Busy as usual.

Things are still so face paced around here. Cabinets are being finished today. I'll post a picture of them in progress. I'm absolutely in love. I'm so excited to see the final product now and have a fully functional Kitchen!


Christmas was really good. I was so upset during the day because DH had to work a full shift and left at 5:30am and didn't get home until 4pm...but I kept my mind busy with my God children and watching them open gifts and play with their new things. I was so impatient after DH left that morning that I actually went in and woke everyone up at 6am! :)

The kids got tons of stuff from Santa, and I think they had a wonderful Christmas.
It was overall an amazing Christmas---I got too many amazing things to list them all but a few are: 7 new scents from Victoria's Secret (DH). A new purse (MIL). Tons of makeup, and beauty products (DH). Tons of Coffee accessories such as mugs, and K-cup dispenser. Dutch oven (inlaws) Money from family. Jewelry, sheets, kitchen towels and kitchen accessories. Gift Cards... Oh, gosh there is so much! We are each purchasing a Kindle Fire next week! The biggest thing that I enjoyed was being with my husband when he came home and going to his parents for dinner.

I've been thinking a lot about stopping ttc. All together....for a year or two. I still need time to think about it, but I'm seriously considering it. I would love to go back to school....so I don't know.

Well, I've got to get going and get ready for my appointment to pick out our granite slab!!!! I have no idea what I am looking for but excited to be the one to pick it out and say I chose this wonderful piece of natural stone that is unique!

AF is here and Emotional?

I have no idea where this post is going to go or what I'm going to say, but I just opened my laptop, let the tears stream and I will not press backspace this time.

This has no direction, no specifics, just want to open my heart for a moment, uncensored and raw. 

I fucking hate infertility.

What the hell have I done so wrong? Whom did I harm so bad in my life to battle such a thing to make me feel so worthless, un-womanlike and so very heartbroken?

I wake up each morning and sew closed my heart. Try to keep tears away. Walk around the world with a painted on smile. Dust my house, clean my floor, pack my husbands lunch, sing to him, dance with him, let him hold me, masked. Purely masked. I've got to hold it together....How much more can I take?

How selfish am I to hurt inside when I see God's gift in another tummy? How can I be grateful HE has given life to another soul? Another family gained a child. It is not us. It is not me. But why is this YOUR plan, God? Why is this what you see fit for my husband and I? Why can't we be blessed too? Why that girl who walks the streets at night? Why that woman who doesn't take care of her own and gets them taken away and now expecting another? Why that drug addict who will abort it anyways? Why that girl who's never capable of love anyways and will scream at her child all it's life? I know you hear me, God. I know you hear my cries, my prayers, my husband's prayers. I know you see every word I'm typing right now. Why? Why have you shown me so much pain in 27 years and yet you feel I need more? How can I turn my life to you and be only FOR YOU when you allow such grief? You didn't want me to have a mother, or a father. You didn't want me to have my first two. You saw me sleeping in a car many a nights. You saw men hit me. You saw men rape me.You saw my mother hate me and tell me she wished I never existed. You saw me cry every night, wanting to die even when I was 6. You brought Robert into my life and I thought the world was fine again...and found what love was...and You saw fit that we suffer more. WHY?

I'm supposed to be thinking about Jesus--it's Christmas time. He died for my sins. He loves me. You love me. What are you doing in my life? I can't see clear anymore. I'm filled to the max with hurt. I try to live in YOUR way. I give this to you...please stop the pain.

I think I'm fine and then emotions sneak out. I feel better and think I'm happier then something like today brings back the realization that it could never be us. 

Lonely is my soul. Alone is my heart. Full is my mind and sad are my thoughts. 

Spilling out of my heart is not anger, it is not jealousy...I don't know what it is but it burns...it aches. 

Quickly,

Wanted to stop by. I may not be the best blogger over the next few weeks, I've got my Godchildren here for two weeks, this kitchen remodel, and tons of errands! DH working overtime/going in on his days off. Life is so fast paced right now...but I'm trying to soak it all in and enjoy every moment of it.
I believe a milestone has been reached, and things are settling down and life is seeming to go smoother. People in my life are getting a long better.  It just seems to feel much better right now although this is coupled with chaos and stress, it just means I'm busy. But I'm happy. Tis' the season y'all. (Okie in me coming out!)
Still no AF.
Still sick as a dog with a cold.
TOTALLY READY FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

I guess I should...

Write an update!
Still a ton of work going on here. The sound of saws, hammers and drilling I think will be forever in my ear. I've had a pretty constant headache for the past week!!!! I'm just blessed to see the progress and know what it is going to be in the end. I think I am going to hire a house keeper to come in and do a one time over deep clean of this house. There is a thick layer of dust from this remodel all over every single thing in my house. I've tried to wipe down daily, but it is there again the next morning when they are back drilling and sawing away.
DH has been working a ton, including 3 or more hours of overtime a day and even going in for 8 hour overtime shifts on some days off. It is hard to get used to but we are just so thankful that he has full time work again.
As for me, I'm in excruciating pain. I will be heading in for an xray next week and beginning Physical Therapy for my back twice a week or more for a very long time. I'm hoping surgery isn't necessary but we shall see. Doesn't make for much BD'ing this week. BOOO! My bbs still hurt on and off during the day, mostly at night. One strange thing is my face is slowly clearing up (I've had acne really bad for the past two years) which is very odd to me, but we shall see. For now, I'm just so grateful that I'm not covered in huge zits like normal!!!!
We are very ready for Christmas, I'm saddened that DH has to leave for work at 5:30 that morning, but very happy that our godchildren will be here! I can't wait to watch their faces as they run into our living room and open gifts that morning!!!

I will try to update again very soon! Shout out to those I follow that got their BFP's this past week!!!!! Congrats to you!

Tell Me About Yourself award...

Thank you to Lady Bug at my journey to conception for passing this on to me you're such a great support! I'm finally getting around to posting this!!!

• Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
• List 7 things that people may not know about you.
• Pass the award on to 15 other bloggers

This is not going to be easy--racking my brain about interesting facts about myself!!! Ummm....

