunately, my girl friend is so understanding and knew what I really meant. I keep hearing "it will happen for you" or "when the time is right" or "maybe if you stop trying, that is usually when it happens..." Those are pretty tough to hear over and over and over. They don't know!
I said to DH today: "Wow, it's really hot outside!" he replied with "Just like you honey, you're really hot!" I looked at him seriously and said "NO I'm not! I'm not even a woman, a woman has babies and isn't broken like me." I kind of realized right then just how much I DON'T feel feminine. I feel gross, broken, un-sexy, useless in womanhood. Some may say to me that I'm not out of it this month until AF shows, as a matter of a fact that is even what I advise other TTC women on these forums I follow. I seem to think, especially today, that I am out. DH tells me this is just the beginning and we have many months ahead and he loves me no matter what. Thank you honey, but why doesn't that make me feel any better? We women are the ones who go through the agonizing symptom spotting, the trying to dissect certain feelings and pains, peeing on sticks, prodding at our breasts praying they are sore, getting on our knees to pray that we don't bleed this month and so much more. It is so much to go through and just exhausting and so emotional. We are the ones who either get pregnant or don't. Win or fail. Do they understand this? Ultimately its up to our womb. Pressure much?!!!!
I wish I was as optimistic as my DH. The other day when he went to purchase the tests, he called me and said "Honey, I got a sign, I got a sign!!" He further explains in an excited voice: that next to the store he was at where the empty building has been for months they are putting in a Babies R Us. Surely that's meant for us, right? I kind of giggled and said to him, yeah maybe they're building that just because they know we are going to need it! He's such a great man, and supportive. I often wonder if he's suffering too because he's not showing it. I try to love on him and be supportive too as much as I can, but I can't seem to be quite as optimistic as him. How can I change that?
Here's a symptom: Crying to Dog the Bounty Hunter on TV. How's that one? Oh, and chocolate peanut butter ice cream with Dorritos? How's that one? Constant Lotiony CM? Belly button was killing me last night, how's that one?
I need to stop. Get on my knees and pray, and not be lost in thoughts of what if? When? Why me? There's got to be a little angel spirit in heaven waiting for the right time to come from God's arms into mine. Has to be.