1. I am very much terrified of city buses. I can not get past my fear of riding one, therefore I never put myself in a situation where I'd have to ride one. I'd rather walk ten miles than ride one. I don't understand my fear but it is absolutely scary to me!
2. There is only one position I can fall asleep in, and It's been that way since I was a small child!
3. I don't think most of you know that I am hard-of-hearing, fluent in ASL and grew up going to a deaf school for 9 years and most of my friends growing up were deaf. I can speak just fine (11 years of speech therapy) and I don't wear hearing aids anymore--just miss half of movies if there are no captions, and I can't understand accents very well but I can read lips very well!!!
4. I auditioned for Beverly Hills 90210 when I was 10 years old, along with a few of my friends. A friend got the part--and he did so well! It was for a season, and the role was a deaf child. I will never forget the experience--it was so very memorable!!!! 
5. My eldest brother served 3 tours overseas with the Army. I wish he would have never joined because he is not the same person at all, quite judgmental and very angry and I'm sure has severe PTSD who does not believe in God anymore. I miss who he was almost every day and constantly have dreams of when we were younger. I pray daily that his heart will open again and I have always had a strong desire to be close to him.
6. I still talk to my Grandpa who is in heaven very often. He passed away 12 years ago, while we were visiting him for the summer. I do believe if he was still alive--he'd be the only person on my mother's side of the family, besides my auntie whom I recently got into contact with, who would truly understand me--know the things I've gone through, and the choices I've made. I miss going in the garden with him and how he'd sing "Here comes Miss America" Every time I would walk into the room.
7. My husband says the second he fell in love with me was at an In-N-Out Burgers when we were dating, he was watching me eat my fries and loved the way I chewed them (odd, I know!) He said he went home and couldn't get me out of his head and literally had his heart racing. That night he wrote me a long letter (Which I still have) promising to protect me forever, love me always and explaining that he can't help what he's feeling and how hard he's falling for me. I remember reading it and crying--I knew then that life would be okay. We were both recovering from separations/divorces and had told each other from the beginning we didn't want anything serious, and fought our feelings for a few months before giving in and just allowing ourselves to fall madly in love, we couldn't stop it!!

I'm going to pass this on to some amazing bloggers!

• http://ttcandcookin.blogspot.com/
• http://littlebeandreams.blogspot.com/
• http://chasingourstork.blogspot.com/
• http://beforetheclockstrikestwelve.blogspot.com/
• http://crossingmyfingersbutnotmylegs.blogspot.com/
• http://erratictheblog.blogspot.com
• http://fertiltyfrustration.blogspot.com/
• http://theroadfromdreamtoreality.blogspot.com/
• http://gratefulme-ally.blogspot.com/
• http://browning2222-itistime.blogspot.com/
• http://ourlivesasweknowittobe.blogspot.com/
• http://rhiannonsnyder.blogspot.com/
• http://beankitty.blogspot.com/
• http://jensttcjourney.blogspot.com/
• http://ttcfatty.blogspot.com/
• http://waitingnwishing.blogspot.com/
• http://mynotesonttcandlife.blogspot.com/

I know that is more than 15, but I'm so grateful to be able to follow so many journeys and that you all are comfortable enough to share your sorrows and accomplishments with me--and I hope I can support you all as much as you have supported me!

Sorry for Slacking...

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a week!
So much has been going on here, and I knew it would be crazy busy.
We have a brand new electronic garage door that was installed on Tuesday! It is perfect in every way... the teeny windows are so cute! It is so funny how our excitement and joys change as we grow up! Who would have thought I could have pure joy out of a new garage door??? Pretty funny in my book!
Well, after that, I had to spend two days by myself packing up the kitchen so DH and FIL could have at it with a sledge hammer yesterday. I have absolutely no idea how we got so much stuff in one year! I literally filled up my guest room with boxes from kitchen items. Yesterday was very stressful with tearing out cabinets and one wall we are pushing back to gain more counter space. I could hear the frustrations with DH and FIL, but in the end it is much better and now we're ready for the next step. The next step is to have the plumber, electrician and framer come in and that starts Monday morning. I am not looking forward to all of the craziness and noise, but it is what it is for now. Our cabinets were also delivered yesterday! Took up half our garage! We were wondering how the heck all of that stuff is going to go in our tiny kitchen...
After a very long and stressful day yesterday, DH told me to shower and get dressed, he was taking me out on a date!!! We haven't had so much fun in a very long time! He took me to Fudruckers (my first time!) and we stuffed ourselves and got Chocolate Wasted!!! We played arcade games and then he took me to the movies to see the latest Twilight movie 'Breaking Dawn.' Bless his heart that couldn't have been too exciting for him!!! I haven't felt that young, alive, silly, and in love in years! We were cracking up and being silly--even making the entire theater laugh before the movie!

So, as you can see: I have been extremely busy and probably will be for weeks to come.

In the infertility realm of my life, bd'ing has been much more than usual, even with all of the craze going on in our lives...I sure don't object to that! I ordered some Wondfo pregnancy tests (here's a link) on amazon with some other things... and I feel so much better knowing I have 25 to "waste" this cycle! I won't feel too bad because five dollars was worth my obsessions. I decided to start testing right away every day (it's way too early, but for some reason POAS relieves some stress every day??) I'm sure you POAS addicts will understand what I mean. I'm not really symptom spotting---as we are still on a "natural" unmedicated cycle. I have noticed some pain in my bbs. Crying a lot and some occasional nausea--but that seems to be very normal for me each month so I don't think anything of it anymore. I think I felt ovulation this month--as it was on the day the chart online said it should be, and it was extreme ovary pains. So I'm hoping we were successful with Ovulation this month--no guarantee though. I'm just wondering when to expect af??? Well, I've got to get back to my crazy reality and clean up some dust left over from yesterday's demo!!

P.S. Congrats to you IF bloggers who recently got your BFP's!!!!

But not me....

I've seen so many BFP's in the infertility world in the past couple of weeks! I'm happy for those who have gone through such a tough journey and are finally seeing results to all of their hard work and anguish. Finally getting their little miracle(s). That puts hope in my heart and faith in my soul. But, it's not me...yet.

I just can't shake the lonesome feeling of still not being a part of that group. A Mother. Raising a family. Giving my loving husband the gift of a child. Raising one of God's little angels. DH said something astounding to me the other day. He mentioned that I have very strong motherly instincts and it shows almost every day. I looked at him cock-eyed! I was shocked to hear that come from his mouth, but he's right. I have those instincts and I can't put them to use. It's a daily struggle. There are so many ups & downs.

Lately I have had extreme back pain and it is really hitting me hard, my muscles are so stiff and I'm having a ton of spasms which has made it hard to get a good night's rest. I've been trying hard to keep up with life and press on. Today I missed my cousin's baby shower and I feel awful, but I know it was a wonderful shower. I've been on the couch most of the day trying to recover and get better. I see my doctor on Monday and will probably request an Xray on my back and hips again. Hoping things are not as bad as they feel.

I was able to get our tree, ornaments and decorations, and set it all up, and wrap gifts, and help put lights up on the house on Friday. Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas! When we got our tree up and plugged it in (last year a real tree was gifted to us-this year we purchased our very own, very first tree) DH looked at me, tears filled his eyes and he grabbed me and we began dancing while Natalie Cole's "No more Blue Christmas" played in the background with tears streaming down our faces. It was such an amazing moment. I felt so loved and wanted. I felt so honored to be in that moment with my soul mate. We will be okay. We are okay.

Here is a peek at our tree:

5 years old...

Happy 5th Birthday little stepson!
I love you more and more every day!
I remember when I first met you at your mommy's house when you were still a baby. It's been wonderful to watch you grow and learn. You're a beautiful little soul and a handsome little boy just like your daddy.
I'm sad that I don't see you often, but so glad for the fun times we do have! I am so happy your daddy got to talk to you today! He called me and told me and I could hear the smile in his voice. I hope you were able to give your mommy your special art project you made for her when she was in the hospital. You did so great on that! I love you so much and can't wait to take you back to the amusement park and do some more artwork with you.
Love always, Mama Amy!



Today has been a pretty good day. We had our Godchildren yesterday and today, so they spent the night. We decided to blindfold them yesterday and surprise them with a trip to the amusement park! They were told we were taking them to the wild wild west over the mountains, they fell for it!!!! We took the long route (down the street) and DH said he needed to stop to use the bathroom (we were really parking at the amusement park) and we took them out of the car and took off their blindfolds and it was so fun to see the looks on their faces!!! We all had such a good time. DH is at work today, so its just been me, the god kids, and my friend (their mother). We got online and registered her sister for her baby registry (yes, yet another baby due around the new year, sigh.) That was fun, and the kids have been rolling around the back yard, picking oranges and playing with the puppies all day! Just finished bathing them, then I will be ordering pizza for dinner and taking them home. After dinner, DH and I have a date at the mall to pick out some things for our future kitchen and some Christmas Gifts!

I'll update more soon, have a good hump day everyone! *wink, wink!*

On to grateful...

I needed to just get through yesterday, and that I did.

I spent the day on the couch and allowed myself to cry to every thought, every commercial, anything that made me tear up, I just let it flow which I usually try to hold it back and swallow. DH had to work overtime so that gave me more time alone and to get it together before he came home. He got home and said that the day must have been difficult for me so he wanted to pick up dinner instead of me having to cook, which I was very thankful for. I'm glad I'm able to get through these rough days better. It never gets easier but does become more bearable when I have so much love and support.

Speaking of love and support, I have something to share. I am absolutely amazed that God has placed certain people in my life who walk the same journey I am on right now through infertility. I can not believe the astounding support, encouragement and love that I feel. I got a gift in the mail from a very special blogger, one who I've followed since I joined the blogging world, and one that has followed me and supported me through each cycle I've had since beginning to blog. I opened my door and saw this box, ran to the kitchen to get the scissors....cut it open and pulled out a card, a stuffed monkey and a piece of paper. I opened the card, and tears immediately started flowing down my face. This monkey was blessed using the Fertility Blessing. This is something she had received from her sister right before her last cycle (now pregnant with triplets!) Her sister insists that it worked. She, her sister and mother said the fertility prayer while holding it, so it has extra power! I immediately felt so special. I stood there hugging the monkey and sobbing...I would have never imagined that a perfect stranger and her family would care so deeply about my dreams, about my emotions, and want to give me so much hope. I never thought I'd be so cared for from other women on this journey. I do not have a mother to walk through this with...but let me tell you Crystal, you are that mother, that sister, that friend I need. I've never met you, but I feel like I've known you forever. I feel that you, Jess, and I will stay in contact for a very long time. I was also told to rub the monkey on my belly when I'm done BD'ing...which I giggled and told my husband that a monkey will be joining us in bed!!! Did I mention the monkey giggles himself? I am grateful for amazing souls out there. I truly feel blessed.
Here is a picture of my special little guy:

The Fertility Blessing reads:
You know my deep desire for a child
A little one to love and to hold, to care for,
to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive
and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in
Your holy image.
Guide me in all my choices so that this
conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth
are in line with Your will.
Heavenly Father and Holy Mother,
hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.

Amen

Thanksgiving was also amazing. A ton of fun, and a great time to be around DH's family. I even lost 1.8 pounds, not gained! We did Black Friday shopping which was an adventure and a half! Got everything done by 1:20 am and that includes two stores!

I'm feeling blessed and grateful today. I thank each and every one of you who stop by and read my open book of emotions, I thank those of you who leave supportive comments and those of you who think about me and Robert as we go through this difficult but very educational journey in our lives. Its humbling knowing so many women go through this, and I hope to support as many of you out there as I can. 

9 years old...

If this post doesn't make sense, please refer to July 29th's post.

My firstborn turns 9 today. I can't believe its been that long.
Happy 9th Birthday little one. I love you and always will. I hope today, wherever you are, that you feel so special and all of your wishes come true. I hope to see you again some day. I can't tell you how much I love you and miss you every single day. You have grown into a beautiful, very smart and loving little girl.
You are an amazing little soul and I'll never stop loving you. Ever.
Happy Birthday baby girl.

Not going to hold back the tears today. I'm allowed to cry, right?

Liebster Blog Award!!!

Just in time for the holiday season, there is some serious blog love circulating the blogosphere!


Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved." It is also used to refer to as someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement. So, this award is to share with those blogs that you love to love... you know... the ones that you can't wait to see a new post from because some how, some way, the blogger seems to always put words to things in a way that touch deeply to the core of us. 


Yesterday, I was honored to have received this from Lady Bug of  myjourneytoconception! Thank you so much, I feel humbled and grateful!


Just as much as I wanted to keep the award for myself, there are certain rules that are to be followed:

• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
• Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

I've been following and reading a ton of blogs and I am very grateful for each and every one that I read, for your experiences, emotions, and words help me understand that I am not alone and help me learn new things. I can only pick five so here you are:

• Browning2222 from itistime you've truly become an inspiration and IF sister that I'll forever be grateful for. Your gift in the mail will forever be so special to me and you will be an amazing mother to your triplets!
• Jess at mynotesonttcandlife I'm always so grateful for your encouraging words and spark of hope you always give me when I'm feeling my lowest. Someday we will both get our BFP!
• Kelli (Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers) at beforetheclockstrikestwelve You're such a strong and inspirational woman who is an amazing supporter to me! 
• Liz at ttcandcookin who has given me a ton of hope, and Its been fun following her journey now that she is blessed with what we are all aiming for: a child, a family!
• Baby Hopes at chasingourstork it is always inspirational to come home and read your blog...I'm so happy for you and your future as a mother!

Congratulations, Thank you so much for everything!

Wicked Witch of the West.

How fitting that is right now.
Here's why:
Witch= your period. AF is the witch!
Witch=exactly what I am today. A mean old witch!
Oh, and I live on the WEST coast, so today I'm the witch of the west...WICKED witch of the west!
One more reason: I FEEL LIKE MASSIVE HOUSE FELL ON TOP OF ME!
If only I could have those sparkly ruby red heels.... so so pretty...

Today started off on a bad AWFUL note by being awakened from horrific nightmares (very common for me.)
DH had the day off so I let him sleep in while I got up and had some coffee and showered. Then I just threw the biggest hissy fit you've ever seen over not being able to find my blow dryer. How ridiculous is that?! Seriously, I need to calm down! IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN! I swear my hormones are so jacked up. Such extreme moods. I'm pretty good at yelling at poor DH. IF I ONLY HAD A HEART! I started bawling a bit after that. Just bawling my eyes out realizing more holidays without children. My two, or even just one of our own. THAT came from no where. IF I ONLY HAD COURAGE! Finally DH and I calmed down, we went to lunch--which was very nice, then went shopping for makings for MIL's cake (her birthday is tomorrow) and the makings for some cute treats I am going to bring to Thanksgiving dinner at the in law's house. It was nice to finish the day on a good note... looks like we did make it to Emerald City after all.

Things are getting nuts. Looks like the kitchen will take longer than we thought and will require more to be done than we thought. At least no DEMOLITION has happened yet and I'm still able to cook and clean...It's going to be rough when we can't but so worth that struggle in the end.

Can't get Dr. K's office to call me back, looking like I won't get Clomid for the correct cycle days this month, so maybe have to start it next cycle. At least I have the Provera for when I notice AF is late. I just need to pull through these next few months. December and January, oh and February will be tough for me emotionally and there will be a lot of stressful things happening and quite a few babies being born...all around us. I must keep praying and having faith. We must keep praying together as husband and wife that God will get us through this and for us to better understand his plan in our marriage and lives.

Side note: Go Country 105 just played a song dedicated to DH. Just so happened he was listening at that moment from the bedroom. Ginny said "next is 'Come a Little Closer' dedicated to Robert Schoales from his wife Amy... they just settled an argument." Was a good way to let him know I was sorry. Gawsh I love technology these days <3

Late adventures. TMI ALERT!

TMI. TMI. TMI

If you're not into TMI, don't read.

After wonderful, beautiful and very fun BD'ing---DH and I turned up the lights, kissed and looked down.
WHOA! Who was killed on the bed?!!!!! Murder scene alert.

Ok, so it wasn't THAT bad!

I'm screaming "Wash Cloth, COLD WATER, NOOOWWW!"
DH laughs, runs and gets a wash cloth soaked in cold water and returns. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. WHEW!

(TIP: Ice cold water gets rid of blood in any fabric if applied immediately!)

YUUUPP, AF made her appearance, during BD--obviously. OH my GOSH. How embarrassing? I was like   I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. My hunny laughed and said no worries, it's natural. Glad she came on her own. After my second Provera pill she's here... wow. I'm glad she's here though. Get it over and done with.

I realized I only have ONE tampon in the cupboard. CRAP! DH suggests we go on the hunt for a store still open selling tampons. Even though he has to be up in six hours he WILL NOT allow me to go out by myself, especially since it's raining. I regretfully agree.

We turned it into a fun adventure. Stopped and fulfilled a quesadilla craving and found a 24 hour Walmart about fifteen minutes away. WHEW! (He even got me a chocolate bar, shame on me!)

I'm so grateful to have my husband. What a wonderful man he is! I'm just glad af is here, and ready to move on. Calling Dr. K tomorrow and requesting Clomid prescription. Time to actually ovulate and have regular periods. This is just silly and stupid.

Hopefully this post made you laugh, I figured some of you have similar experiences! Why not laugh about the silly, crazy things that happen to us women?!!!

Well, cramps--HELLO. Hot Pack, you're amazing, and chocolate bar---you were like heaven to me!

Good Night Friends.

Ramblings from within...

FYI this post will be one of my normal all over the place, probably makes no sense, just thoughts across the board type of posts!

First of all, still no AF--and a ton of BFN's. Which in reality probably means that I did NOT ovulate. I started Provera last night in hopes to get my cycle to come! Lovely. I'm tempted to call Dr. K and ask for Clomid--just so I can ovulate and have a normal cycle. What do you think???

I've had THE WORST cramps. So sharp, both sides, lasts forever, don't want to move, what the hell was that type of cramps. I told DH maybe I have some cysts from not ovulating. Yuck.

I've been thinking...uh oh, me thinking????
I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like to be pregnant along side some of my friends. That would be so special and fun. I just don't think God thinks it's time. It makes me angry, frustrated, and sad. I can't change God's plan though. He has a reason, and I have to accept that.
Jeremiah 29:11 reads: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This verse has been stuck in my head for a couple of days. My Lord will not harm me. That is a tough one to swallow when I feel so down and distraught. When I feel like its a joke being played on me to see all of the pregnancies, have to attend baby showers, watch my friends and family go through 9 months, and give birth, and see the newborns...all the while getting BFN after BFN, I have to accept that it is not my time. But, I must not lose faith. I need to realize this is not my way.


My life has reason. My daily path will take me to a place the Lord sees fit. It is not up to me. Acceptance is the key, no matter how hard it may be.

On a side note: I wound up getting 3 hours worth of a nap yesterday morning around 9am and was able to fall asleep before midnight last night, so we'll see how tonight goes!

Yesterday was my dear stepson's birthday party. DH of course was working, so he was unable to attend. I wound up not going with the advice from MIL and FIL. I'm still excited to see pictures and know how his party at the park went!

With the major Holidays coming up so fast and so many babies being born I need to distract myself A LOT! I'm still working on losing weight, and have maintained my weight loss from last month plus a few more pounds, which is nice. I'm pretty much one size smaller, and DH has lost almost fifteen pounds himself and feels a lot better. I'm hoping to renew my gym membership soon and I'll be able to do more physical workouts there! I'm doing a lot of yoga now that DH isn't home during the day. It's so relaxing, peaceful and strengthening. I'm looking forward losing more weight and some day shopping in the normal section of the store! I'm going to try to keep motivated in that and stay strong that way. Well, darn it if I can't have a baby right now I might as well work on having a smoking hot body right?!


Ok, back to house chores and then crafting while my puppies sleep at my feet!
P.S. Don't know if anyone has noticed, but I added "Reactions" to my blog a few weeks ago, you'll see them below...

Seriously?

Here it is, before 6am, sun is going to come up soon, just made DH breakfast, sent him with a coffee and his packed lunch off to work. I'm sitting on the couch watching the news. About to do more Yoga...Going to make myself some gingerbread latte coffee....
Sounds great right?

Did I mention, I haven't been to sleep yet?

NOPE.

I even laid in bed with DH in hopes I'd drift off to dreamland.
NOTHING.

I'm starting to worry, this is getting bad. I even had pain killers last night due to a constant muscle spasm in my back (common for me.) Didn't make me fall asleep at all, although I've very sleepy...it's just getting to sleep that I have a problem with.

I miss sleeping like a normal person. Normal, whatever that is.

Looking up.

Things are starting to look up again. After side jobs for a year after being laid off and on unemployment, my dear dear husband is finally working again for good! He starts Thursday! He's back into his favorite profession. Working with animals! He'll be working at an upscale, lavish location... and has tons of room to grow in the company! They loved him! He applied yesterday, interviewed today and out of 25 candidates, and 25 voters, he got 25 out of 25 votes! Every one loved him and his experience! The company says they look forward to working with him and learning from HIM! How neat is that?

Just so happens a local school called me today to ask if I'd like to tour the campus to pursue the new career I'm looking into. I'm excited to tour soon, but not sure if I should work first and slowly ease back into school? I'm excited for the future though!

On a sad note though, this means DH can't attend his son's 5th birthday party that his ex is hosting, because he will work weekends. He feels just awful, and I understand. I hope his ex isn't too upset about this, but I'm sure she'll understand. I'm at a loss if I should go or not now... I don't know what to do.

On the baby making front, we're not sure really what is going on with my body, but I sure hope things get figured out soon. For now we are just enjoying each other and falling in love even more. Thinking about picking up medicated and monitored cycles again around the new year, but we'll see how things are by then. I know we'll know the time is right when it is here. I'm pretty sure af is on her way. I feel nausea, cramping and very emotional. It should be CD30 today so we'll see.

Looking forward to the future!

Survived.

I'm home. I went, I conquered. I survived the emotional beating. Was really good to see all the cousins and aunts. My MIL is an angel. Sat by me, kept me busy, involved me. Introduced me to my nephew...Bless her heart. She knew it was going to be extremely hard for me, and supported me the entire time. She even offered to be my "out" because she had to leave before all the gifts were open. I took it!

Yes, it was hard, yes I had a fake smile on the whole time...but I'm proud I got through it. I will say one thing, I've never seen a more perfect pregnant body in my life! WOW...Caused a pretty bad tension headache though. So here I am on the couch, DH is spoiling me rotten, got a lavender hot pad around my neck, lavender hot pack slippers on my feet, he got me a pumpkin coffee and just smiled and told me he was proud of me. Such a good man.

On a fun side it was pretty funny that I won the baby question game. Out of all the moms, and moms to be, I knew the most about babies...hahaha. Got a cute gift: Hand soap and a mini hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works and a Starbucks giftcard! Well, a few more events to get through in the next few months... I think it will only get easier. I am just happy I'm not the hermit crab I was a few months ago.

I'm of course sad, and teary-eyed...but, this too shall pass.

That is about all for now...time to drown myself in pinterest and day dream.

Breathe! Just Breathe!

DEEEEP BREATHS....

So, while chatting with MIL at her house tonight discussing crafts and the sewing machine she's passing down to me, she brought up tomorrow. 'Tomorrow? What is tomorrow?" I asked.

Oh, your cousin's baby shower. UM? You told me it was the 20th!! (and although the invite is on the side of my fridge, I don't look at it I guess). "So hun, are you going?" "I was trying to decide, I thought I had a week to prep myself and make a gift for even if I don't go!!!" CRAP.

So I spun myself in circles (not literally, just mentally lol!) and decided last minute, I'd go. I need to stop distancing myself from family...just because of my emotions. So beware, I may barf, vomit, scream, and sob in my blog tomorrow night, who knows?

Well, I guess hubby and I aren't going to participate in the AUTISM SPEAKS walk-a-thon in Anaheim.... oh well, next time.

OK. I'mma go... Sh**...what am I going to bring? Well, I've been feeling crafty lately, so why don't I make something. I grab the keys and run to Walmart....the second I got there I realized why I never shop there anymore. Crap, crap and more crap...nothing I want or need. I literally run to the car, and drive a few blocks to Target. Target never does me wrong.

Run home, shut myself in my office, blast James Blunt on my ipod and I go to work. About ten minutes into me crafting, my DH sneaks in the room, quietly hands me a cup of Starbuck's Decaf Peppermint Mocha coffee. Bless his soul!!!!!

Well, MIL told me that cousin's baby theme is Chocolate Brown and Orange. The wee one's nickname is Little Bear. Wee one's father (DH's cousin) is one of the triplet cousins, and he was fraternal, the other two are identical, and he is a giant!!! He was called 'Bear' growing up, so they are passing that on to wee one.

So, below is my gift I put together, Tell me what you guys think!!! I'm so nervous no one will like it...I've NEVER crafted anything for a baby shower besides a diaper cake for my roommate, whom I hosted her baby shower a few years ago.

Background is month by month stickers to place on onesies during first year of baby's life I bought on Etsy a while back. Roses are made from baby wash cloths, embellished with rhinestones. Sign says "Of course I can do anything, I am a Mother." which I had in my card making drawer and just layered it with cardstock. Teddy Bear is propped on a package of Huggies wipes:




Ok, so I have to totally get up early in the morning and prepare myself all day. I want to look nice but I need to be in the right emotional state. I'm not riding with MIL, so I can leave if I need to. I think I'll be fine though. I'm pretty close to most of DH's cousins, and my favorite aunts will be there to chat with.

DEEEEP BREATHS.....

Also, next weekend is my stepson's birthday party...which of course I want to go to, it will just be hard to be around DH's exwife who is pregnant and due in January. I don't hate her, but again, around pregnancy. Also, things have been awkward, and not fun between us all... so it will be rough. That's another emotional time. Thanksgiving with DH's family with 2 pregnant cousins, and SIL's 3 month old baby. SIGH. Then the first weekend in December is the other cousin's baby shower. OH, plus the kitchen remodel is taking longer than we thought....WOW... talk about an emotional roller coaster ahead. LORD, help me. I've got to keep it together!!!!!!

BED TIME. Or so, I hope. I curse you insomnia!

Treats! Oh, yummy Treats!

I was browsing on www.pinterest.com, and found a cute, fun, cheap dessert!
S'mores Crescent Rolls!
I did my own version, added my own touch!
Takes about five mins prep time, and ten minutes to bake.
Thought I'd share, since everyone here loved them....
and when doesn't a girl love a yummy chocolate-filled treat when we're feeling Bloated and Blue?

You'll need :
1 can of crescent rolls
1cup chocolate chips
1cup mini marshmallows
8 jumbo marsh mallows
Chocolate syrup to drizzle with
Toothpicks

Bake to follow directions on crescent roll can.

lay out rolls, add some marshmallows and chocolate chips, and roll up (be sure to close sides as marshmallows will melt and spill out the sides)

Bake as directed.

While Baking, take jumbo mallows and stick em' with a fork and slightly roast/burn them with the flame from your stove, set on a plate to the side.
Take Crescents out, use a spatula to move to desired dish, pin jumbo mallows with toothpicks and drizzle with chocolate syrup.
Voila! YUUUMMMM
here are some pictures of mine I made tonight:






If any of you readers make them, let me know how you liked them!

Tales from an insomniac:

I really don't get how I can never fall asleep at night? This is nothing new in my life, ever since I can remember I never, ever fall asleep easy.
I at least can educate myself all night long. I love reading. I drown myself in words daily. Whether it be blogs, articles, scriptures online, inspirational sayings, books or whatnot. I seem to drift into another world, and I love it! I'm amazed at how much I read a day. I love to learn constantly. Is that strange???

Tonight I've got babies on the brain. Babies everywhere. Cutest baby pictures on www.pinterest.com. Family portraits for the holidays. Newborns dressed up and stuffed in peppermint filled jars. Reindeer antlers propped on their heads. Stuffed in massive stockings. Oh the joys of babies at Christmas. I'll be congratulating quite a few people who will have newborns around the holidays. I must not get too sad. I want to be filled with gratitude and joy for these friends of mine. I want so badly to be so happy for them. How do I put myself aside? My emotions, my aching soul, my heart break? There has got to be a simple answer to this. I've tried so much. So many different ways. What is the solution? Cyber world--do you know?

I'm so proud to be so in love with the most compassionate, tolerant, loving, and patient man. How, oh how does he put up with the crazy roller coaster I ride daily? Infertility has brought our marriage into dark places, and yet we still shine that lantern until it is bright again. We press on. We walk hand in hand. If God's blessing of infertility has brought me but one thing positive, I must say that it has brought me to see my soul mate in a whole new light. A light that shows determination and an indescribable love. For that, I have to say I'm thankful for. The one thing I can thank my heavenly father for on this hard road he's bestowed upon us. Everything, everything happens for a reason. And, not just any reason... HIS reason, HIS will, HIS plan.

My body is acting like I'm on clomid. A few hot flashes, sore bbs on and off, some twinges in my ovary. One day of belly button pain. A couple waves of nausea. Maybe, just maybe I ovulated on my own. If so, I'll be proud of my lady bits! Proud that they accomplished THAT this month.

Well, first attempt to go to sleep is in order. My IF sisters, you're all in my thoughts as I lay my head down tonight.

Psychic Prediction

There has been a lot of talk going around the closed groups on facebook and TTC forums that I am a member of. They say this lady named Cheri does psychic predictions and she's been spot on with most of these ladies when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I thought about it for a while and thought why not? It was all in good humor and gave me something to look forward to in the next couple of days.

Now, I don't really believe in this stuff and think it is somewhat silly, but had the extra time and a few extra bucks, so why not? Might be fun.

I made my twelve dollar payment and emailed her "My name is Amy, and this would be a TTC prediction."

Here is what I got back three days later:

Hi Amy

I am really sorry to feel what you have been up against in your life. Sounds like your plate is full and your unsure of how to clean it off....This might not mean much, but I care about you. You have so much to give people and in return you dont seem to get as much back. I am sorry to hear that.

They are showing me a BOY and they link him to OCTOBER so this is either the birth month, conceive month, or the month you find out in. I am sensing a lot of depression in your life which could be negatively affecting your ttc efforts...take a deep breath and try and do an emotional cleanse. I can walk you through it if you like.

When it comes to your son, hes about getting things right and doing it himself. You can tell he would rather watch you do it first, and then be able to do it on his own the next time. hes always good with being able to watch something being done and then mimicking what he has seen. You will find him to always enjoy social activities and always asking  you to take him out. Whether it is to a park or to a kids drop in program, hes always going to love being around other kids his age.

They show him being very protective of you. Always standing by you when he thinks that your feeling upset. Willing to tell someone to leave you alone if he thinks that your mad at them. its always really cute when he does that especially if you are just fine. Even as an adult you will find him to always remain close to home. No more than a thirty minute drive from where you live and is always wanting to come one day a week to have family dinner. Always the one to reach out to you, always offering to help you run errands, You can always count on him to be there when you need him.

When it comes to career paths, they show him working as a Police Officer. I do get the impression that his job is very intense and fast paced.

When it comes to marriage I see him closer to 29. They will have two girls of their own.

Let me know if you have any questions. 

Best Wishes,

Cheri

WOW! LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW THAT DH'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS FULL OF LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS! And for her to know of my depression was interesting. She also was right on with the part where I give and give and don't seem to get much in return... I've even been told that I was a doormat. October? Well, that is last month...so according to her, I am either pregnant right now and should find out in about ten days, or will conceive, find out or give birth in October 2012. I googled that and if my body sticks to this cycle schedule and I succesfully ovulate each month, I'd conceive around the very end of January and the baby would be due on our Wedding anniversary! Neat huh? 

Yeah, I'm not going to say she's right. It was all in good fun, and innocent humor. 

It would just freak me out if everything she said did come to fruition. 

For now I'll take the smiles, and laughter that DH and I enjoyed while reading her prediction. 

If you're interested on a prediction on love, finances, pregnancy, family, TTC or anything,

here's her website: http://www.cheri22.com/index/Cheri22.html

Insomnia again, more thoughts from my head...

This post is going to be all over the place! Prepare yourselves :)

Finally! Halloween is over! Jeepers, all those little ones dressed up so cute coming to my doorstep and being able to pass out candy to the goblins, princesses, cowboys, fairies and so many more little characters. Staring out my bay window while all of all the neighbors are putting their dressed up tiny ones on their front steps and taking bunches of pictures, the cutest little trick or treater voices. I sure spoiled em' this year. Handfuls to each kid! I enjoyed it thoroughly, but inside I have to admit that I was a little saddened. Holidays are hard, but surrounding myself with support and enjoying those around me and just "being in the moment" helps. I had a friend over and we made carne asada and pollo asada tacos on the grill and I made my special bacon-wrapped jalapeno stuffed poppers while we all three watched ghost adventures! That kept me busy, so it was fun.

DH seemed sad all night... kind of quiet. I'm pretty sure I know why. He didn't get to see his boy, or his costume, but I'm sure he'll get pictures from someone. He was sure nice to all the kiddos that came by and he complimented all of their costumes and made each of them laugh.

Tomorrow is another busy day as our electrician is showing up at 7am to install a brand new breaker box and prepare himself to wire our kitchen for new lighting in the next few weeks. We also might go pick out our backsplash in another town where my SIL found hers. I also have a lot of bloodwork to be done tomorrow... just annual stuff for my primary doc. I have a vitamin D deficiency, so we are checking up on that, blood sugars, and just a bunch of stuff. Long day ahead!

I've contacted a couple of my friends who are professional personal trainers and I'm considering getting one to help me on my weight loss journey as I need a special plan tailored just to me considering some of my medical conditions. I hope to reach my goal---someday. I've always struggled with weight, and I'm tired of feeling so down on myself and not healthy. It is very hard for me to lose weight, but I'm ready for any and every sacrifice and any pain it comes with. TOTALLY ready. DH is losing weight too, so far a few pounds, so it will be great to support each other.

This month is going to get crazy. I just can't believe it is already November! My gorgeous little stepson will be turning 5!!! Thanksgiving!!! Kitchen Remodel!!! Looking into schools!!! Black Friday Shopping!!! Baby showers, several birthdays, a few friends are due, and a few family gatherings!!! I have been getting nightly headaches around the same time every night for about two weeks now. I sure hope they don't continue with all of the chaos ahead!

My bbs have been sore, and getting sharp and achy pains in them. TONS of wetness down there, and lots of sharp ovary pains. I'm thinking---maybe, just maybe I O'ed on my own this cycle??? Not so sure, but maybe I did and maybe I can actually expect a scheduled AF this time!

How's that for ALL OVER THE PLACE?!

Off to try to catch a few zzz's before the sun rises.

Kitchen Renovation Has Begun!

This is going to be about a five week process...

I remember when we moved in the day after our honeymoon...it was constant chaos for about four straight months. Going without a toilet for a few nights, no shower for a few weeks. No furniture for a month. Not being able to go inside our house for four days to let the stain on the hardwood dry....and now the Kitchen! I am so happy it is getting done, it is the last big remodel in this house (next DH and I will be working on updating the garage (partial "man cave!) and landscaping a brand new back yard. A few more small touches will also be happening soon such as new door knobs to go with our new doors, new rain gutters, new exterior paint, a new garage door, and adding some shutters on the windows.

Today we ripped up the flooring in the kitchen and OH MY GOODNESS it was disgusting. The previous tenant lived here for about twenty years, and let's just say he may have never cleaned. Water damage, mold and just grossness! It is scary to think we could have been living in mold for a year now. I'm so happy we are getting rid of it before a future pregnancy (GOD WILLING.) Unfortunately we discovered most of the floor panels will need to be replaced. (We are on a raised foundation) Also, all drywall and ceiling will need to be replaced, so that is more time and noise! We ordered the cabinetry and granite counter tops yesterday and on Tuesday while the electrician is here putting in a new breaker box, we are going to go pick out the tile flooring and back splash. I'm soooo ready to have more counter space, a clean and fully functional kitchen and peace! Around the second week in December this should be complete! DH and I love the vintage country cottage look, so we are going with a traditional kitchen with a few modern touches, such as the granite counters instead of butcher block and white cabinetry. It will be stressful but at the same time will keep my mind busy. I know DH has a ton of small projects to do before the big guys come in, so he will stay busy as well. Let the chaos begin!

On another note, I got two baby shower invites for next month. I don't think I will be attending :( I'm getting better, just not there yet. Not quite strong enough emotionally. I will definitely send gifts and a special note. I wish the world was a bit more educated on infertility and it wasn't such a taboo subject in society. I wish that fertiles understood the despair of infertility and empathized. It would make it so much easier to have support...

PICTURES:

The picture above is one I took of our Kitchen several months ago. GROSS!
This one below is what I hope it will look like!

Sorry it is blurry, I couldn't find a better picture online. This is the picture we took to our designer (our kitchen layout is pretty much exactly this (maybe a bit smaller) But this is an idea of what it might look like soon! (lighter granite, and an over the range microwave, and a little bit different on the color theme...)

I need to vent.

Seriously, I'm so upset right now.

How is it that someone who has gone through fertility issues in the past can be so heartless after they get what they "wanted for so long" ???!!!! Um, excuse me, don't you remember crying when you got your BFN's??? Don't you remember the depression? Don't you remember the heartbreak? Don't you remember the feeling of despair, worthlessness, and feeling alone? Now you have what you were wanting and you treat the world like crap? Now You think you can do what you want and say what you feel like saying and get away with it because of "hormones?" You have no regard for anyone else, entire families who now struggle and suffer because of your moods? I don't get it, I just don't. How do people change so easily? How do people become so self centered after going through something where they had to suffer and lean on others for support? Or maybe it was a show for so many years? Infertility is such a heart wrenching struggle and it is so easily forgotten? Someone can forget THAT EASY?!!! I'm completely dumbfounded right now. I can't even wrap my mind around the right words. It is heartbreaking to me personally and I will never understand how someone can be this way--maybe because my heart is built differently. Maybe because I have too much love in me. Maybe because I understand the suffering and feel it daily.

I would never, could never, and will never be boastful, rude, inconsiderate, mean, controlling, self-centered, or anything of the sort if I ever become blessed with what we desire so badly. A family, a gift, a blessing, a child.

That is all.

Home from an amazing anniversary trip!

Besides food poisoning, strep throat, cracking half of my back tooth out and almost breaking my toe, I have to say this trip was one of the most amazing and special trips! Being sick was a downer, but I sure didn't let it get in the way of a wonderful weekend, a wonderful get a way, and a trip I'll never forget!!!!

I had so many peaceful, relaxing moments on this trip and it was totally stress free. Exactly what we needed. DH and I had some amazing talks and special moments. I love my husband through and through. Late last night we took a walk around the resort and wound up at this 1940's pool. (after the olive and wine festival we were the only people still checked in at the resort. We had it all to ourselves!!) So gorgeous. I felt like I was back in time, I could see so many stars in the sky, I could hear the owls, cricket chirps...and the rustles of the leaves in the trees. We laid down in the chaise lounges, wished upon the stars, and I then remembered God's grace. I remembered how blessed I am to be with my soul mate. I remembered that life is precious and God has given me a purpose. God's will, not mine. I was humbled and as we lay there on the chaise lounges next to the sparkling pool, holding each other's hands, with dimmed lights surrounding us, staring up at the stars we both let out a big sigh and DH said to me "we're going to have a family someday...and we're going to show our baby God's beautiful creations...I love you." I, then felt like everything would be okay. I'll never forget that moment.

I realize at times I forget and I get very sad, but that is just the course of nature. We see what we want so desperately surrounding us every day, every moment, and quickly forget that some day we may have that ourselves and not to give up hope.

I'm going to post a few pictures from our trip I hope you all enjoy them!


Arrived at our Resort!!!


Where we had our anniversary dinner!


The pond outside of our room...


Olive tree pathway where stage coaches used to drive to the resort!


1100 year old oak tree where the stage coaches used to drop off prisoners and chain them to await the judge to come tell them their fate. Many were hung on this tree :(


Old farm equipment in the gorgeous lavender fields...


How neat!


The first buildings at this resort. Ernest Hemingway was known to come sober up in those rooms. Also, Albert Einstein has stayed in those rooms!



We can never be serious!!!!!



A view of the Lavender Fields



Ready for our dinner! I'm so in love!




I'm so grateful we had the opportunity to escape for a few days and enjoy life, each other and fall even more madly in love. 
I'm grateful to be married to my best friend and the love of my life.

Awe, MAN!

Why do I have to be getting sick right now?! My throat hurts so very bad! There are white bumps around my tonsils and on the back of my throat. It is sticky, and burning. DH has been taking care of me all day. Tons of medicines, throat spray, hot tea and honey. I just want to be better by the time we leave for our mini vacay.   I am super excited about it. We are staying in this fabulous resort in the mountains, going to take an olive and wine tour during the festival, we have reservations at a wonderful steak house which is part of the resort, and then we will spend time on the apple farms. I need af to be done, and I need this throat thing to go away! Fingers crossed that I feel much better in three little days.
Back to bed I go.

Medicated and AF

OK, so my last post I was pretty upset. Today is a brand new day!

Friday was a day with my doctor. When I say a day, I mean it felt like I was there all day!! (3 hours total) I'm so happy though to have a doctor who will sit with me and talk to me and figure out with me what the best thing for me is. We all agreed, after much discussion, that I need to get back on all of my medications for my muscle and nerve disorders. I need to not be stubborn and not be in pain all of the time. The pain could be causing so much stress that my body wouldn't even hold a pregnancy. So, it was decided. NO fertility drugs until my body relaxes a bit and gets used to the medication. My doctor says my body is not doing well right now, and I'm allowing myself to suffer when I shouldn't. I'm sad that my ttc is being put on hold for a bit longer than I had planned, but if you think about it, I would be so sick if I were to get pregnant right now. I am glad though, that I am able to plan this the right way. I know that our future child will be so loved and we will be so very thankful, grateful and humbled when the time does come. It is the best thing for me, and I hate it. I just wish to God that I could be normal, but that is just too easy, right? I am grateful to get help though.

I took my medication for the first time last night and I swear it is working already. I had no pain last night (although I was up until 6am, but that was due to several emergencies in the family.) I woke up happy and in very little pain, and I feel so much better than I normally do. Here's to hoping my body starts listening and starts feeling better!

Great news! AF showed up today! All by herself, I welcome this cycle with open arms! Strange ain't it? Who gets excited about af? It's so funny the things that we do when going through IF. I don't have cramps, and it is not heavy--yet. I'm just so happy that I didn't take the Provera and my body did something RIGHT all on its own. Let's get this af to go away quick though because my wedding anniversary is in 7 days---and we'll be up in the mountains then! I'm so grateful to have the husband that I do. I've never met another man so generous, loving, caring, patient and funny! I don't know how anyone on this planet has let him go... I'm one lucky wife. I love my best friend with every part of me, with each passing day, my love for him only grows and grows. I'd like to share pictures of us, if you guys don't mind!

Below are two pictures; one from our dating years, and then one from our wedding. I can't believe in 7 little days, it will be our 1 year anniversary! I look forward to the rest of my life with him, ttc for as long as we can, and just enjoying being the wife of such an extraordinary man!

Something in the water

Does someone want to tell me where to find this water that every other woman on the planet is drinking? This magic, get me pregnant, almost immediately after drinking the water, water. Seriously, how can I know over thirty pregnant women now? HOW does this happen, and more so---why? Why does it need to be thrown in my face every single day? Why is it that most women out there can just "decide" one day to start trying and the next cycle they are announcing their BFP's? I am so annoyed with this. It makes me feel ugly, useless, worthless and awful. VERY AWFUL. I know I want to wait a couple of months, but in the mean time, why do I have to be swimming in other's bfp's? I hate the fact that I'm broken. Totally broken.

I can't wait to get to my doctor's office tomorrow, tell her I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Get back on all of my medicines for my medical conditions and not be in pain, lose more weight, and vent to her just how sad and frustrated I am. I'm totally making her do something about this ridiculous insomnia. I am ready to not be in pain at least. Lose some more weight, a lot more weight. At least that will keep me busy. Maybe make me feel good in SOME way.

As for those girls that shouldn't be pregnant right now (in my opinion) (not married or even in a serious relationship, no money, no job, immature, no stability, already have kids and don't take good care of them) You should really stop complaining all over the internet about how tired you are, how sick you are, or how fat you are or how you can't wait to get "it" out. You have no idea how bad some women desire to have a family with their husbands. Women who are soooo ready and yet struggling to conceive. Consider what you say before you say it! Stop complaining and focus on becoming a dedicated parent, and be grateful that you are experiencing that gift that some of us long for day after day... month after month.. year after year.

There! How's that for a vent tonight?!

Sunday afternoon musings...

It's been an absolutely perfect weekend.

We had the pleasure of babysitting my friend's one year old daughter. Yesterday when she was dropped off, we took her to our local amusement park and got my stepson and took him as well which was nice because we go too long without seeing him. It was so much fun! We laughed, my lil' boy rode all the kiddie rides with his daddy and I pushed around my "niece" in her stroller whilst chatting with my dear MIL. We had wonderful talks about the future, love, marriage and how happy she is that her son has found the right mate and how much he has changed and just how happy he is now. I felt very special hearing that from her. After several hours, the kids were pooped and begging for naps! DH and I took our little niece to a near by mall and sat down at a restaurant and had a fun dinner. A balloon animal maker came by and made her the cutest puppy dog! That was so much fun! After dinner we brought her home, I bathed her and we read books and played until bed time. As I was laying down next to her, my heart swelled with joy. I realized just how blessed I am to even be around children. I have faith that soon enough we will have our own. As this precious little angel was falling asleep, she placed her little palm on my face and took her other hand and held mine. I thought it was a neat little way for a baby to get comfort enough to fall asleep. I truly felt like a mother yesterday. I was surprised myself, that I did not get upset once. I just enjoyed every moment of it.

Below is a picture of our precious boy and my "niece" on the train at the local amusement park!

As for me, I've made a call in to my PCP to get checked out. I called Dr. K's office asking about Metformin and if anyone would consider me being on this for my PCOS, and they responded saying I would need to call my primary doctor to ask that. Okay??? I didn't understand that, but I did it anyways. I am also blessed with an amazing primary doctor. She personally called me herself, saying she missed me, asked how I was doing and that she sees that we have been trying to have a baby. She was comforting, informative and just plain ole' nice! She wants me to go in tomorrow morning for fasting blood work and then on Friday to see her and talk about the next steps in my personal health, Metformin and possibly assisting my weight loss. I'm excited to start this new journey. We all decided to not get on Clomid until the new year and try non-fertility medicine approaches until then! Whilst doing that, DH is looking for work offshore, and I have a job opportunity opening next month, or I will be enrolling into school. Not sure yet what I will choose, but excited to make the decision!

I did not pick up my Provera. I decided to go ahead and not have af....as our wedding anniversary is in two weeks and we are escaping to a resort in the mountains, and I DO NOT WANT to be on af, or in pain and moody! I think I made the best decision.

I want to make a special shout out to my fellow blogger browning2222! She got her bfp and was blessed with triplets! How amazing, and inspiring! That right there gives me hope! I'm thrilled for her and excited to follow her journey as well.

The call back...

Well, Dr. K's office just called.

I,for sure, did NOT ovulate this month, so looks like I will need medication to bring on AF. Pretty disappointing, but to be expected. Blood sugars looked just fine, which is good news I guess.

I'm just so pissed right now that I actually have to be on medications to get my body to ovulate. What the heck is wrong with me?!!! I don't want to get back on Clomid, it obviously was not working for me, but maybe I will get back on it next month instead of waiting until the new year which was our plan. I sure do not want to go through this no ovulating so often or depending on Provera, which I hear causes awful cramping. YUCK. I hate my body so much.

This break we took from fertility treatments was so good on my sanity and emotional health and my marriage, but for it to end with such problems and a slap in the face that if I DON'T take the Clomid, I WON'T ovulate...is just cruel.

Just totally angry and sad right now. I just feel like this will never happen for us. I'm losing hope.